Democratic Sentinel, Volume 16, Number 12, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 8 April 1892 — HUMOR OF THE WEEK. [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

HUMOR OF THE WEEK.

STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Han; Odd. Curloun. and Lan^isMt Phases of Human Nature Graphically Portrayed b; Eminent Word Artists of Our Own Da;. The First Prlxo. Mr. J. Crowwell Sprinter, the noted athlete, was loafing away the morning in Tom DeWitt’s bachelor apartments, when he noticed a handsome silver mug that stood on the table. “Hello! Where did you get this?” he asked. “That is a first prize and commemorates the only event in which I won a cup;” answered Tom. “You? Where?” ejaculated Mr. Sprinter in astonishment. “Oh! I see the date—June 7, 1861.” “Yes; that was my birthday.” “No wonder you won it,” said Mr. Sprinter disgustedly; “there was no competition!”

No Advantage. A man whose head was perfectly bald sat down in a Griswold street barber-shop with a grin on his face, and as he was being lathered said: “I suppose you have observed that I am hald-lieaded?” “Yes, sir; I have observed it, sab,” replied the barber. “Rather got the advantage of you, eh?” “How, sah?” “Why, you cannot well ask me if I want my hair cut.” “No, sah, I can’t, sah; but I wishes to call your ’tenshun to my h’ar renewer—so cents a bottle—a pint in a bottle—make your h’ar grow in fo’ weeks, sah!”—Detroit Free Press. t> The Moro the Merrier, Marie—So you are engaged to Charlie Chester? Claire (carelessly)—Yes. Marie—lsn’t he the fourth Charlie to whom you are engaged? Claire (listlessly)—l believe so. - Marie—Go6d gracious, Claire, how do you tell them apart? Claire (sweetly)—l don’t-—Detroit Free Press.

It Can’t Be Kept. Dukane —“You have a fine new watch, I see.” Gaswell—“Yes; isn’t it a beauty? It cost $150.” “Does it keep time?” “Keep time? No; time flies as fast as before I bought it.”—Pittsburg Chronicle.

Mrs. Riley—Phwat is that bichloride av goold Oi hear so much about, Mrs. Foley? Mrs. Foley—Oi’m not poshitive, Mrs. Riley, but Oi t’ink it’s a new koind av dhrink th’ foor hundred do he afther takin’.—Judge. The Mystery Solved. Mr. Wayback—Be yew the waiter? Waiter—Yes, sah. Mr. Wayback—Dew yew know, I’ve been a-wonderin’ all along why they called these places chop-houses. -1 know now. Will yew please bring me an ax? I want tew cut this steak.” —J udge. What It Wa*. Tailor—“ Your bill is overdue, sir.” i Slowpay—“Overdon’t, you mean. Come around next week.”—Exchange. Changed the Ordor. | Mr. S is a very absent-minded man. Mrs. S asked him the other day if he would call in at a furniture store when he was down-town and send up two copper-colored portieres. I He said he would, and straightway went and forgot it until just a few moments before it was time for him to return. Then he remembered j zomething about his wife’s order, but nothing definite. At last he rushed into an intelligence office and left this on the slate: “Mrs. S wants two copper-col-ored porters; send them up at once S- . ” —Detroit Free Press. A Great Scheme. “That is a fine dog you have there,” : said a gentleman to Lum Cogburn yesterday. j “Yes, ” replied Dum, with a chuckle, . “that dog is a dandy. I have been living off that dog fur over two years now. He makes me a good living. ” | “What! You don’t mean to say ' that the dog keeps you, instead of you keeping the dog, do you?” j “Well, it’s pretty much that way,” said Lum. “I’ll tell you how it is. That is a dernation fine-looking dog and I have no trouble in selling him for $5 most any day. I sell the dog, get the money, and about the next | day the dog comes home. Then I sell him again. By disposing of the or three times a week I succeed in making a right comfortable : living. But you must excuse me—there's a man across the street there now who looks as though he might buy a dog.”—Punxsutawney Spirit. The English of It. Mr. Rhoads—“When I was traveling down South among the crack- ! ers ” Miss Athenia Hubbs (of Boston) — ! “Y T ou mean among the biscuits, do I you not, Mr. Rhoades?”—Puck.