Democratic Sentinel, Volume 16, Number 5, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 19 February 1892 — THE JOKER’S BUDGET [ARTICLE]

THE JOKER’S BUDGET

JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Bright—Unpoetical—ls the Cap Fits —Repartee—Vanlting Ambition, —A Point Well Taken, Etc., Etc. BIGHT. She saw him off upon the train. And showed that parting was but pain, ‘•'At every stopping-place,” ho said, “lie sure you write, then go ahead.” —[Judge. UNPOETICAL. “I can't understand these poets. Here’s this Shakespeare follow tulking about stonos preaching sermons.” “There's nothing remurkablo about it. Why, every wagon has a tongue! ” [Rider and Driver. IF TIIK. CAl* Firs. Girl (at piano, just being singing)— Man’s coming round to tune the piano, to-morrow. Friend—ll’in! Pity that he can’t tune voices. REPARTEE. Small man (to tall man) —Upon my word, you are as stupid ns you arc tall! Tall man (to small man) —And you are as clever us you are short. VAULTING AMBITION. “Was he hurt by falling at the hurdie?” “Yes; but he hopes to got over it." SHE WAS IN FOB IT, ANYWAY. “If you take the last piece of bread on the plate,” said the mother to her marriageable daughter, “you won’t be married for so von years.” The young lady broke the bread into two pieces und took one piece. “That’s better,” said her mischievous brother, “that reduces tlnfiperiodto threo years and a half.”—[New York l’ross. KEEP COOL. Is a lion in the way? Koep cool; Toll him that we rcspoct pride, Tell him that the world is wide And that he must stand aside. Keep cool. A SACRIFICE TO THE ENGLISH SPARKOW. Citizen (to ono-eyod man) —My friend, are you one of the victims of the small boy with the airgun? One-Eyed Man—l am, sir. “1 should think you would bo on the watch for him, hereafter.” “Yes, I am keeping an eye out for him.”—[Chicago Tribune. GAVE IT UP AND GUESSED IT. “What does a volcano do with luva?” asked Freddy. “Give it up,” replied his father. “That's right,” said Freddy.—[Harper's Young People. A POINT WELL TAKEN. “You are trying to break your uncle’s will, L believe?” “ Yes.” “How did lie leave his money?” "He left it all to build a monument to himself.” "And you expect, to break the will?” “Certainly. Wo make the point that, no man deserves a monument who thus ! ehouts his relatives.” [Now York Press. HOME DAY. Perhaps some day a blizzard hold Will come and permanently freozo The man who talks of days more cold— Yes, many times us cold as these. —1 Washington Star, j THE GENIAL CAB DiirVElt,

Smith —A now motor for increasing the speed of horse ours has boon discovered. •Jones —Has it! Well, the horse cars don't need it up my way. All I have to do to increase the speed of the cars is to signal to the driver with my umbrella that I want to get on board.—[Texas Siftings. QUITE TIIK OPPOSITE. “After all the talk about marriage being a failure 1 don't soo that marriage is declining." “No, marriage is not declining; it is the result of accepting.”—[New York Press. PERHAPS HUE WAS SARCASTIC. “You’ve been courting six years you say, and proposed to her last night. Did she accept you! 1 ” ‘She has taken till to-night to think about if." “What did she say when you asked her?" “She said, ‘This is so sudden!’ ” AN RAH KOU MI’SIC. Hicks—l think the baby has a good ear for music. Mrs. Hicks From what do you judge, dear? . Hicks—Whenever you begin to play, he howls. KIXINU TIIINUS. Customer (,in restaurant) —See hero, Mr. Proprietor, this steak is so tough, 1 can scarcely cut it. Proprietor—We'll make that all right, sir. Here, waiter, just hand this gentleman another knife. , I.IKK WO ILK IIK 1101.1.0 W WITHOUT lIKR. Fireman—Now then, one at a time — hurry up, if you all want to get out alive! Mr. lJenthayre—Save the cook fust; we may never be able to get another one!—[Puck. A HOMELY COM I* ARISON. ‘Jeweller —This watch don’t require a key. You wind it by turning the stem, so. Jason (in high glee)—Just like a calf, ain't it? Twist its tail an’ away it goes. —[Jewellers’ Weekly. a woman’s - letter. “Mary,” called the husband upstairs, “ why don't you come down ? Haven't you finished your letter yet ?’’ “I finished' the letter long ago." “What keeps you, then ? ” “I am writing tho postscript.” “Gracious me! Have I got to mind this baby two hours longer?”—[New York Press. tiie same, but smaller. “What a beautiful carriage that is!” “Oh, I’ve owned many of them in iny time.” “Had a big stable and coach-house, eh?” “Oil, no—had fourteen children!”— [Rider and Driver. REPENTED IN HASTE. He—They married in haste. She—And repented ut leisure, I suppose? He—No; their repentance wua quite as knsty as their marriage.—ITruth.

REASON FOB BROODING. “There are times when ho is very gloomy.” “I don't wonder. He calls himself a self-made man.” A QUEER VIEW OF IT. “Ho is a very sick man.” “Yes, but the fact that he hangs on so long is favorable to his recovery.” “I think the* contrary. He grows weaker every day, and the longer he lives the greater chance there is of his dying.” CONTENTMENT. 1 pushed the wavy golden lock From off her forehead fair, And whore a had lately been A kiss 1 printed there. 1 held the tresses shining fair As yellow buttercup; “ Was that a good kiss, love? ” said I, And she replied, “Bang up.” —[New York Herald. A FITTING RESPONSE. Smith (beyond) —Hullo! there’s Jones; he wanted that now suit badly. Brown—Yes; and lie’s got it “badly.” SCARCELY SYMPATHETIC. Miss Leftover —For more than twenty years this golden circlet with its spark of living light had been a bud of promiso. It will yet blossom and bear rich fruit. Mrs. Do Witt —Indeed? I should think the frosts of so many winters would have blasted it?—Jewollers’ Weekly. gkoruk’s ardor. Bolle—George says ho loves the ground I tread upon. Blanche—That’s unfortunate, for your father will bo certain to insist on your moving right after the wedding. CRUEL. Effio (to Mrs. Belwoather, who Ims just been spouking of Mr. B.) —Why, Mrs. Bolwoathor, I thought you hadn’t any husband. Mrs. B.—Why, of course, T have, Kftie. Do you mqan to say. that you don’t know Mr. Bolwoathor? Effio—Yes, but 1 didn’t suppose tliut ho was your husband. 1 thought you hadn’t any. Papa said you married for money, und that was all you got. WHY DICK TOOK HIS TIME. Wifo—l wonder why littlo Dick doesn't come home. 1 want him to run on a lot of errands. Husband —Doos ho know it? Wifo—Yes; l told him before ho wont to school. Husband (who was once a boy himself) —You might have had more sense. —[Good News. WHO IS HE? Mrs. Herd so—Who is this boy Motion that wo read so much about? Mrs. Suidso—What do you road about him? Mrs. Hordso lie seoins to bo always being adopted. TRULY A HELPMATE. Husband My dear, we’ll have to economize. Wiso —Well, let’s smoko loss. —[Puck. HE didn’t WONDER. “I do not sleep well at night?" said the lawyer to his physician. “Which side do you lie on?” “I cun lie on either; it doosn’t muko any difference.” •• . cs, I ought to have kuown that. 1 don’, woiide' tliut you can t sleep.” — [Net- York Press.