Democratic Sentinel, Volume 16, Number 34, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 9 September 1892 — OCR BUDGET OF FUN. [ARTICLE]

OCR BUDGET OF FUN.

HUMOROUS SAYINGS AND DOINGS HERE AND THERE. Joke* and JokeleU that Are Snppoeed to Have Been Recently Born—Sayings and Dolnga that Are Odd, Carious and Laughable. Short and Sharp. My father’s an Odd Fellow,” boasted a little boy. “My father’s a Free Mason,” replied the other, “an’ that’* higher, for the hod fellows wait on the masons. ” —lnsurance Echo. “Why did you leave your country boardihg-house?” asked' Smithkins. “I couldn’t stand the air,” returned Biddleman. “Couldn’t stand the air?” “Yes; the air from the landlady’s daughter’s piano.”—Baltimore News. Merrit—That’s a pretty hard doctor’s bill I had to pay. De Garry— How was that? Merrit—You see, it was for injuries received by being thrown from a horse I was riding by the doctor’s advice. —New York Evening Sun. Bunker—l thought your son, after graduating from college, was going right into business, but I hear now he is to take a post-graduate course. Hill—Yes, we thought it necessary. Bunker What is he going to study? “He’s going to learn how to spell.” “I beg your pardon,” said Miss Conventional, as the fireman came to the fifth story to rescue her, “I cannot accept your assistance without an introduction.” “Come off your perch," responded the gallant member of the B. F. D., as he lifted her down from the window sill, “I’m no dude.”— Brooklyn Eagle. Boston girl (to Uncle James): “Do you like living on a farm?” Uncle James: “Yes, I like it very much.” Boston girl: “I suppose you like it well enough in the grand summer time, but to go out in the cold and snow to gather winter apples and harvest winder wheat I imagine might bo anything but pleasant.”—New Moon.

They were a party of Chicagoans at Parker’s. One asked the waiter: “What is q-u-a-h-o-g chowder? (spelling the word). And when all had learned that the baby quahogs are Little Neck clams, one of the Chicagoans smiling, said, “Well, it sounds home-like,” and another jocosely remarked: “I thought quahog must be some form of pork. ” —Boston Transcript. Mrs. Isaacs—“ How you got your clothes so full of cotton?” Mr. Isaacs (brushing himself) —“I vos showing a gustomer dose all vool goots. ” —Life. A Rapid Growth.—She—Do you notice how rapidly the city is growing? He—Yes, indeed; I owe twice as many people as I did a year ago.— Brooklyn Life. The law allowing three days’ grace on a note doesn’t apply to musicians, They must take up the notes at sight as they come due, or the whole will go to protest—Siftings. Mr. Snoozle —lt appears that in railroad accidents the first and last cars are always the ones injured. Mrs. S.—Why not leave them off the train?—Harper’s, Weekly.

New Boarder (just arriving)— What is that curious rattling noise? I hope there are no snakes about here! Landlord’s Son—That’s the boarders’ teeth you hear —their mornin’s chill’s cornin’ on.—Puck. Hojack —Some people have their wishes fulfilled very promptly. Tomdik—Are you prepared to specify? Hojack—Well, I know a man in Kansas who put up a sign reading, “This House for Sail,” and the very next day a cyclone carried it into the next county.—Harper’s Bazar. “Do you suppose,” asked the Sun-day-school teacher, “that the prodigal son greeted his father loudly and joyfully?” “I reckon not,” said the bright boy. “His voice must ’a’ be’n kinder husky.”—Smith, Gray & Co.’s Monthly. Conundrum submitted for the Post’s gold eagle prize: What make* a coach dog spotted? The spots.— Boston Post. Young Wife (at midnight)—“Wake up! Wake up!” Husband—“ What is it, dear? robbers?” Young Wife—- “ Mercy no! You asked me at supper what ailed the cake. It just happened to come to me this minute. I forgot to put any sugar in it.”— Truth. “My hired man has a fine laborsaving device.” “What is it?” “Chills. They save him from laboring three days out of five.”—Harper’s Bazar. “I hate to give these clothes away,” remarked Jagson, as he opened the mildewed chest, “but it is a case of must.”—Elmira Gazette.

Sunday-school Teacher —What lesson are we to learn from the story of Jonah and the whale? Pupil—To stay on dry land.—Judge. The latest story is really that of the man who is telling his wife how it happens he hasn’t come home till 2 o’clock in the morning. A tourist on a very hot day was watching a man who, with head uncovered, was laboriously turning a windlass which most clumsily hoisted from a shaft a bucket filled with rock. Said the tourist: “My friend, why don’t you cover up your head? This hot sun will affect your brain.” “Brain, is it?” replied the man. “If I had any brains d’ye think I’d be here pulling up this blooming buck-et?”—Tid-Bits.