Democratic Sentinel, Volume 16, Number 34, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 9 September 1892 — THE JOKER'S BUDGET [ARTICLE]

THE JOKER'S BUDGET

JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY MEN OP THE PRESS. Why He Couldn’t Take It Out—Why She Licked Him—Not as Exquisite as She Thought—Astronomical, &e., &c. WHY HE COULDN’T TAKE IT OUT. Principal Smith is one of the wisest and kindest of teachers, but now and then his watchfulness makes him oversuspicious. In the geography class the other day his eye fell upon a boy who seemed to be eating something. “Jack,” said the master, sternly, “tako that piece of candy out of your mouth at once.” To his astonishment a giggle went round the room, and the next instant poor Jack answered: “I can’t, sir; it’s a gumboil.”—[Detroit Free Press. WHY SHE LIKED HIM. He had brought her a chair, then a fan, then an ice, and as he went after her shawl her friend remarked: “You seem to think a great deal of Mr. Simmons.” “Y'es,” was the reply, “I like him for his fetching ways.—[Washington Star. NOT AS EXQUISITE AS SHE THOUGHT. Miss Thin—Don’t you think my new dress is just exquisite? They all say so. Fannie—Oh, lovely! I think that dressmaker of yours could make a clothes pole look quite graceful.—[Chicago Evening Journal. ABTKONOMICAL. She read of the planets, she read of the stars, Though the subject was none to clear; “Oh, what do you think of this visit of Mars?” She said to her husband dear. Then over her liege lord’s merry face There scudded a look of pain, And he gasped, us ho choked on* his buttered roll, “Is your mother coming again?” [ —New York Recorder. A CONSIDER ATE WOMAN. “I’m very glad to have been of any comfort to your poor husband, my good woman. But what made you send for me instead of your own minister?” “Well, sir, it’s typhus my poor husband’s got and we dinna think it is just richt for our ain dear minister to run the risk.”

ENCOURAGEMENT. Mr. Dolly—Did any ono over attemp to steal a kiss from you? Miss Polly—Oh, yes, the attempt has been made, but in vain. Mr. Dolly (sighing)—Then it would be foolish for me to make the attempt. Miss Polly—l suppose so. I don’t know. One cannot always be on the nlert, you know.—[Now York Press. A SIDE ISSUE. Her tennis costume is so gay, And tits so very neatly, The question whether she can play Must be ignored completely. —[Washington Star. UNCLE JEWRY HUSK’S CONCEIT. The President—Whjit’s the matter With Jerry this morning ? I started to congratulate him on the excellent quality of weather he’s furnishing, but ho turned away and walked off with his head in the air. i think he’s getting sort of conceited and vuin. ’Lije—Y'es, he is a little weather vain! —[Boston News. WANTED A WIFE. Miss Antique—You ought to get married, Mr. Oldchapp. Mr. Oldchapp (earnestly)—l have wished many times lately that I hud u wife. Miss Antique (delighted)—Have you, really ? Mr. Oldehapp—Yes. If I had a wife, she’d probably have a sowing machine, and the sewing machine would have an oil-can, and I could take it and oil my office chair. It squeaks horribly.—[ New York WeeKly, CRUELTY. Mr. De Fashion—l see an English woman has been fined for having her two dogs pull the baby carriage. Mrs. De Fashion—She ought to be, the cruel thing. Why didn’t she make the baby pull the dogs ?—[New York Weekly.

CAUSED THE FIRE. - Wool—lt is said the firefly strikes the spark by rubbing its wings together. Van Pelt—l presume that’s right; I have often read of fires being caused by a defective flew. PABT OF THE BIRD. The Young Housewife (to the butcher) —Have you a nice spring chicken this morning? “Yes, ma’am.” “Well, please cut out the croquettes and send them to my address.”—[Chicago News-Record. HE THOUGHT IT WAS LEAP TEAS. She—l love all that is grand, majestic and beautiful. He—Thank you very much, Miss Wilkins, but—er—really, you embarrass me. —[Boston Globe. WHERE SHE WOULD BE SAFE. * Ben has been promoted to i ‘pants.” He has thoroughly imbued his little sister with the idea of their grandeur. So, when her mother told her not to go to the meadow with Ben lest the cow should hurt her, she exclaimed: “Why, ‘course she can’t hurt me. I’ll just get behind Bennie’s pants.” THOSE GENERAL INVITATIONS. A sportsman who, on the strength of a general invitation, had gone to pass a week with a friend in the country, soon found by a gentle hint he would have done better to have waited for a special one. “I saw some beautiful scenery,” was the viator’s first remark, “as I came today by the upper road.” “You will see still finer,” was the reply, “as you go back to-morrow by the lower one.” HE KNEW HIS BUSINESS. Gushing Girl—Now, don’t you put my name in your paper; dlbn’t you dare. Experienced reporter—Very well. How did you say you spell your name?—[lnterOcean. MATCHED HER DRESS. Lady—You said you had two cats. Little Girl—Yes’m, a white one an’ a black one. Lady—You have only brought me the black one. Little Girl—Yes. They is both sheddin’ their coats awful, an’ I brought the black one ’cause your dress is black.— [Good News.

THE MATTER OF BAIT. The pastor was calling at the house of Brother Billings, and the small boy was entertaining him until the parents came down. "Do you ever go fishin’?” inquired the youngster, who had inherited his father’s fondness for the sport. “I am a fisher of men,” he responded. “Do you carry your bait in a jug, like papa does,” was the next question, and just at that moment Brother Billings appeared with a seraphic smile of innocence lighting up his genial countenance. — [Detroit Free Press. NO GOOD. “Been abroad, I understand? Visited Switzerland? How did you like it?” Piggleton (from Illinois) —Tell you the truth, I was disappointed in Switzerland. Too hilly, you know; nor a bit like Chicago.—[Boston Transcript. ONE WAY OUT OF IT. Travers Can yon have this hat charged to me? llutter—All our business is done on a cash basis, sir. Travers—Then lend me $5. —[Clothier and Furnisher. A FINE FINISH. Tramp—l see you are advertising for a pants finisher. ; Tailor— Yes, but you hardly look as if you had had any experience. Tramp—Experience 1 If this pair I’ve got on aiu’t finished, I’d like to see a pair what is.—[Brooklyn Life.

IT HAPPENED TO COME TO HER. Young Wife [at midnight) —Wake up! Wake up! Husband—What is it, dear? Robbers? Young Wife—Mercy, no! You asked mo at supper what ailed that cake. It just happened to come to me this minute. I forgot to put any sugar in it.—[Truth. INEXPERIENCED. Gladys—l don’t believe Mr. Hpooncj knows anything about driving horses. Grace—Why, how did he act? Gladys—Why, he drove with both hands all the whole blessed way.—[Chicago Inter-Ocean. A SAD PLIGHT. A tear stood in her bright blue eye, Her quivering lip told sorrow’s tale, Hers mingled with the zephyr’s sigh, Her bosom heaved, her check grew pale. Harsh fate had done for hei its worst, And at her anguish seemed to scoff; I found the gentle maid had hurst Her left suspender button off. —[New York Press. CONSOLING. He— “Y'ou do not love me; then farewell forever. I shall commit suicide tonight.” She—“ Don’t, George. Even though papa will not let me marry you, perhaps lie will lend you a little money.” A REVELATION. Young Mr. Yccrwed had been gazing for along time at the antics of his littlo three-year-old baby. The child was suns hair, sans teeth, lias a red face and a frightful yell, but she was his child, and lie loved her. At length the little ono looked up, and laughed; and the overjoyod Yeerwcd, turning to his wife, ejaculated, “By Jove! Maud, it actually seems as though baby was almost human.” —[Hurper’s Bazar. HARD LUCK. Many days he hesitated, Then his bitter fate he cursed; While for some good chance ho waited Another man, less agitated, Proposed and was accepted first. —[New York Herald.

VERY WRONG. “You did wrong to cull Dawson a flannel mouth duffer.” “Well, isn’t he?” “Of course he isn’t. Flannel shrinks, and Dawson’s mouth never does." —[Judge. REASSURANCE. Timid Lady going up.yi yVashington Monument elevator) —G’onuvtctbr, what if the rope breaks that holds us? Conductor—-Oh, there arc a number more attached as safety ropes. Timid Lady—But if they all break where shall we go? Conductor—(sh, well, mum, that all depends on what kind of life you have been living before. t QUESTION AND ANSWER. Mildred—What are you looking at mo for? Jack—l know what I'd like to look at you for. Mildred—What? Jack—Forever.—Boston Courier.