Democratic Sentinel, Volume 16, Number 23, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 24 June 1892 — THE JOKER'S BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKER'S BUDGET.

JESTS AND TARNS BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. The Dime Museum on its Travels— For Services Rendered—la the Morning—Gave Herself Away, etc., etc. THE DIME MUSEUM ON ITS TRAVELS. The Sword Swallower—Great Scott! This won’t do! There are thirteen of us sitting down to dinner! Two Living Skeletons—Thirteen nothing! There are only twelve. You’ve miscounted the two-headed girl. [Chicago Tribune. FOR SERVICES RENDERED. American Tourist—How much is mv bill? Parisian Host—One hundred francs. “How much?” “One hundred and twenty francs.” “But you said one hundred at first.” “Certainly. Twenty franca more for answering monsieur's question. One hundred and forty irancs, please.”—[lndianapolis Journal. IN THE MORNING. “I wish I was an oyster,” said Johnny, “for then I could stay in bed in the mornin’.” “Mebby,” said Fred doubtfully; “but's likely’s not they’d git ye up with a pair o’ tongs.” GAVE HERSELF AWAY. Bloobumper—l read to-day an account of how a femule forger donned man's attire, and for a long time eluded arrest, but ut last she gave herself away. Spatts—She stopped to Ibok into a millinor’s window, i suppose? Bloobumper—No; in a moment of ab-sent-mindedness she asked a woman if her hat was on straight.—[Harper’s Bazar. AN UNAPPRECIATED SINGER. *‘So you went to erne in the choir?” “Yes.” ' “What part?” “Well, I went in as first bass, but they changed it to short stop when they heard my voice. —[Washington Star. AN UNKNOWN PERSON. “There was a gentleman in here to see you, Mr. We. 1 asked i i:n for his name,” said the boy, “and he said never mind ” “Well, when he returns,” said the editor, “get rid of him. I know no one of that name.”

johnny’s REFORMATION. Mother—l ain glad little Johnny Is at last beginning to realize the necessity of cleanliness. He has beou upstairs washing h’mself for neurly an hour.” Little Uick (breathlessly)—Mamma Johnny wants you to give me a penny to buy a pipe. “A pipe?” “Tes'm. Wo jus’ broke th’ other one, an’ can’t blow any more bubbles.” —[Good News. AND HE KEPT ON WALKING THE FLOOR. “What did you name your baby?” “Well, at first she was as good as gold —never whimpered—hair all worn off the back of her head with lying on it—and we called her Serena.” “Well?” “Well, since she began crying all night with teothing we have changed her name to Tuscnrora.”—[Chicago Tribune. A SIMILAR PROCEEDING. “This business of tracing one of my lost manuscripts m ikes mo think of a dog I once owned,” said Scribbler. “In what respect?” queried Mawson. “Ho had a habit of chasing his own tail,” replied Scribbler.—[New York Herald. A SPECIAL OCCASION. Johnny—Do you say your prayers every night? Jimmy—l do whenever I’ve gotter sleep in the folding bed.—[lndianapolis Journal. HOW TO EAT ASPARAGUS. “I wish I knew,” said the boarder, looking at the bunch of asparagus on his plate and handling his knife and fork with some degree of hesitation and uncertainty, “just how asparagus ought to be eaten.” “It ought to be eaten sparingly,” grumbled the landlady, under her breath. “It cost me fifteen cents a bunch.” A WISE WOMAN. Husband—Where is the hatchet? Wife—ln the attic. “If you saw it in the attic, why didn’t you bring it down?” “I didn’t seo it.” “Then who did?” “No one that I know of.” “Then how in creation do you know it’s in the attic?” “I heard you up theie yesterdaay driving a nail.”—[New York Weekly. knitting. Museum Visitor (to aimless man) —So you cun knit with your toes, eh? But suppose you broke a leg? Armless Man—Well, I reckon it would begin to knit right away. the only way out. ' Mr. Newsome (showing visitor through his reputed ancestral halls) —And this is the s*it my great-grandfather woro when be gave up his heart’s blood during the Revolution. Miss Gotham (looking in vain for bullet holes or sabre rents)—Ah! was your great-grandfather killed while in bathing, Mr. Newsome? —[Fuck. HE WEATHERED THE STORM. Chappie —Once I was in a terrible storm at sea. The waves wolled mountain high. Miss Pinkerly—Dear me! Weren't you afraid? Chappie—No, indeed. I was weal bwave. My sister was with me.—[New York Herald. AT THE BASEBALL GAME. Now doth the downtown merchant gay Off from his office sneak, On plea of dire at home, One afternoon each week; And as he cheers the baseball game With loud ecstatic joy, He sees upon the bleaching boards His clerks and office boy! —[New York Herald. fireproof. Witberby — I hear that your house burned down last night. Was anything saved? Winks—Yes. The mortgage.

COMING TO A BUSINESS BASIS. Banker Steadds—No, sir! Emphatically no! I consider your request for permission to pay your addresses to my daughter an act of unpardonable presumption, sir. For a young physician on a starvation practice to aspire ■to the hand of an heiress of millions is, I repeat, presumptuous. Young Physician—Yes, sir. Any of the family want vaocinating? No? Then good morning.—[Chicago Tribune. AMPLE JUSTIFICATION. Guest (Oklahoma Hotel) —Wasn’t there some shooting at the other end of the table a minute ago? Waiter (replacing his smoking revolver) —Yes. Dude from the East. Wanted a napkin. Say. if yiour’re done with that knife and fork why in thunder don t you pass the next man!” —[Chicago Tribune. A QUEER EXODUS. Wife—Dear me, it's a rainy Saturday, and 111 have the children racing about the house all day and breuking things. Husband—What have you usually done on rainy Saturdays? Wife—l generally sent them in to play with the neighbors’ children, but all I knew have moved away.—[Good News. NOT SURPRISED. Neighbor (breathlessly) Oh, Mrs. Harddluck, your little son Johnny found a dynamite bomb, and took it into a stable down town and broke it with an axe, and blew up the stable and all the buildings around it. Mrs. tiarddiuck—Landsukesl I wonder what that boy will be up to next.— [Good News. lIE LOST HER INTEREST. “I have been in nineteen engagements,” boasted Colonel Battle, the old war horse. “And how many times have you been married?” asked Miss Elder, with deep interest.—[Detroit Free Press. THE BEST FOOL KILLER. Cholly—Do you object' to cigawettes. Miss Budd?” Miss Budd—Oh, not in the least. They are doing a wonderful service for mankind.—[Judge. CAREFULLY INSTRUCTED. Little Boy—Please gimme .some smashed potatoes. Mother —You should not say smashed; say mashed. ■ What made you so late to dinner? Little Boy—There was a—a mash-up on th’ railroad.—[Good News. HAMPERED BY FASHION. Conductor—Come, now, get aboard. Lady (frantically)—How can I? The car behind is on my trail.—[Cloak Review. A SENSIBLE GIRL. He (timidly)—Now that we are engaged, l presume I may—may —kisa you as much as I please, mayn’t 1? She (encouragingly)—-Yes, indeed. Make the most of your time, dear. There’s no telling how long an engagement will last nowadays, you know.— [New York Weekly. MARBkED LIFE WAS NOT HAPPY. “Why do you always employ women, as type-writers?” asked Mrs. Curtain Lecture. “So that I can have someone to dictate to,” replied the unhappy man.— [New York Press. SCALING DOWN. Little Boy—Mamma, may I go fishing? Mamma—No, my son, I’m afraid you’ll get drowned; but you may go around to the grocery and buy me a mackerel —[Good News. AN IMPROVEMENT. Husbind—How do you like your new girl? Wife—Well, she works me a little harder than the last one, but she is more respectful. —[New York Weekly. TIME’S CHANGES. Maddox —Jay Gould was once & messenger boy. Gazzem—-Is that so? Well, there’snothing slow about him now.—[Detroit Free Press. YE MODERN POET. Winks—l can toll a poet the moment I see him. Minks—How? Winks —He never looks like one. ONE TOO MANY. First Boy—Which does th’ whippin’ ia your family, y’r father er y'r mother? Second Boy —Both. First Boy—Huh! I don’t think that's fair. ALIKE. . “I know a belle who is a regular circus.” “Because she has three rings, I suppose —all engagements ring*.”