Democratic Sentinel, Volume 16, Number 36, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 23 September 1892 — HUMOR OF THE WEEK. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR OF THE WEEK.

STORIES TOLD BY RUNNY MEM OF THE PRESS. Many Odd, Curtens. and Laughable Phases of Human Nature Graphically Portrayed by Kmlnent Word Artists ml Our Own GuyScissored Smiles. “Dobs your new dres9 fit you well, Clara?" “Oh, splendidly! I ' can hardly move or breath in it. ” —New York, Press. She—l can sympathize with you. I was married once myself. He—But you weren’t married to a woman.— Brooklyn Life. Mbs. Enfik— Marriage is only a lottery anyhow. Mr. Enpik—Hardly. A man does get a prize Sometimes in a lottery.—Detroit Free Press, Bunker —How much did your visit to Cincinnati cost you?’ Hill—l visited a friend, and I can’t tell yet «dtil he comes on to visit me.—Puck. “Are you in favor of .monopoly?” asked the Stranger. “Yes, ’’ replied the young man, “where your best girl is concerned I am-” New York Herald. V-V “Does a man have to be a Christian *o get through college nowadays?" “Not at ail, but he must be a muscle man, without doubt. "—Boston Courier. Cobwiggeb —“Brown doesn’t talk any more about the big flshhe brings home.” Merritt —“His wife haa bought a pair of kitchen scales.”— New York Sun. Lovell —This marrying a rich wife is of no use'. Markham—Why not? Lovell—Because even after she’s fast asleep you can’t find her pocket.New York Herald. Mas. Minks— Why didn’t you get a divorce, dear? Mrs. Winkins (sadly) —I found I wouldn’t be able to gqt alimony enough to support another husband.—New York Weekly. Ethel —l’m as hungry as a big, big lion. Mamma —Well, what do you think a hungry big, big lion would like to eat? Ethel (joyfully)— Fruit-cake.—Harper’s Young People. Mrs. Jason —Jehiel, what is an agnostic? Mr. Jason —W’y, it is a feller that don’t believe in neither doctors nor preachers as long as he la in good health.—lndianapolis Journal.

Mr. Troomer— Where on earth is my new silk hat? I’ve looked everywhere' for it. His Bride (sweetly)— You said you wanted it ironed, dear, so I sent it out to the laundry.— Truth. “TnE great problem about matrimony,” said the Benedict of recent date, “is finding a satisfactory place to live. Marriage is not only a lottery—it is a house-and-lottery.— Washington Star. “Don’t you think Mr. Twiddles is very absent-minded?” said a young woman. “No,” replied Miss Pepperton. “He displays admirable caution. What ljttle he has he always brings with him.”—Washington Star. He had struck a match on his bootheel, and his wife remarked: “You are as spry as a cat, aren’t yon?” “Do you - think so?” he returned in a pleased tone. “Yes. You light bn your feet, you know.”—Washington Star. " ~ ’ She— “ Well, if I can’t live on my income, and you can’t live on yours, where would be the advantage in our marrying?" He (thcAightf nfly) “Well, by putting our incomes together one of us would be able to live,. at an rate."—Life. Gertie— Papa, will our new mamma go mad after awhtle? Father— What a question! Why do you ask such a thing? Gertie —Well, I heard her tell the cook yesterday that she got badly bitten when she married you.—Kate Field’s Washington.. Judge (to prisoner)—You are charged with having seriously injured your wife by idclosing her in a folding bed. What have you to say for yourself? Prisoner —Your Honor, I wished to see if it was possible to shut her up.—Detroit Free Press. Wool —The alien contract-labor law is getting to be a dead letter. Yan Pelt—How so? Wool—Why, look at the wealthy widows who' have imported husbands this season. Van Pelt—That’s all right; they don’t come over here to work. —Brooklyn Life. Mother —I see the iceman haa brought a great lump this time. Did you tell him I said that if he didn’t stop giving short weight I’d have him arrested? Little Dick—No’m; I told him you said he was the handsomest iceman that ever came here.— Good News. Mrs. Friendly— “ What did your husband say to you tor make you feel so bad?” Mrs. Newlywfed—“l told him that he hadn’t been to church since we were married, and he—boohoo —said, ‘No wonder —a—a —burnt child dreads the fire’ —boo-hoo.”— Texas Siftings. Woman is a noble word; it is much better than “lady.” Walter Scott knew better than to write, “Oh, lady, in our hours of ease, ” etc., and yon couldn’t hire Byron to revise a celebrated passage to read, “Gentleman’s love is of gentleman’s life a thing apart; ’tislady’s whole existence.” — Boston Transcript. Houlihan (i,n the menagerie)— Saint PathHek presarve us! An* what may thot thing be? The Keeper—An iguana; Central America. Houlihan (relieved)— Me frind, Oi knocked off whisky for seein’ better lookin’ things than him, an’ now Oi thought thot perhaps Oi’d hov to be givin’ up wather! —Puck.