Democratic Sentinel, Volume 16, Number 8, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 11 March 1892 — THE JOKER’S BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKER’S BUDGET.

JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY MEN OP THE PRESS. Unaccountable Delay—She Felt Relieved—A Sliding Scale— Then and Now—No Flies, Etc., Etc. UNACCOUNTABLE DELAY. In the da} r s when the stage was still the prevailing modo of travel in the West, a traveler one day grew inoensed at the slow progress made by the vehicle iu which he was a passenger. Remonstrating with the stage-driver, ho said: “What’s the matter with tho team this trip? We’re going as slow as a New England prayer-meeting. I was over this route ten years ago, and we went fast enough then.” t “We do seem to be gittin’ a loetle less hump on oursel’s than we did then, fur a fac’, pard," said the (driver; “but the why of it heats me. These here’s the identical broncos we had then.”—[Harper’s Magazine. SHE FELT RELIEVED. He—Will you marry me? Your answer, quiok! She (as he makes a motion to take something out of his vest-pocket)—Oh, don’t, don’t, Fred! I will marry you, but don’t, don’t. He—Don’t what? I was simply reaching for the engagement ring. She (relieved) —-Oh, I thought—l was afraid it was a dynamite bomb.—[Boston News. A SLIDING SCALE. “Tommy,” said the employer, one chilly morning, “I wish you to regulate the heat so that the mercury iu the thermometer shall stay around seventy degrees.” “I suppose,” said Tommy, “that seventy degrees will do for this kind of weather, but when it gets colder wo’ll need the mercury higher.”—[Philadelphia Times. THEN AND NOW. When mother held the little chap And sang to him a tune At night, while he sat on her lap, He cried to got the moon. Now more than half a century lies Between him and his birth; No more to get the moon he cries, To-day lie wants tho earth. —[New York Press. THE ROAD TO RICHES. Ponsonby—That man yonder came to America two years ago. He was a poor watchmaker; ho went West and-opened a little store. He is now worth three millions. Popinjay—Thought there was no money in the business. Ponsonby—There isn’t. He mawied an heiress?—[Jewelers’ Circulur. NO FLIES. A mermaid in the darkness deep, Wa. ged her slippery tail with glee, And w rbledthus, in liquid tones, “Thoreuro no flics on mo.” —[New York Herald. AN HONEST EFFORT. “John,” said the minister’s wife, “how many more times are you going to recite that sermon of yours ? ” “Don’t bother mb, my dear, if you please,” ho returned. “I am prantising what I preach.”—[New York Sun. FISHED FOR A COMPLIMENT. Alice (looking at her portrait)—Don’t you think that Van Brush bus managed to make rather a pretty picture of me ? Edith—Yos; he really has—what a remarkably clever artis he is. A BACK HAND COMPLIMENT. “Yes,” said Miss May True, iu n conversation with Chappie, “I can remember things that happened when 1 was a wee, wee girl.” Then Chappie, wishing to pay her a compliment, said: “You must have an excellent memory, for that must have been many, many years ago.” THROUGH THE REGULAR CHANNELS. Manager—The latest general order say* we should economize in ovejy possible way. Hereafter you must pick up all the waste papor and send it to me. Chief Clerk—ls I must do this extra work I want a raiso of salary. Manager—All right; put your application in with the waste paper.—[Telegraph Age.

ARMEDTOR THE FRAY. A tramp applied to a lady for work and was given some carpets to lveat. Ho did the job so well that she commended him for it. "You must have beaten carpets frequently to be such an expert,” she said. “Never beat a carpet before in my life, lady; I’ve alius teachod school,” ho auswered promptly.—[Detroit Free Press. • CONSISTENT IX HER TASTES. Fangio—lt seems to me very strange that Mrs. McJunkin should lavish so much affection on that homoly pug dog. Cumso—Not at all. You ought to soo her husband.—[Epoch. FATHER TO THE MAN. Georgio Gazzam (aged five) —Let me tell you the latest smart thing my father said. Benny Bloombumper (aged four and a half)—Thanks, no; I’m tired. I have a smart father myself.—[Brooklyn Life. rapid growth. “This town seems to be making great Kess,” said a visitor to a resident of ville, Oklahoma. “ You are jist right, stranger. Why, we’ve had to enlarge the jail twice.”— [Epoch. appearancf.s against him. Office Boy—There is a man outside who says he has a play he wunts you to read. Manager —How is he dressed ? Office Boy—Oh, he is “ out of sight ” —silk hat, patent leathers and boxcoat. Manager—Tell him I’m not in; he must be an amateur. —[Clothier and Furnisher. any port. Ethel—l made George promise last night to spend our honeymoon at Newport. Maud — That will do as well as any place; any port in a storm, you know. Nils SKELETON. Featherstone—Do you believe in ghosts? Tracers—Well, for years I have been living in a haunted house. Featherstone —You don’t tell me? Who U It haunted by? Travers—By my tailor. [Clothier and Furnisher.