Democratic Sentinel, Volume 16, Number 22, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 17 June 1892 — Page 6

MUH'&g**"*’ tr—r ■ SJeftmofraticSeiilinfl d'" wiy&WV' i ' —«- RENSSELAER, Iff DI AKA. jj - ■ J. W. McEWEN, - Publisher

BOUGHT A BOGUS BRICK.

HOW G.W. SWYGART, OF SOUTH BEND, WAS SWINDLED. The Old | Antiquated, Moss-Covered Gold Brick Trotted Out for the Edification of a Hoosier Whose Passion for Money Exceeded His Horse Sense. Taken In for 87,000.

OUTH BEND.Ind., correspondence: George W. gwygart Mr was taken in for j|l $7,000 here on the gjW- gold brick game. Ml 1 If the swindle had | been of any other ’ character it would not have been so

bad. But that anybody should be caught on the gold brick game at this late day in the century is considered a reflection on the intelligence of the community where it occurs. Swygart is 70 years old, is worth about $300,i 00, and lives atone over on the same fashionable thoroughfare as the Studebakers, and in,, the atmosphere in which once moved the Colfaxes. Swygart came here -with his partner, Bockafelier, in 1855. They were stonemasons. Together they began to amass a fortune. Swygert was particularly far-sighted in his real-estate deals and is now the owner of farms, town ibts, business-houses, and residences. By his first wife there were four children, allof whom are brightand prosperous. None of them live with him. Their mother lives in Koekford, 111. His second wife was a domestic in his family, a young woman who secured a divorce and made SIO,OOO by the operation. Swygart makes no display in his appearance or manner of living. He, dresses and lives in the plainest manner, and

THE NEPHEW FROM THE WEST.

the way he was hoodwinked out of $7,000 shows how a man who has made money in his dealings with others can make a fool of himself in less time than it takes to tell it. Cutting His Second Teeth. Sunday three men and a woman left the eastbound Lake Shore train at this point. The men went in one direction, the woman in another. Monday morning one of the men met Swygart as he was leaving home and called him “Uncle George.” He had the Swygart pedigree down to a nicety. Swygart took the young man in and boasted of his possessions', and the two came to the unanimous conclusion that the Swygarts were smarter than most people. Then the nephew’s'turn to tell a story came, and it was the unreeling of that romance which caused the old man to cut his second set of teeth all at once. The nephew said: “lam a Swygart when it comes to making money; I have struck 1 it rich, too, Uncle George. On my way from the West to Chicago I camfe across an Indian on the tijain who owns a gold mine so valuable he will permit no one to work it but himself and his squaw. He has an Indian’s distrustful nature. I won his confidence and he showed me two gold bricks whieh he was taking to the mint in Philadelphia. He is - afraid he will be robbed, and I so mahhged to exaggerate-his fears that he sfrfpped in Chicago and finally agreed to’ sell me the bricks for $7,000. Mother told me how rich Uncle George was;so I brought the Indian oyer with me from Chicago to see if you wanted to furnish the money and go halvers with me in the profits. Luckily, I met in Chicago a friend of mine, an assayer from the Philadelphia mint on his way to the San Francisco mint, and I, paid him SIOO to eome down here and test the bricks.” An agreement was prepared in writing. Swygart was to furnish $7,000 and the profits were to be equally di-

THE DEAL.

Tided. The meeting place was to be at a certain point in the Coquillard Woods near the Clay Township line, and where the French picnics used to be held. fieap Big Injun. Monday afternoon the parties met there,. The “lone Indian,” glum and stoical, had the. tw.o bricks in a stout canvas bag. %?. Taylor, the alleged mint assay er, had a bottle of acid and a boring tool. At the request of the nephew the Indian dumped the bricks out of the bag with as little unconcern as Swygart would throw a couple of S bricks from his yard at a yellow dog. The aesayer bored into the bricks, made a test; and pronounced it the finest s«id purest gold he had ever seen in all his years of experience at the mints. The nephew showed a card from Frank Mayr, a jeweler in South Bend, on the back of which was an indorsement purporting to Be from-Mayr attesting to the genuineness of the brjpks. The nephew read this Indorsement snd Swygart cut Wanked giwn the Cash. Then the nepSw and Thcle George Bwygart came MWk tb town, and Swygart made a n«g to-.the bank for $7,000, which was indorsed by a merchant. Bwygart had no ready money at hSjd,' hut it was never *ny trouble for him to

raise money here. As the hour was late, I the banker who cashed the note asked: “What are you going to do with so much money at this hour?” The old man cocked up his ears and replied: “That’s my business.” The banker begged his pardon. Then the “nephew” and “uncle” drove back to the picnic grounds, and the game took another turn, for the “sucker” had not been effectually landed. • The “assayer" said he had concluded to buy the bricks himself, and had offered the Indian $15,000. The “Nephew” became excited, abused the “assayer” for taking advantage of his kindness, and talked about “the unprofessional conduct of a hired assayer. ” While this wrangle was going on, old Swygart’s desire was sharpened at every breath, and he stepped over to the “Indian,” paid him $7,000, and took the bricks. Then, with the consciousness of having done something smart, he called to his nephew: “Come on! I’ve got the bricks!" And the deal was over. The two men drove back to town. The old man drove to his house and sent his ! nephew to a restaurant to get a square meal, saying ho would come over and for it. When Swygart called at the restaurant for that purpose he was told that the young man had paid for his own meal and was gone. A Terrible Moment. Swygart probably felt a sensation in his gums at that moment. Walking up to Mayr’s store, he said to the jeweler: “You saw the bricks, did you? How much are they worth?” A recollection passed over the joweler’s mind. A woman had called in the morning, and asked him for one of his business cards, and he had given it. He knew Swygart was the sort of a man to be on the lookout for anything that promised money, and he asked him: “How much did they do you for’” Swygart culled on City Marshal Bose and told him all, and he and the official went to the picnic grounds, but the Indian and the assayer were gone. Swygart returned to town and sent away enough telegrams to Indiana points in the course of an hour to molt the copper wires. The woman in the caso had hired a buggy in the morning, paying for it in advance, saying she would return the rig late in the evening. She waited on the edge of the picnic grounds for the “Indian” nnd “assayer,” and drove them to Mishawaka, a station near by, and then dro.vo back, tying the horse to a tree in front of a physician’s house. Then she disappeared. What direction the “nopliow” took is not known. “He Laughs Heat,’*Etc. Swygart sticks to it that the young was his “nephew,” and that the shrewd way in which ho played him (the old man) proves it. The reason why South Bend people are embracing each other over this event arises from the following incident: Several years ago a mad came hero and met Swygurt’s partner, Bockafolier, and called him “uncle" and so on. The young man had a scheme and would let his "uncle” in for $2,000. Bockafolier did not have the ready Cash, but borrowed it from Swygart, who took a mortgage as security on two of Eockafeller’Blots. When the swindle dawned on Bockafolier nobody laughed as vehemently as old Swygart, and when the mortgages fell duo ho foreclosed on his old friend and partner, and later on when he began building on the lota Swygart used to stop people and tell them how Bockafeller had been taken in and how he (Swygart) got the lots. The same man who caught Bockh-' feller caught Swygart. Those who saw the man several years ago. identified him as the same man they saw with Swygart, but no one gave Swygart a tip. It Was George Post. This man, from all descriptions and from comparison with a photograph, is none other than George W. Post, the bunko man, whose partner, O’Brien, was brought to cover in Havre by the

ARRIVAL OF THE GOLD BRICK AND ITS ESCORT.

French police but escaped. A young man had been here getting points on Swygart’s characteristics. Tne same sort of a-game was attempted at La Forte. Swygait refuses to show the bricks, and all he has to say is that he has enough money left to live on. It is related as a singular thing that bunko men are always more numerous in Indiana during a Presidential year than at any other time. The actual value of the bricks for which Swygart gave up $7,000 good money is $4.20 apiece.

A Girl’s Room,

The girls of the household should have cheerful rooms, where they may receive their girl friends and feel a pride in playing the hostess. Says a writer in the Hew York Tribune: *

Such a room need not be of a large size, but it should be daintily and neatly furnished. There is no better way in which you can educate a girl to be neat and orderly than to give her a properly furnished room, and require her to take proper care of it. In this way she receives her first lesson in thorough housekeeping, and acquires habits of order and neatness.

The pleasure a girl takes from such a room as this, and the influence it exerts toward making her a womanly and domestic person, should in themselves be strong enough arguments to induce a mother to sacrifice some of the showy fittings of her parlor in order to pjqqyjde comfortable rooms for her girls. It should above all things be thoroughly neat, sunny and cheerful, and should be the girl’s private room, and all the belongings should be her personal property. It sfiwild be her daily duty to keep it in thorough order.

Gumming Stamps by Machine.

An apparatus for affixing stamps on envelopes is the invention of an Australian. The stamp receiver is supported by a pair of pivoted arms, while another pair of arias carry'a damping roller. By pressing a handle the stamps within the holder are forced by a plunger upon the envelope, the stamps being at tfie same moment moistened by the damping roller. Be deaf to the quarrelsome, blind to the scorner, and dumb to • those who are mischievously inquisitive.

GROWTH OF THE CIRCUS

AN INSTITUTION OF CONSIDERABLE IMPORTANCE. From Insignificance It Has Attained Immense Proportions-Millions Invested to Form an Exhibition, Amusing, Instructing and Entertaining. Advancement marks the growth of the United States in every trade and in every profession, and in this race of progress the circus has kept pace. That popular amusement of the people, says the Chicago TJmes, illustrates by its growth the development of this great country. From the one-ring a dozen performers, a score of horses, under a small, dingy canvas, it has grown into a vast commercial enterprise, which is thoroughly American in its character, in no other country can such organizations be found conducted upon such an extensive plan. They move from town to town, from State to State, giving pleasure to thousands each day. In the smaller cities circus day ranks with the Fourth of July and Christmas as a holiday. Each railway deposits its car-loads of excursionists, every road becomes a thoroughfare for the farmers’ teams. Circus day rings in the air for months before it arrives. Then when it comes what joy it brings! It.* VttHt lletail.H. Divided into various departments, each of which is governed and controlled by men of experience, army discipline is maintained in each section. A campaign and policy, the route and the features are determined upon a year in advance. No rest comes to those wfft> head the organization. Even now before this season has passed half of its existence the minis of the leaders are studying new forms of entertainment for the public. Tho chief of the foreign

service is in weekly receipt of letters from his subordinates. From all parts of the world comes the news of such attractions as are to be seen at work. - Cables from the great European centers, like London, Paris, Hamburg, Borlin, Vienna, and Borne, post those interested with news of every performer’s debut, of each fresh animal placed upon the market and of every wonder that may make its appearance. Prospectors are overlooking the territory of the coming season. This is one of tho most essential points of the business. The quiet-looking gentlemen, who, between this time and next January, will visit nearly all points of tho Union, are those whose verdict will, toa groat extent, determine what cities shall be honored with a visit. The railway must have sufficient side tracii to accommodate the cars that are requiredto transport the show. The point selected must be a central ono to which, railways or steamers can convey excursionists. Its financial affair* must'be looked into, the banks’ report as to the money market, and it must beknown if great fires have taken fflaed' or if epidemics have made top many houses of mourning. Farmers must have good crops and manufacturers run on full time to warrant such an exhibition as one of the big traveling shows to devote a day’s time to the place. With daily expenses of froju SI,OOO to $5,000 all this care is requisite. The route once having been selected, the contractors spring into their harness. Bailwuys are negotiated with to handle the specially constructed cars from point to point. The excursion agent begins his campaign by securing a reduction of rates and round-trip tickets to the show. Bill-boards are secured, licenses are negotiated for, and the exhibition grounds are often selected when covered with snow. Thus months ahead tho preliminary work progresses. By the time the show reaches its winter quarters the manager is at work upon his programme for the coming season. Artists are engaged, novelties secured, and once more the general agent prepares the groundwork of the gorgeous posters, lithographs and bills. At the winter quarters renovation has already begun. Painters, carpenters, gilders, blacksmiths, wheelwrights, all classes of artisans are at work. Animals and horses are being trained for their summer’s tour. There is no income now. All is outlay, and the money seems to melt away, so rapidly do tho expenses grow. Catos from far-off lands send the treasurer flying for for-

NOOK IN THE DRESSING-ROOM.

elgn exchange to supply the wants of the extravagant European agent. The agents congregate in masses at the offices waiting for the signal when the proprietor of the show shall order the skirmishers to advance. Tentmakers submit their models. Costumers are hard at work. Time is limited. Only a few have knowledge of this part of the business, and a newv outfit is necessary each year. Even up to the hour of opening the show the rush goes on. Six weeks in advance of the opening the first of the avant-couriers shakes the dust of the from his feet and rides into the towns that are to be visited. Listless as he has been for a few weeks, now that the time has come to take the warpath he is bright, cheerful, full of dash and that self-confidence eo marked in the circus agent. Then car follows car, carrying its tons of pictorial printing that will decorate every

vacant spot upon fence or wall with literature that will penetrate to, every household and inflame the curiosity of ail their inmates. Not a sheet of printed matter, not a movement of the men in advance can be made without a record being kept. No one is allowed to misrepresent or make promises. A system of check marks the organizations which

prevents fraud upon the part of the qgents and protects the agents as well as the management from others taking unjust advantage of them. What are termed route riders make the advance more careful, for they inspect and report upon all the work in advance. Then comes the layer-out, who sees that everything is ready for the arrival. He is a day in advance and remains with tho exhibition on show day, while his associate takes the next stand. Beads and bridges are investigated, to see if .they will sustain the

INSIDE THE GREAT TENT.

weight of the wagons and elephants. Tho point of unloading is selected. Hay, Straw and feed are weighed and placed upon the lot at daylight in the morning. Water must be secured also, each contract must be investigated, hotel rooms arranged when required, and a multitude of little things fixed so that no hitch may mar the opening of the show. No easy job, this of the layer-out. Two stewards purchase the supplies for the commissary department, alternating the stands with each other, 800 loaves of bread, several bushels of vegetables, 1,500 to 2,500 pounds of moat, and other articles in like proportion being required to feed this army of nearly a thousand employes each day. The animals also must be fed. Elephants alone consume each in one year $750 worth of food. The details of such an organization as any one of the great shows are so vast that only, a passing glance can be given

WHERE CLOWNS ARE MADE.

to them. This bird’s-eye view, as it were, may show that to be a successful showman requires intelligence, business capacity and courage. It is not so easy to run a show as it looks, and the man who imagines that it is all luck can judge from the alove that it is a business that can not trust to fortune.

A New System of Paving.

A trial is being made in Paris of a new system of wood-paving. It consists of pieces of oak about four inches long, split up similarly to the ordinary firewood and laid loosely on end in fine sand on a bed of gravel from four inches to four and a half inches in thickness. A layer of fine sand is then spread over them, and they are alternately watered and beaten several times. In about fortyeight hours the humidity has completely penetrated and caused the wood to swell, and it is claimed that the mass becomes thus absolutely compact' and homogeneous and capable of supporting the heaviest traffic.

The drummer had been in the town from morning until' night, and he had had a dreary and unsuccessful day of it. At 7in the evening he was on the platform waiting for a train due at 8. “By thunder!” he said to another traveler, “I know of but one motive that could ever bring me to such an infernal town as this is again.” The other man showed evidences of doubt, for his experience was no more agreeable. “What’s that?” he inquired. - “Loco-motive,” said the first one, explosively, “and a mighty strong one at that. ” —Detroit Tribune.

Gummey —“James Russell Lowell displayed a great deal of humor in his poems.” Gargoyle—“ Yes; but we have . a Whittier left.”

Where Bobby's Memory Failed.

Mother—What does my little boy mean by telling a lie? Bobby—l didn't mean tf> tell a lie but I couldn’t think of the truth.— Puck.

THE LION-TRAINER.

The Power Required.

That Is So.

DRIVER ANTS IN AFRICA.

Gluttonous I.title Pests Which Are the Terror of Everybody. “The most terrible of insects are the ‘driver’ ants of West Africa,” said an entomologist to a Washington Star writer. “They are so called because they drive before them while on march all other living .creatures, no animal being able to withstand them. No beast, however formidable, dares to cross their track, and they will destroy in a single night ail the pigs and fowls on a farm. The huge iguana lizards fall victims to them, as do snakes and all other reptiles. It is said that they begin their attack on the snake by biting its eyes and so blinding the prey, which, instead of running away, writhes helplessly in one spot. Natives of Africa assert that when the great python has crushed its captive in its folds it does not devour it at once, but makes a circuit of at least a mile in diameter in order to see whether an army ot driver ants is on the march in the neighborhQod. If so it glides off and abandons its prey, which will soon be eaten by the ants.

“If an army of these ants approaches a village the entire population is compelled to fly. Sometimes the people may be obliged to take to the water in order to save themselves. The insects travel in the night and on cloudy days, because they are quickly killed by the direct rays of the sun. Should the sun come out while they are making a journey they construct a continuous arch over their path *ut of earth agglutinated by a fluid excreted from their mouths. In cloudy weather an arch for the protection of the marching workers is constructed of the bodies of the larger soldier ants, whose widely extended jaws, long legs and projecting antennie intertwining, form a sort of net work. In case of an alarm the arch is instantly broken and the insects which composed it join other soldiers on the flanks of the line, who seem to be acting as scouts, running about furiously in pursuit of the enemy. The alarm over, the arch is renewed and the column proceeds as before.”

A Hotel in the Desert,

It is said that 0,000 foreigners in quest of health are spending the present winter in Cairo. Among them are a few who prefer quiet to gayety, and the air of the desert to that of the city. A while ago a hotel was built in the desert near the pyramids. Several hundred acres of the desert land were bought in 1884 by a wealthy Englishman who was a sufferer from consumption.. He believed that the desert air would be a specific. For two years he lived with his wife in a little house erected on the sand waste he had bought and regained much of the strength he had lost. Believing that the desert air would be most beneficial to invalids afflicted as he was, be erected a sanitarium on his property, but he died just before its completion. The building he put up now forms a part of the hotel, which is reached easily from Cairo, and has a good many guests, not only invalids but those who wish to spend a night in the desert and have more time for inspecting the pyramids than they enjoyed formerly, when they were compelled to hurry away after a- few hours in order to return to Cairo the same evening. —Providence Journal.

A Common Error.

Why is it that well-informed people so persistently forget the name of the man who first discovered the Pacific Ocean? In the songs of poets and the speech of emperors poor Vasco Nunez de Balboa is forgotten and his achievement ascribed to almost anybody else,' Keats, “on looking into a volume of Chapman’s Homer.” thought of the oceans and the stars, and sang: Then felt 1 like some watcher of the skies When a new planet swims into his ken. Or like stout Cortez, when with eagle eyes He gazed at the PaclUc; all his men Gazed at each other with a wild surmise, Silent upon a peak in Darien. Now comes the German Emperor, and credits Sir Francis Drake with having first seen the “great water.” For the benefit of emperors, poets, “and sich” it may be stated that the first European to see the Pacific Ocean from the American continent was Vasco Nunez de Balboa, w.ho beheld it from the eminence now known as Mount Culebra, about half way across the Isthmus of Panama. Neither Cortez nor Sir Francis Drake had any share in his achievement.—New York Tribune.

His Weak Back.

The approaches to Cliincoteague Island, the Virginia gunning and fishing resort, are so shallow that it is sometimes necessary for passengers upon the little steamers that ply across Chi.ncoteague Sound to be carried ashore on men’s backs. This service was once very satisfactorily performed by one stout fellow for a party consisting of ex-Secretary Bayard, ex-Congressman Martin, and several other Delawareans weighing considerably more than 200 pounds each. Mr. Bayard was interested to learn that he who came to the rescue was a pensioner of the civil war, hut a little astonished at the information that the man drew his pension ondthe score of a weak back.

Mrs. Astor's Whim.

Perhaps everyone has not heard of the novel feature introduced at an entertainment given recently by Mrs. Astor. The feature consisted of the turning loose of a lot of automatic toys, tiny alligators, papier-mache roosters, tin toads and other animals, which were wound up and then set going by the gentlemen of the party. Each man closely followed the progress of the animal which he had wound up and selected as his partner the young woman before which it paused.

An Old ’Squire.

Samuel Lane, of Gardiner, Me., ought to know something about rural Justice, for he has been a justice of the peace and quorum for fifty years without a day off. He received his first appointment from Governor Fairchild, and at the age of 80 he has been reappointed to deal out more justice.

Cornering Pianos.

The best music is obtained from an upright piano when it is placed across a corner of the room.

WITH THE WRONG PASS.

Troubles and Humors o t the Free Fast System, by Dr. Depew. “Few people outside of railway circles have any conception of the nuisance the demand for free passes is to railroad officials and to what an extent the privilege is abused when granted,” said the Hon. Chauncey M. Depew the other day. “The interstate commerce law aimed a blow at the free pass system, but to a great extent it has been a feeble and ineffective one. “One great abuse of the free pass system lies in the sale of those precious pieces of paper by those to whom they are issued. Say, for example, that a man wishes to go from New York to Pittsburg. He will ask for a pass to Chicago, with the privilege of stoping over in Pittsburg. If this is granted to him he can, when he gets to Pittsburg, sell hjs pass—good for the remainder of the trip to Chicago —to some ticket speculator or ‘scalper’ at a rate which enables the latter to sell it again at a handsome margin of profit; or, intending to remain permanently in Pittsburg, he will ask for a pass to that city and return, and on arriving there will sell the remaining portion of said pass, good for the return trip. Of course, these passes are not transferable, that fact being plainly stated in bold type upon both the back and face of each one, but what earthly difference does that make?

“Only yesterday an old, experienced conductor told me some amusing anecdotes in connection with this practice of selling and loaning railroad passes. On one occasion an elegantly dressed lady and gentleman, evidently a married pair, tendered him a pass made out to Mr. and Mrs. J. C. Dewhurst, but the gentleman had a large gold W. on each of his cuff buttons, and the lady had the same initial in silver on her sachel. From the look of calm assurance on their faces he knew it would be useless to raise any objection to this glaring incongruity, for he had no doubt' that they would both have made affidavit if necessary that W. stood for Dewhurst. “At another time he was handed a pass by a tall, raw-boned, down-East Yankee, accompanied by a short, fat German, who could not have been more than eight or ten years his junior at most, and who was gifted with a singularly rich Teutonic accent, which contrasted in most amusing manner with the peculiar nasal twang of the down-Easter. The pass was made out to ‘Patrick McGuinness and son.’

“ ‘Are you Patrick McGuinness?’ “ ‘Wal, neighbor, I reckon I be.’ “ ‘But you do not seem t<s be be an Irishman?’ “ ‘Ye see, the head of our family come over in the Mayflower, an’ I calkilate the Irish is pretty Well out of us by this time.’ “ ‘ls this person your son?’ asked the conductor, indicating the German. “ ‘Wal, I guess he be.’ “ ‘How is it that he has such a strong German accent?’ “ ‘Wal, ye see, neighbor, he’s been away to school in Germany ever since he was a little chap, an’ I’m jiggered of he ain't e’en a mo6t forgot bow to talk English:’ “The conductor made up his mind that it would be utterly useless to ask any more questions.”

ELECTRIC RAILROADS.

Their Remarkable Growth In Five Years. For years the horse remained in front of a car as the only means of transporting people through our cities, and it was not until the introduction" of electricity for this purpose that any marked improvements were made in this character of travel. The early experiments in electricity were interesting only from a scientific standpoint, as the source of electricity was the primary battery and it was not until the invention of the directcurrent dynamo that a means of generating electricity was devised, by which it could be distributed economically in a way that would make electric-traction practicable. Let us look briefly at what has been done in the case of electric trolley railroads. Scarcely five years have elapsed since it was shown that the trolley system could be made a practical success as a means of propelling cars, and yet to-day more than 450 roads are reported as being operated by electric power, having a total mileage of more than 3,000 miles and employing nearly 5,800 motor-cars. Thus about three-eighths of the street railroads in this country are now operated by the trolley system. The old tramrails are being replaced by better forms of construction, handsome cars measuring thirty feet in length replace the old style of horse cars, and a speed double that attainable with horses is used with perfect safety in equipping street roads with the trolley system. Many of our large cities are already so equipped, and it is estimated that $155,000,000 has already been expended. It has also been proposed that the experiment be tried to ascertain if electricity cannot be used practically to supersede steam on railroads. Many of us doubtless will see this accomplished, although probably not until electricity can be generated directly from coal, without the use of the steamboiler, in which event a train of cars so propelled, it is estimated, will nfove at least five miles for the same cost that is now required to move a train of the same weight one mile*by steam.—Engineering Magazine.

A German Schoolmaster.

After teaching school for fifty-one years Johann Jacob Haberle, of Germany, died some years ago, and his dai”y has just been published, in which the punishments he administered are all noted down. He gave 911,517 strokes with the stick, 240,100 “smites” with a birch-rod> 10,986 hits with a ruler, 136,715 hand smacks, 10,235 slaps on the face, 7,905 boxes on the ears, 115,800 blows on the head, 12,763 tasks from the Bible, catechism, the poets, and grammar—every two years he had to buy a Bible to replace the one so roughly handled by his scholars—777 times he made his pupils kneel on peas, and 5,001 scholars had to do penance with a ruler held over their heads. As to his abusive words, not a third of them were to be found ic any dictionary. *

HUMOR OF THE WEEK.

STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. - . « Many Odd, Curious, and Laughable Phases of Human Nature Graphically Portrayed by Eminent Word Artists ot Our Own bay. Has Its Advantage*. Young Housekeeper—“lt’s such a trial to have a servant who can’t understand a thing I say to her.” Old Housekeeper—“ Yes; bift think how unpleasant it would be if you could understand the things sbe says to you. ” His Fearful Load. Spiritual Adviser—“ You say you have a dreadful load on ydur conscience—my poor friend, I trust* you have not committed crime.” Sick Man—“ Not exactly, but for years I have been writing the ‘Hints on Home Decoration’ for the household department of the Sunday papers. ” —Puck. His Service to Morals. Comstock—“The French moralists have done much for the morals of-the young men and women of AmeMca.” Parkhurst—“ln heaven’s name, what?” Comstock—“Written their books in French. ” . Sarcastic Travelers. Big—“Yer ought ter be an hactor, perfesser. ” Little—“ Why, old pard?” Big—“ ’Cause you’d make a fortune in playin’ a lean an’ hungry Cassius.” Little—“Ef dat’s de case you’d get ha’s rich bein’ a leadin’ heavy man.” His Reason. Yan Arndt—l like a woman I can look up to. Smiler—ls that why you always sit in the front row at the theater?

Son (liking out the window at passing Papa, when those veterans went into battle, did the bands lead as they do in the parades? , Father (who has no soul for music) —No; but I wish they had. —Ex. Incredible. Spacer—A wonderful thing happened to me last night. Liner—What was it? Spacer—l accidentally, upset my ink-bottle, and all the ink spilled on a sheet of blotting-paper and so did no damage. Not a Neural Loss. Barber—l see your hair is falling out, sir. Mr. Fly—No, it isn't! Barber —Getting very thin on top, sir. Mr. Fly—That’s all right; my wife and I fall out. the hair doesn't!— Smith, Gray & Co.’s Monthly. What’s He Good For, Anyhow? Brobson—Oh, well, the dude is harmless and innocent, as a rule. Craik—Yes; but he’s not nearly so useful as a rule. —Smith, Gray & Co.’s Monthly. Reckless. “Did you read about the sudden death of the train boy?” “No; how did it happen?” “He was found with one of his own cigars in his mouth.”—General Manager. A Wooden Joke. , Perdita—They say the baron t a Pole. Penelope—He’s worse than thst. He’s a stick.—General Manager. Dangerous Proximity.

O’Rourke—This is them burds av prey as swoops down th’ mountains an’ carries off people, as yez read about. Mrs. O’Roqrke (in an agony of fright)—Kim away, thin, Dinnis. Suppose wan av thim should break loose.—Puck, And She Wouldn’t Stand It. Spinks “Good no’s pretty typewriter has left him. What was the matter?” Binks —“Shd caught him kissing his wife.”—Juflge. Dressed for the Occasion. First Suburban Hello, Smith! You are got up regardless. Going to a wedding? Second Suburban —No. I’m going in town to trjj to engage a cook and I want to create a good impression. —General Meager. Wasn’t the |)nly One that Did Not. Singleton—jl am suffering dreadfully; cutting my wisdom teeth, you know. Doubleup-jDon’t say! I didn’t cut mine till aft( r I was married.—General Manage: 1 No : .aughlng Matter. “Love laurhs at locksmiths,” sha said to him, mcouragingly. “Yes, daring, I know,” he replied, sadly, “but lot at No. 11 boots.”— Detroit Free)Press. Htartl In Winter. Kind lady—You must have a very hard time iq winter. . Tramp (between mouthfuls] —Yes, indeed, muns. Sometimes! I dansent ask fur a jite fur days, and I ’most starves, mum. “What dojyou fear at such times?” “I’d be axid to shovel snow, mum.” —Exchange.!