Democratic Sentinel, Volume 16, Number 14, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 22 April 1892 — THE JOKER’S BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKER’S BUDGET.

JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. The Last Word—lmpossible to Keep —Both Alike—No Excuse—Two Recipes, Etc., Etc. TUB LAST WORD. Prattle (to his wife) —You don’t seem to have the courage of your convictions. Mrs. Prattle—-I’d like to know how you get at that conclusion. Prattle— You say, “There’s no use talking,” and then you talk some more. —[Puck! IMPOSSIBLE TO KEEP. Dukanc—You have a fine now watch, 1 see. Gaswell—Yes; isn’t it a beauty? It cost $l5O. “Does it keep time?” “Keep time? No; time flies ns fast us before 1 bought it.” —[Pittsburg Chronicle. BOTH ALIKE. “I look guilty,” The brooch from Attleboro sighed; “1 look guilty," The thief who pocketed it replied. NO EXCUSE. Mother—My dear, you were very rude during Professor Astralle’s call. While he was explaining the principles of theosophy you constantly interrupted him with questions. Little Girl—But, mamma, I didn’t know what he was talkin’ about. Mother—Neither did the professor, my dear. TWO RECIPES. O’Bcese—Say, Raysredge, how did you manage to get so thin? Raysredge—Helping dad tost his “Fat Preventative.” How did you manage to get so stout? O'Beoso—Helping my dad. Raysredge—What was ho doing? O'Boese—Nothing.—[Puck. SOCIAL GRAVITATION. Returned Tourist—What became of that fool, Saphead, who hud more money than ho know what to do with? Business Man—l don’t remember him. Was he much of a fool? “Perfectly idiotic ” “I presume he has dropped into society.”—[New York Weekly. my wife's bonnet. In allsho says I quite concur, Nor wish to disagree; For while it may be dear to her, It’s much more dear to me. didn't eat them. An American lady visiting Paris was continually interested in the smart little boys in white caps and aprons who do- • liver the wares of the pastry cooks. One day she said to one of these boys who hud brought her some cukes: "Ah, 1 suppose you get the benefit of one of these cakes yourself sometimes?” “What do you mean, mudume?” “You eat a cake now and then?” “Eat them? Oh, no, mad ime, that wouldn't do. 1 only lick ’em as 1 come along.”—[Youth’s Companion. losing her grip. Mrs. Witherby.—Mrs. Plankington doesn’t dross so well as she used to, does she? Mrs. Banger—No, since her husband signed tiie pledge she hasn’t the hold on him that she used to have.—[Cloak Review. DEPENDENT GEORGE. Ethel—Do say yes, papa. George can’t live without me. Closefist—l doubt if he could without me. THE VOICE OF EXPERIENCE. Young Callow—Do you think it is more trouble for a husband to manage a wife than it is for a wife to manage a husband? Benedick—l don't know, but if an experiment of that kind is tried in one family there is likely to be trouble enough for both.

THE FLY IN THE OINTMENT. Tramping Jake—lt’S getting to be too hard work to pick up a livin’ in this country. Es it wuzii't so fur away I’d go to Central Ameriky. A man don’t have to do nothin'there. Whole country's covered with bananas. Nothin’ to, do but lay under a tree all day an* eat bananus. Rusty Rufe—Gpt to pick ’em off n the trees, hain’t ye? “Course.'’ “I knowed thor' wuz some drawback.” —[Chicago Post. SHE WAR ON. “There’s trouble in sight,” said the gray-haired old funny man as he looked out of the window toward a body of men who might have been policemen. “Is there?” responded bis aged wife, who hud written many of his best jokes for him and wus up to his tricks. “Is there, dearie? Then possibly you had better get an older pair of glasses.” The ancient funny man, with a reproachful look at his wife, left the window with a sigh.—[Detroit Free Press. REWARDED. “I stole a kiss from you last eve,” He said to her; “alack, It was u theft for which I grieve— I come to give it back.” “You're very good, indeed,” said she; "Pray keep it for your honesty.” —[New, York Press. A MARTYR TO CANDY. Tommy—You did not give me the whipping you said you would. Father —Why, what a strange boy you are to want a whipping. Tommy—Well, I thought I should like the candy you always give me after it—[Once a Week. DISPROPORTIONATE. Perhaps it is too much to expect that the man who uses big words should furnish big ideas with them.—[Somerville Journal. Not so! He usually has the most tremendous idea of himself.—[Argosy. A MEAN HUSBAND. “I saw Mrs. Bunkerton to-day,” said Hicks. “She looked mighty handsome, too.” “She’s an odious woman,” returned Mrs. Hicks. “You never did admire any of my old girls,” said Hicks “That is only one, and I think you thought her perfe t. ” “Which one wao that?” queried Mrs Hicks. “Yourself,” retorted Hicks —[Bazar. PLENTY OF TIME. Husband—Your mistress went upstairs a while ago to write *a letter,

Mary. Please go up and see if she has finished it, as I want to go down town. Waitress—She has finished the letter, sir. and is just beginning on the postscript. Husband —Then I can go to the office for an hour or two before she finishes.— [New York Press. # A GENUINE ANTIQUE. Mrs. Suburb—ls this the house you’ve been talking about? I don’t like it at all. Agent—lt's the latest Queen Ann style, mum. Mrs. Suburb—l don't like it. The kitchen opens right into the parlor, or nearly so. Agent—Yes, mum. Queen Anne was a favorite cook, mum. She named that fine old apple pudding, ‘brown Betty,’ after Queen Elzaboth, mum. Queen Elisabeth was noted for doing things up brown, you know, mum. Mrs. Suburb—And, dear me, the cellar is half full of water. Agent—Yes, inum. In those old days people always kept water on hand, to use in time of a siege, you know, mum.— [New York Weekly. WHAT HE MEANT. , Ethel —What did you mean by telling Jessie I was the biggest flat you ever knew? George—l meant that, er—you were the most level headed girl in town. — [New York Herald. THE WILY FARMER. In the spring the wily farmer Sits him down with spirit glad, And to some city daily sends a Gorgeous summer ad. —(New York Herald. CIRCUMSTANCES ALTER CASES. “How many uro included in the general public?” “it depends on whether you are inviting it to subscribe for a newspaper, or to come up and take a drink. ’’ —[Kato Field's Washington. AN UNFASHIONABLE PAIR. “I think Mr. True and Miss Goodheart have concluded to withdraw from society.” “What makes you think so?’’ “Why they've been engaged for three weeks and there is no talk yet about the affair being broken off." ANYTHING TO ACCOMMODATE. I )r, iggist—Here's the only remedy in the world for a cold. Customer—l’ve tried that. I don’t care for it. Druggist—Then here's someth'ng just as good. BEFORE THE YEAR IS OVER. Belle-—Who do you suppose I'll be be: fore leap year is over? Blanche—Left, I guess. MYSTERIOUS. Dusty Rhodes—That Mrs. Dogood is u mighty mysterious critter. I asked hei for n ham bone this morning anti naturully expected to get a civil answer. Fitz William—Wlmtdid she say? Dusty Rhodes —She told mo to say nothing and saw wood.—[New York Herald. /wl EVERYTHING NEEDFUL. Old Grimes—Hullo, Bub, what y? doin' with that big dog? Smart boy—Can’t you see. I've got reins on him, an’ a whip. I’m out drivin’. Old Grimes—But ye hain't got n< wagon. Smart Boy—His tall is a waggin, ain't it?—[Good News. TOO MUCH FOR HIM. Upon Benny's return from his first day nt school his mother asked him il he hail learned anything new at school' “Yes’m,” he replied confidently, “1 learned the difference between a horidicular and a perpizontal line.”—[Philadelphia Times. HE DID. Bride (just after the wedding)—Alfred, you promised to give ine a surprise after we were married. Say, what ii it? Groom (s widower) —I’ve got six children, my pet.—[Comic.