Democratic Sentinel, Volume 16, Number 16, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 6 May 1892 — THE JOKER’S BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKER’S BUDGET.

JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Cheering Him Up—Alas, Poor Bee! —Very Likely—Ye Boston Maid — The Whole Truth, Etc., Etc. CHEERING HIM VP. Friend—How are you to-day? Sick Man—Pretty bad. I’m afraid I'm going to die. Friend—Nonsense. Cheer up, old fellow. Only the good die young. ALAS, POOR BEE. How doth the Presidential bee Improve each shining day By gathering delegates galore In such a quiet way! How skillfully he lays his plans, How well improves each minute! And yet when the convention comes Ofttimes he isn’t in it! —[Chicago Times. VERT LIKELY. “Why do they have so many fine oil paintings in saloons nowadays?” “Probably because water colors would be inappropriate.”—[Truth. YE BOSTON MAID. Prof. Astral (in Boston) —I understand that your daughter is an enthusiastic student of theosophy. Mrs. Hubbs—Yes; she was last week, don’t know what she is enthusiastic about this week.—[Puck. THE WHOLE TRUTH. A rattle of poker chips sounded In the collector's ears as ho opened the door of the office, « “Is,Mr, Brinkins in!" he inquired. “No, sir,” replied the office boy, “He’s out about seven dollars.”—[Judge. SINCERE. Friend—-What did he say to you when he proposed to you? Miss Rox—lie said life without mo meant nothing. Friend—He was sincere In tliat, That's Just what his possessions amount ALL PULLING TOGETHER,

“Who is that long-haired young fellow who seems to have nothing to do ? ” inquired tho casual stranger, “That’s our poet," said the Squire. “Town chips in an' pays his board and clothes.” “ Where are his works published ? ” “Ain't never been published. He's arranged to have ’em printed arter he's dead. That’s w’y we are tryln’ to keep him alive long's we can.”—[lndianapolis Journal. A MATTER OP WAGES. “I observe, James,” said the Boston employer, “that "you say ‘eether’ and ‘necther.’ Are you not aware that such is not our pronunciation of those words ? ” “It doesn't seem to me,” replied the boy from New York, despondently, “that you ought to expect me to say ‘eyether’ and ‘nyther’ on a salary of |l6 a month. UNPROFITABLE GAME. City Sportsman—Any game here? Jerseyman—Plenty o' snipe. “Snipe ! It doesn’t pay to hunt them. Too small.” “Too small ter cook ? ” “Too small to hit.” A LUCID INTERVAL. Doctor—How is the patient this morning? Nurse—AX ell—he has been wandering a good deal in his mind. Early this morning I heard him say: “What an old woman that doctor is ! "—and I think that was about the last really rational remark he made. —[Punch. • SELFISH PARENTS. Small boy —Jfatnma, when will there be another Iyar? '"***»- Mamma—Never, ! hope. Small Boy—Huh! You and papa saw a great big war when you was young, an’ now you don’t care whether us children has any fun or not. —[Good News.

CAREFUL ABQPT HIS DIET. “That's something I never eat for dinner,” said a man in a Spring lane res* taurant." “What’s that?” asked his friend. “Breakfast,” was the absent-minded reply.—[Boston News. NOT A MATTER OF WAGES. “Say,” said the elderly .farmer-looking man. “I want a little piece put in the paper that I want a woman who can .cook, wash, iron, milk four cows, an’ manage a market wagon.” “All right,” said the advertising clerk. “Shall I state what wages will be paid?” “Wages nothin’!” shouted the far-mer-looking man. “I ,want to marry her.”— [lndianapolis Journal. THE MODERN WAY. “I like the bonnet very much. It is simply a dream of beauty. But do you think it matches my complexion?” “No, I don’t think it does. But that needn’t cause any trouble. You can easily fix your complexion to match the bonnet.”

a gentle hint. She (to idle youth)—Why don’t you engage in some work of charity? He (who has been calling quite frequently of lute) —Ah, yes, I catch the spirit of the author, and begin at home, eh? Clever, by Gawge! eminently fashionable. “You were at a high tea the other day I believe?” “Yes.” “Was it a fashionable affair?” “0, decidedly so. It was attended by the very best people. Very select.” "Indeed?” “Yes; I know they were the very best, for they had a professional reader there, and while he was reading Antony’s oration everybody talked and laughed just as if there litid been no reader there.” —[New York Press. FORCE OF ARGUMENT. She —If you don't let go my hands, sir I’ll ring for the servants. He —But if I don't let go how can you ring? She (thoughtfully)—That's so—and—and poor mamma s got a headache, so I dare not scream.—[New York Herald. the pleasantest part. He (preparing to leave) —I assure you Miss Smarte, the time has passed very pleasantly this evening. She (abstractedly)—Yes, it is pleasant to know that it is past —[Boston Trans. -ript.

Il aBOR-SAVING devices. Mamma— l wish you would go to Madam Modestte’s and tell her that dress is too tight, and I want it altered. Small Son (complainingly) — Madam Modestte’s is so far off, and I’m tired playin’ ball. Mayn’t I go to a nearer dress-maker? Mamma—Another dress-maker won’t do. Small Son (after reflection)—Well, mayn’t I go to th’ drug store around th’ corner an’ get you a bottle of Anti-Fat? —[Good News. one enough. “Dear me!” said Mrs Hobbs, just before the guests arrived. “There are sixteen peraons and only fifteen spoons.” “That’s all right,” said Hobbs. “Fanny Harkins and Dave Fisher are engaged. One spoon will do for them.”— [Bazar. GIVING AN ORDER. Small Boy—Mamma wants you to send her up quarter a pound of coffee and a pound of tea. Careful Grocer—lsn’t it a quarter of tea and a pound of coffee she wants? Small Boy—Well, it’s somehow that way, and —oh, I forgot, send us up a barrel of onions and half a dozen Bermuda potatoes and a peck of eggs; now don’t forget. THE HEIGHT OF HOSPITALITY. Mother—Why have you put on that old dress, and, dear me, why are you rubbing that dirt on your face? Little Daughter—Susie Slummer has turn to call on me, an’ she's dot an old dress an’ a dirty face.—[Good News. EQUAL TO THE OCCASION. First Boy (with bundle) —You stop sicking that dog at me, or I’ll—l’ll give him this meat. Second Boy—He, he! Wot good’ll that do? First Boy—While he’s eatin’ th’ meat I’ll lick you. Second Boy—Here, Tige!—[Good News.