Democratic Sentinel, Volume 16, Number 13, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 15 April 1892 — THE JOKER’S BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKER’S BUDGET.

JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. A Smart Boy—Proof Positive— BteM His Head High—A Burglar in Luck Knocked Out—Etc., Etc. A SMART BOY. Little Dick—There goes Johnny Smart on a safety. He’s the smartest boy in town. Father—How so? “He got himself a rich father.” “Humph! 1 don’t understand." “Why. his real father died, an’ then an orful rich man got 'quainted with his mother, but he didn’t like Johnny; so Johnny he pretended he was sick ’an goin’ to die; and then, after the rich man married his mother, he got well."— [Good News. PROOF POSITIVE. Jack—So you are engaged to Maud now? Tom—How do you know? Jack—You were the only man she didn’t flirt with last night. —[New York Herald. HELD HIS HEAD HIGH. Friend—l know you ere a proud and happy father, and \ I’ve no doubt that baby is a regular cherub, and all that; but I don’t see why you need hold your head quite so high. Young Father—That’s to keep from dropping asleep.—[New York Weekly. A BURGLAR IN LUCK. Smith was aroused from a sound sleep one night by a noise. Thinking that burglars were in the house, he arose, put on his trousers and went down stairs, holding his collar in one hand, the other empty. Finding no one below he returned to his room, and his wife immediately asked: “Frank, why did you take your collar instead of your revolver? “Why—(rather sheepishly) er—(brightening)—to collar him, of course.” Mrs. Smith fell asleep, thinking it was a lucky thing the burglar escaped. — [Detroit Free Press KNOCKED OUT. “I heard you talking about fools awhile ago, Miss Fannie,” said a silly dude to a sharp girl at a dance, “and ” “And,” she interrupted with a snap, “eavesdroppers never hear any good of themselves.” —[Detroit Free Press. A CHEAP COAT. Dingley—That’s a beautiful overcoat you have on. How much did it cost you? Caraway—Twenty-five cents. Dingley —Why, how was that? Caraway—Oh, the confounded tailor sent it home by express and I had to pay the freight. —[Brooklyn Life. A CHARACTER STUDY. “Did you ever study the faces in a barber’s shop of the men waiting to be shaved?” “Did you ever try to distinguish the pessimistic from the optimistic?” “Yes; and there is very little difficulty in assigning them to their respective classes.” “Indeed!” “Y’es; the pessimist is the last man that comes in and who has to wait until six other men are shaved before his turn comes, and the optimist is the man distinguished by the appellation of next.’ "—[New York Press.

PLEASING DOLLIE. Little Girl—Oh, mamma, my dollie fell down and broke her nose. Mamma —How did she fall? “She fell all by herself.” “How could she?” “She was standin’ up.” “Then you must have stood her up.” “Yes'm.” “And then you went off and left her?” “Well, childrens don’t want their mammas around all the time.”—[Good News. ONE OF HER PETS. She—l always have a great many pets about me. He (tenderly)—Am I one of them? She —Yes. You are my pet aversion. IT IS STRANGE. Driggs —There is one thing about a foreigner I don’t understand. Figgs —What? Driggs—He brags about his country all the time he is here, and about our country all the time after he gets home. APPROPRIATE. Cumso —What are you going to do with that mouse, Johnny? Johnny Cumso —Use it for bait. Cumso (astonished) —For bait? Johnny —Yes; I'm going to try to catch some catfish.—[Jester. GOOD DEFINITION.

“It's but a step from the sublime to the ridiculous.” “How so?” “Here’s a man offers SI,OOO for a bird dog. That's sublime. Here’s the owner, who won’t take it. That's ridiculous.”— [Brooklyn Life. NO SLEEP. “There is poor Robinson —hasn’t a place to sleep.” “What, Robinson?” “Yep.” “He has a home.” “Yes—and twins two weeks old.” THE HEIGHT OF BLISS. Hojack—Did Tom look happy when he stood up to get married? Tomdik—Yes; he couldn't have looked happier* if he had been “next” in a crowded barber shop.—[Judge. PLENTY OF AMMUNITION. Tom—l am not surprised that the Newweds have quarrelled; it was to be expected. Jack—Why? Tom—She always would use powder, and he was alwayshalf shot.—[Truth. ONCE WAS ENOUGH. Clara —Is this the first time' you ever proposed to a girl'? Jack —Yes, Miss Clara. Is it to be the last? FROM THE SAME SHOP. Happiness is but a cake Which the Wise and Merry take; Sorrow Is a lump of dough— Fools and cynics seek it, though. PET NAMES. Mrs. Breezey—You have no more pet names 'for me, now that we are married. Mr. Breezey—Pardon me, irty dearhereafter I shall call you my Waterloo. ’

I A LEAP YEAR PROPOSAL. She aaid: “I’m crazy with delight, I’ve a camera that’s brand new, I’ll photograph the things I like, And will begin by taking you.” MARRIAGE FOB SPITE. , “ She married to spite somebody, I believe.” “ Whom? Do you know?” “ I don’t know; but it looks as if it were her husband.” USEFUL. Little Johnnie—Say, Ma, does a min ister really need all the slippers that are given him? Mrs. Brown—Yes, indeed. His son is generally so very bad. A CONSIDERATE MASTER. f “Who er yez workin’ fur now, Dinnis?” “Ye know Mulcahy that has the livery sthable?” “Is it him! Shure I wouldn’t work for a man as mane as him. It’s a hard name he has?” K “Ah! yer mistaken in the man. Old Mulcahy is one ev the kindest an' most considerate bosses in town. He allows aitch wan av his hands sixteen hours to do a day’s work in.”—[Texas Siftings. A COMMON PRACTICE. “What are you busy with now?” “Nothing.” “How do you manage to raise the wind?’’ “I blow about what I am going to do.’ PLEASED WITH WHAT HE SEES THERE. “He is a confirmed pessimist, I believe?” “He is, indeed.” “Is there anything that he sees that pleases him?” “Oh, yes; he sometimes looks in the mirror.” NOTHING LIKE IT. • You will seldom see such a stony-stared look, Suoh a gaze of close concentration, As you’ll see on the face of the man who reads His first published communication. JUDGING FROM APPEARANCES. “ So, Jones married the widow to whom he was paying attention?” “Yes. How did you know?” “ I saw morning on the street and I noticed That he had lost all that jaunty air he used to have about him.” —]New York Press. TWO FEATURES OF ONE DAY. Mrs. Newliwed—l do so enjoy a bright day. Now last Monday was a superb day. MissSpinn—lt was—a perfect day for a walk or a drive. Mrs. Newliwed —Yes; but I was thinking of the wash.—[New York Sun. THE poet’s DEFIANCE. Though I’m a poet of the spring Before no editors I quail, Because I’ve learned aThing or two And send my rhymes to them by mail.