Democratic Sentinel, Volume 16, Number 10, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 25 March 1892 — HUMOR OF THE WEEK. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR OF THE WEEK.

STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Many Odd, Curious, and Lsa(haUs Phases o t Human Nature Graphically Portrayed by Eminent Word Artists el Our Own Day. Prom the German. A. —You are a regular spendthrift Here I find you drinking champagne out of a beer glass. B. —You call me a spendthrift and yet you want me to spend money buying wine glasses when I can worry along wit.i an ordinary beer glass.— Texas Siftings. Time and Money. “Time Is money, my dear,” he said, hustling around in a great hurry. “Come off,” she replied tartly, “I’ve got plenty of time to buy a bonnet but I don’t get the bonnet, just the same. ” —Exohange. Doing Her Share. A poor woman applied to the lady in charge of a charitable association; “Have you a husband?” inquired the lady. “Yes’in,” answered the woman,! “but he’s poorly and can’t make a living.” “How many children have you?” , > “Thirteen, mum.” “Thirteen!” replied the lady, with surprise. “Yes’m, thirteen.” “You must have had some twins.” “No’rn,” the woman replied, innocently, “there ain’t no twins. I 1 though I was doing my share with, one at a time.”—Texas Siftings. A Judicious Choice. Mae—Well, I had four proposals last night. ;; Maud—lndeed' Who were they?’ Mae—Well, there were Jack and Tqm and Ned and that lrightful Mr. Pigsfoot. Maud —Which did you accept? Mae —Mr. Pigsfoot: , ~ Maud—What in the world did you take him for? Mae —Well, you see, he is In the glue business and I thought he would be the most likely to stick.—Boston Courier.

•••■ i f ■ A Haunted House. Featheretone —Do you believe la ghosts? Travers —Well, for years I have been living in a haunted house. Featherstone —You don’t tell me? Who is it haunted by? Travers—By my tailor. —Clothier and Furnisher. He Was Conscientious. Editor—You say, you wish this pottn to appear in’ my paper anonymously? Would-Be Contributor— Yes; 1 don’t want any name to it. “Then I can’t publish it.” “Why not?” “Because I am conscientious about this matter. 1 don’t want an unjust suspicion to. fall upon some innocent person.”—Texas Siftings. Sanitary Item. Mamma (to daughter) —Now, Eugenie, tjiis is a new life to both of us. If your poor, lamented father were alive we wouldn’t be reduced to the necessity of keeping a boardinghouse. Eugenia—Well, mamma, doesn’t seem to be any other course left to us. Mamma —I know it, Eugenia. You must be very circumspect, and, while polite to all, you must, in your late lamented nautical father’s words, “repel boarders.” Eugenia—Don’t you think, mamma, we ought to leave that to the hash?—Exchange. > It Wat Funny. “Well, this is funny.” “What is?” “This word in this item. Just look here.” The compositors laid down their sticks and crowded around the funny man to look at the word. The word was “funny.” But the compositors didn’t think it was funny, so they returned to their cases.—Cape Cod Item. Her Speech. Americans, we arc often told, have a natural turn for speech-making. A birthday gift by the father and the three daughters of the family to the mother was thus naively announced to that lady by the youngest, a girl 10: “Dear mamma, this is presented to you by your three children and your one husband.’’-,-New York Tribune. t Not the Right Sort. Visitor—How do you like your new minister? Mrs. Muggs—He won’t last very long. His wife is too worldly minded. “Really?” “Yes. It’s perfectly scandalous. All her dresses fit her.”—New York Weekly. Changed the Su^tot. He (gently)—Are you not afraid some one may marry you for your money? She (sweetly)—Oh, dear, no. Such an idea never entered my head. He (tenderly)—Ah, in your sweet innocence you do not know how coldly, cruelly mercenary some men are. She (quietly)—Perhaps not. He (with suppressed emotion) —I I would not for the world have such a terrible fate happen to you. The man who wins you should love you for yourself alone. , She—He’ll have ta. It’s my cousin Jennie who has the money, not I. You’ve got us mixfed- II haven’t a cent. •• He—Er —very pleasant Weather we’re having,—New York Weekly. i Mrs. Potter Palmer “wants a newspaper published at the fair man aged, edited, written, set up, and (printed by women. If Mrs. Palgner (were familiar with the personnel of a office she would recognize (that this would necessitate a girl “devil”—surely a thing not" to be thought of in connection with womlm’s sphere. A clergyman named Orchard has been robbing his benefactor in Canada. This is turning the tables with a vengeance.