Democratic Sentinel, Volume 16, Number 35, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 16 September 1892 — HUMOR OF THE WEEK. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR OF THE WEEK.

STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Maay Odd, Curious, ud Lang liable Phases of Homan Nature Graphically Portrayed by Eminent Word Artists of Our Own Day. Sprinkles of Spice. He— “ ‘Show Shame her own image.’ Why does he make Shame feminine?" She—“ Because men haven’t any.”— Life. Customer Haven’t you made those pants too short? Tailor—Der pants vas all right; but your legs vaa too long.—Texas Siftings. There will be more stumpage to the acre in the treeless prairie States during the campaign than there ever was in the pine forests.—Binghamton Republican. Naturalists say that a single swallow will devour 60,000 flies in one day. A single swallow can down a good many good resolutions, too.— St. Paul Globe. Society Reporter —Mrs. Skihigh complains the picture we printed dpes not look a bit like her. Editor— That’s lucky. We can use it for some one else then. —Tid-Bits.

Yabsly— Do they set pretty appetizing meals at your house, Mudge? Mudge Appetizing? 6, yc6? A fellow gets up hungrier than when he sat down.—lndianapolis Journal. Southsea Etiquette. He—“Do you know that woman over there?” She—“ Well, yes and—er—no. If I meet her full face, I how; if I meet her profile I don’t see her.”—Judy. As the mistress of the most populous empire in the world, Queen Victoria even excels the ordinary woman in the number of subjects she can talk about. —Philadelphia Times. “I hate Smithwick,” says Brownstone, “and I am glad his boy is musical.” “Why?” asked his friend. “Because I am going to give him an accordion. ” —Boston Transcript. Hungry Higgins —Please, mister, can you gimme 10 cents to help me buy a “Drink?” “Naw, a locomotive. I see in the papers that a good locomotive earns SIOO a day.”— Indianapolis Journal. Weary Watkins —l’ve just flggered out what I’d orter been. Hungry Higgins—Well, wot? Weary Watkins—l think I’d make a first-class rich invalid.—lndianapolis Journal. Teasing Friend—What makes that new baby at your house cry so much, Tommy? Tommy (indignantly) —It don’t cry so very much—and, anyway, if all your teeth was out, and your hair off and your legs so weak that you couldn’t even stand on them I guess you’d feel like crying yourself! —Life. George Billing —Do you know, the physicians declare that kissing is apt to produce a disease called—l’ve forgotten the name—but Maude Cooing—The—never mind, George; I’ve been vaccinated.—Puck.

Wife —My goodness! How did you lose your eye? Was it one of those horrid hoys with an air gun? There is a law against Husband—No; this was all right and legal. It was a woman with an umbrella.—Puck. A few years ago there was a man in Devonshire who had six or seven very corpulent daughters. When asked how many children he had his answer was generally something of this kind: “I have three boys and about thirteen hundred w.eight of girls.”—Tid-bits. Bessie Norris (coquettishJy)—“l’m not crowding you, am I? Have, you plenty of room?” Ed Stillman (stupidly) —“Oh, yes—thanks; I’m just as comfortable as though you were not there. ” —Exchange. Little Bobby— “Mamma, the boys is goin’ to have a circus. May I act?” Mamma —“Oh, I suppose so. What are you to do?” Little Bobby—“Nothin’ much. They is going to have a pyramid of sixteen boys an’ all I has to do is to stand on top. ” —Good News. “I see by that sign, ” said the man in the chair to the barber, “that you hone razors for private use.” “Yes, sir. Have you some that you want honed?” “No; but I was Pondering why you didn’t hone the razors you use- on your customers.”—Brooklyn Life. Mrs. Boodler —“It is a burning shame that my husband was defeated when he ran for alderman. Half the people in the city would have hailed his election with joy.” Mrs. Nabob —“Console yourself, my dear neighbor, with the thought that the other half of the people are rejoicing that he was defeated.”—Texas Siftings. Mrs. A. (to lady friend) —“How do you do, Amy? I have not seen you for an age. How are you, dear?” Amy—“ Very well, thanks.” Mrs. A. —“And how is your husband?” Amy —“Well —er —did you not hear that we were divorced two months ago?” Mrs. A.—“Oh, then he is all right, too.” And now they don’t speak when they pass by.—Exchange. Rev. Dr. Primrose —I’m glad to hear that your husband has given up ■oeion stealing. It is some comfort jf me to feel that perhaps my poor words have had something to do with his reform. Mrs. Johnson Dat wasn’t de reason, sah. Yo’ see ob late de poo’ man wuz gettin’ kotched ebery time.—New York Sun. The spectators stand in a group round the wife of the tamer, asking questions. Said one: “Is it true, madam, that a lion costs as much as 5,000 francs?” That depends; there are lions and lions. ” “I mean your lions; Brutus, for instance, how much is he worth?” “Oh, I would not part with Brutus for 10,000 francs; he devoured my first husband.” —II Popolo Romano.