Democratic Sentinel, Volume 16, Number 26, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 15 July 1892 — HUMOR OF THE WEEK. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR OF THE WEEK.

STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Many Odd, Curious, and LaUfhablo Phases of Human Nature Graphically Portrayed by Eminent Word Artists ol Our Otau Oay. Scissored Smiles. The wise man keeps shady nowadays.—Philadelphia Record. The man with no music in his soul should hire a hand-organ.—Picayune. Remains to Be Seen—At ’ the morgue.—Boston Commercial Bulletin. Combining pleasure with business —-sugar-coating a pill.—Washington Star. Stealing away from bad company Is justifiable larceny.—Binghamton Leader. “Campaign badge, sir?” “No, do not badger me.”—Boston Commercial Bulletin. When a man has good horse sense he doesn’t bet on the races.—Binghamton Republican. A man’s days are numbered, but he clan not recover any of the back numbers.—Rochester Post. The man who wants to live in clover need only buy a lawn-mower. —Chicago Inter Ocean. The tramp may be all wool and a yard wide, but he is goods that will not wash.—Dallas News. The man who is the most awkward at saying nice things is usually the most sincere.—Atchison Globe. Tiie cabbage crop is about the only thing a farmer can raise to get a head.—Binghamton Republican. Duck is to be a favorite wear this season, both for ladies and for gentlemen who are in the swim—Lowell Courier. The English language is being ruthlessly pillaged by young people about to commit graduation.—Chicago News. One place is just about as good as another for a man without apy money. In fact he is nowhere anywhere.— Galveston News. No test of the bicycle was necessary to demonstrate the value of wheeling in military tactics.—St. Louis Post-Dispatch. It is said that a swallow can catch 6,000 flies in a day. What a baseball player the swallow would make. —Boston Commercial Bulletin. The latest contribution to astronomical science is that the moon regularly has a couple of horns before getting full.—Philadelphia Times. “Is Mary a good servant?” “In a misdirected sort of way. She dusts the cobwebs off the wine bottles and leaves ’em everywhere else.”—Life. “I staid until the curtain fell on the last act.” “I think the curtain or something must have fallen on the first act. It was so flat.”—Harper’s Bazar. On the steamer: He—“l should judge that you were a typical sailor.” She—“ Well, yes—that is, I can heave about everything except the anchor.” —Cloak Journal. THEVassar girl learns above all things to reason back from effect to cause. When her guitar string snaps she exclaims: “Plague on the cat!”— Galveston News. In Memorial Hall.—“ See here, waiter, this pie hasn’t any apples in it.” Waiter—“l know it, salr, it am made of ewapowatefl apples.”—Harvard Lampoon. , . “Yesterday I told Schlegelmayer that his club consisted of blockheads, and to-day I hear that I have been elected an honorary member!”—Fliegende Blaetter. TnE very heavy veils now being worn are a great strain on the eyesight. Quite a number of young men have been obliged to consult oculists.—New York Herald. The coalman’s season may be the winter, and the summer the iceman’s harvest, So that it’s possible the milkman finds his greatest profit in the spring.—Philadelphia Times. Mrs. Wickwire—“Bridget, where Is the lobster?” Bridget—“ Sure, ma'am, I put it on the windy to cool. It looked red hot fwin I tuk it out, ma’am.” —Indianapolis Journal.. Actor Friend (inquiring at board-ing-house)—“Has Mr. Comedy taken his departure yet?” “Yes,” snapped the landlady, “that’s all he did take; I’ve got his wardrobe.”—Tid-Bits. “Father,” said a 6-year-old boy, “where is Atoms?” “Atoms, my boy? What do you mean?” “Why, that place where everything gets blown to.”—Boston Commercial Bulletin. Her Sacrifice: He—“ Darling, if I give you such an expensive engagement ring, we can’t get married so soon.” She —“Nevermind, dear; for your sake I can wait.”—Harper’s Bazar. Mrs. Good —Young Slimby is a very exemplary gentleman. He takes his fiancee to church every Sunday. Mrs. Sharpe—Yes, Slimby’s a shrewd one. A couple of seats in the church are a deal cheaper than two chairs at the theater.—Boston Transcript. Mistress.— “Oh, Mary, see this mirror I have broken, and think of the bad luck I shall now have for seven years!” Maid “What, that little bit of a mirror? But think of me—l have just broken the big mirror in the parlor. ”-Fliegende Blaetter. “What do you mean by disturbing me at this hour of the night?” said an Austin doctor Angrily to a darky who woke him up at throe o'clock in the morning. “I jes allowed, boss, dat yer was so busy ysr .didn't hab time ter tend ter poor folks in rie day time, so I ’lowed I'd drop in after supper.” —Texas Siftings.