Democratic Sentinel, Volume 16, Number 26, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 15 July 1892 — THE JOKER’S BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKER’S BUDGET.

JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Degrees of Language—The Loss He Felt—They Must Have Been LyingBeggars—For Instance, Ac., &c. DEGREES OF LANGUAGE. Mr. Shortlc—l’ve got just twenty-five-:ents in my pocket, but I am sure of being able to settle your account early next week. Mr. Tuppercent —Look here, young nan; I can’t take any more excuses. Money talks! Mr. Shortlc—l know; but I thought you might let my quarter whisper alittle. —[Judge. THE LOSS HE FELT. Brown—Here is some tobacco, my poor nan. You must feci the loss of a smoko After dinner. Beggar—No, sir. I feel the loss of my dinner before tho smoke.—[Tid Bits. THEY MUST nAVK BEEN LYING. “It’s curious,” remarked the boatman to the Krupp foundry worker, “ that my task is no sooner begun than it’s over. ” “Lucky dog!” returned his companion; “ for my work is big gun long after it’s ore.”—[Tid Bits. BEGGARS. Jack—She is a wonderful girl. She simply beggars description. Tom—Well, description has my sympathy. She has beggared me too. FOB INSTANCE. Editor—Tho only way to succeed in the newspaper business is to give the people what they want. Friend—Have you got a |lO bill you can lot me have?—[Truth. SEVERAL FIBBEB. Snobbcr—Bah! There isn’t a single fibre of manhood about Wangley I Fitkins—You forget something. Snobbcr—l should like to know what? Fitkins—llis whiskers!—[Tid Bits. FOREIGN RELATIONS. Teacher—ls I wore cousin german to you, what relation to you would my father be?

Dick—Dutch uncle.—[Puck. A LEAF YEAR DREAM ENDED. “lam only clerk on a small salary,” ihe said, “but 1 can offer you a comfortable home if you can dispense with luxuries, Harold.” “1 am no ice cream fiend, ” he apswered coldly. “And can you forego soda water ?” “I never touch it.” “Nor candy ? ” “Mamma would never let mo acquire the candy habit,” he said, truthfully. “Sweet boy. But you love the theatre —the matinee.” “You forgot, I was raised in Boston.” “Oh, then, concerts are your only weakness. Darling, there is a symphony to-night. lam sure you would like to go.” “Yaas. If it does not keep in too late. Will you call for me, my Edct.h ?” “At a quarter to eight, precisely. You will be all ready, dearest ?" “Yaas. I never keep anyone waiting." Punctual to the hour Edith Marshmallow made her appearance and found her young lover ready for the evening. All except his gloves. These ho held in his hand. “I can put them on in the carriage,” he explained, “as wo go along.”* “Carriage!” shrieked Edith. “Did vou expect for one moment, Harold Smithlet, that I was to bring a carriage ? ” “And did you expect for one moment, Edith Marshmallow, that I was to walk ?” It was the bitter end of their romance, and each went on their—his—her—way, a wiser and a sadder man—and woman, —[Detroit Free Press. A CANDID OPINION, Civil Engineer (in search of data) —Is It not the opinion of many people in this locality that the excessive overflow of these bottom lands is due to the lock and dam system? Native (of Illinois River bottom)—l reckon! “Based on the fact that dams retard the velocity of the current and increase tho deposit of sediment in the river bottom, thus gradually elevating its bed?” “I guess that’s about hit.” “You have resided in this vicinity many years, have you not?” “Ever since I wuz a boy.” “May I ask if your theory coincides with that I have just suggested?” “Hey?” “As to the flooding of these bottom lands, I dare say you have an opinion concerning the cause of it?” “You bet I have.” “In your judgment, then, what is the cause?” “Rain.” [Takes another chew of plug tobacco and gazes away into vacancy as before.] —[Chicago Tribune. THE WORK WAS PERFORMED. Mr. Wildwest—You surely do not mean to say you’re English. Why, you don’t drop your h’s. Mr. Tewksbury-Podd—No; me valet attends to that for me.—[Truth. HE WEATnERED THE STORM. Chappie—Once I was in a terwible storm at sea. The waves wolled mountains high. Miss Pinkerly—Dear me, weren’t you afraid? Chappie—No, indeed. I was weal bwave. My sister was with me. OF THE PERIOD. "I think,” said Willie Washington, “that M ss Pepperton is a typical guhl of the perwiod, you know.” “Why?” “Because she puts a full stop to all my pwoposals of marwiage.”—[Washington Star. THE SECRET. Newly Graduated Physician—Doctor, as the field of my labors will be far removed from yours, would you mind telling me the secret of your success? Old Physician—The whole secret of a doctor’s success is to know just how long be can keep his patient from getting well without the patient becoming disgusted with his mode of treatment.—[Puck. GREAT DISAPPOINTMENT. Fiddleback—l hear, Miss Somerset that you spent several weeks in preparing your graduation essay. How was it received? Miss Somerset—Didn’t read it. after all. Fiddleback—What? Not read it! Pray, what was the trouble? Misss Somerset—My dress didn’t come in time.—[Cloak Review.

BAD ON HER FOLKS. Cora—l fear your associates are not always what they should be. Jake—Wlint do you mean? “I hear brother Fred and papa say they enjoy being with you very much.”—[New York Herald. t lIE WOULD. She (thinking of true love) —Would you marry for money ? He (remembering it was leap year)— Yes, if you have enough. WHERE TO FIND niS IDEAL. He—l’m looking for a girl who can bake a cake, a loaf of bread, or cook a meal; one who isn’t afraid to sew a button on, or soil her hands in a little housework. She—l should strongly advise you to try an intelligence office, Mr. Closeleigh. A DIFFERENCE. Do “ the birds come back to last year’s nests? ” Perhaps that is their lot. But the dollars in last summer’s vests Do not. __ , GOT WASHED. Mrs. Poastraw—You say you suffered in the recent floods ? Weary Wiggins—Yos’m. Got washed. Suffered horribly—[New York Herald. she was. • “You astonish me, madam! I never should have suspected you of being a smoker of cigarettes.” “I never touch them, doctor.” “Why,l understood you a moment ago to say you wore a victim of tho cigarctto habit.” “lam. My husband smokes them.” —[Chicago Tribune. nER SACRIFICE. Ho—Darling, if I give you such an expensive engagement ring wo can’t get married so soon. Sho—Never mind, dear. For your sake I can wait.—[Harper’s Bazar. SEVERE. She—l don’t beliovo you know tho meaning of the word “no.” Sho—l don’t—as girls use it. TRAVELLING IN AN ELEVATOR. Among others entering tho elevator at a well-known Fourteenth street dry goods establishment was a stout, determined looking Irish lady. She was carried up and down the elevator soveral trips, but evinced no disposition to get out at any particular department. The man in charge finally asked: “Madam, where do you wish to bo landed ?” “Lave me as near the Grand Central Daypo us ye can,” came the paralyzing response'. She was left.—[Texas Siftings. KNOlHin TO GO AROUND. “Charley Wicks has only one arm, has he not?” asked Maude. “Yes,” returned May; “but it's a long one.”—[Puck.