Democratic Sentinel, Volume 16, Number 2, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 29 January 1892 — Page 6

Ilje PcmocratirSciiliiid RENSSELAER, INDIANA. J. W. McEWfIN, - - - I JPpblishbb.

ONE MILLION A DAY.

THAT AMOUNT IN GRAIN COES TO EUROPE. ■ j -■ : From a Kansas Barn Floor tQ a European Steamer’s Hold-The Journey of a Great Crop from file Western Prairie to the 'Seaboard and Thence to Europe. A Kernel of Corn Tells of Its Travels. A kernel of coni was tumbled into a bln of wheat on board a storm-tossed Atlantic York bound for Antwerp. And afrit lay’there it recognized a kernel of wheat near by as one that had lain beside it for a whole weary yeek.oß the floor of old Farmer Brown’s granary, out in Kansas. They were old, friends, so to speak, and had grown up together on the same broad acres Within half a mile of each other. As chance would have it, a farm hand casually swept them up from the floor and tossed one into a bin of corn and the other into a bin of wheat, and soon after each one was shoveled with billions of duplicates upon a wagon and then loaded onto a car for the ride of 1,200 miles to the seaboard. The journey had been eventful, but

BOTTOM OF HOPPER WITH SPOUT LEADING TO BINS.

the kernel of com had had by far the most eventful time of it. It was not in ■a happy frame of mind, for it had lost several of its cortications and was wan and haggard, compared to the plump, fat specimen it was when it lay in the fanner’s granary. “Why,” said the kernel of corn to the kernel of wheat, “matters went well enough until we reached Buffalo. I did not mind being shoveled into the bottom of a car, with 800 bushels on top of me,

GRAIN POURING THROUGH THE ELEVATOR “LEG” INTO THE VESSEL'S HOLD.

but wben we got to Buffalo we were unceremoniously pitched out of the ear door By* a oouple of men with a steam shovel, and we fell headlong into a big Iron box at the bottom of an elevator. Big buckets on an endless belt picked us up, and before we knew it we had been taken up about sixteen stories, I should think, to the top floor of the elevator, weighed and dusted and started op our way down again through-an iron pipe. We lay for a few days in a huge bin, with about 70,000 bushels of cdrn, and

WEIGHING GRAIN IN THE ELEVATOR “HOPPER.”

theft ai'gate was Opened and down we went ihto cars and canalboats through a long i iron > pipe, ealled a leg by the men in charge of it. “Ihe lower, open end of the leg was moved about on the car back and forth, while millions of kernels of com shd};.through it until the oar was packed full. Boards, ytere.ppt up,hy,the door as fast as the ear filled to keep us from spilling out. “There -were many miles of cars in long trains from'Kansas, Nebraska, and Missouri in Buffalo, and long tows, schbbhere, yWd lake'propetters from Dulktfi; Chicfigd; Milwaukee, and other pocfa the great lakes. All of the find jeioaded fin a huhdred trates <-pfWU]kA&d bn' Canalboats for transportat^ ft te jthe seaboard. Some of the York over the New ih»e-aj»d. VVestern Baiiroad; othtitefxyer the Shore; and more tjUhßMther of thesAufeame hy the New Nest.'to the Central the Efiß? —’©ana#- .the largest some of the boats came throughtfttNew Yost fleonrthe lakes “My fMkt great elevator- It great freight yards, cars of grain, of 160,000*.basfMi,(pre arriving there from were a long time in Other cars and •uStnfesji iioul and then on -tjtfiMn jSkgdivided into two ]'•* ~ r, “iflrfna)rsM ifi I then each i-un liWjhNlu* etowatpr Jilling Pft ta'est to end. ijfi ( eire i^as' , room for •Bother tram in ©n b'frack |»aitel , to-tho other ,t«vo, but it ie'.Wd ptTpadmg'ckrs Wtthgnaiii for the t’entral England Bt«teß.- j. < “When the. train was in there the door, •f pitt Var flwW opeHUrfd seen with steam show*ld, wdrtfcd-from the’ crtrtside and attached to a rope which draws them up to ■ifiSfl? dropped to the bottom of the ear and might have remained there had not a boy With a broom swept out the car and sent

me along with the other kernels. It was the gentlest treatment I received on the whole journey and it saved one of my cortications. “I fell through an iron grating Into an iron box under the ground floor of the elevator and dark as a pocket. The box will hold the contents of several cars. The elevator is 160 feet high, and we were carried up to the top floor on a

bucket belt in a jiffy. They had cleaners up there and scales that can weigh 70,000 bushels at once. We fell first into a garner right above the scale bin, and had to wait there while a lot of wheat was being weighed. The garner is not as large as the scale bin, and is so arranged that it can be filled while the scale bin underneath is being weighed and emptied. So there is no interruption in the work of unloading and loading. After a while we heard- a hissing, rustling sound, as if something ’ were giving way beneath us. It Was the scale bin being emptied. When the noise stopped there was a click, and away all the corn in the garner went down into tho scale bin. It was an awful fall and made me dizzy. "I saw a kernel of wheat trembling on a board that projected a little way into the scale bin, for everything shook as we fell. He was seared half to death, and said that he had been shifted from one bin to another for about a week, and had learned that there are about 250 bins — some for shipping and receiving, with a total capacity of 1,500,000 bushels—in the building. As he passed out of one bin into another he was whisked through the cleaner and shaken down into one sieve after another until ho lay half conscious on the floor. Before he recovered from his fright the poor little thing had been picked up and weighed and measured half a dozen times, and hurled headlong down a leg, or tube, nearly one hundred feet into a eanalboat. He thought that his troubles were ended, but they were only begun. Some one inside

the building decided that the boat would have to be unloaded. The agony of this, he said, was excruciating. First, the boat was moved to the south end of the elevator. There was a ‘li-e-o-! h-o-a-v-e!’ and a clanking of ropes and pulleys, when suddenly the long marine leg of the elevator with its endless belt of buckets was ruthlessly thrust into the eanalboat and began its work. Some of the little kernels of wheat were crushed, and all were terrified. The man with the shovel was on hand again gathering them up from the ends of the boat, and before they knew it they were all upon the top floor of the elevator again, ready to be weighed and sent through the bins once more into a train of cars bound for New England. The marine leg was pulled up out of sight when the boat was emptied, and when I saw this little kernel he was heartbroken at having been left behind by his companions. “He was a whole fortnight in that elevator, sometimes on the floor, at others in grain bins, and once he was tossed on to a man's hat brim, where he lay until he was shaken off into a bin of wheat entirely different from the one he started with. What he doesn’t know about the place isn’t worth tho telling. He told me about a big belt in the north end of the building which turns all of the complicated machinery. ! “The belt is 300 feet long and 4i feet ikide. It weighs 2,800 pounds. On the top floor this belt turns a shaft extending the entire length of the building. The shaft is connected with the lofters, which have belt buckets that do not extend to the bottom floor and are used in shifting grain from one bin to another, or sending it through the cleaner into the big hopper above the scales. Beneath the hopper he noticed a leg that turned around, so that when the grain runs out

GRAIN UNLOADED FROM CARS AND CARRIED TO THE TOP OF THE ELEVATOR BY STEAM.

of the hopper it may be sent into any one of the twenty bins at will. This is done by putting the mouth of the leg into any one of the many shafts all arranged in a circle like the 1 raters of a typewriter about a circular space. Some of the shafts were marked ‘S. 4,’ meaning that it would lead to shipping bin No. 4. Another was marked- ‘A. B. 6,’ receiving bin 6, in another part of the building, and the grain from the hopper could be sent by this simple process into almost any one of them. The wheat kernel also came upon nineteen endless

OUTGOING STEAMSHIP LOADING FOR EUROPE.

, “There are five scales with a capacity for weighing about 70,000 bushels of grain each. And from each of the legs on tho east side 1,400 bushels of grain may be poured into a car in five minutes. Its flow is regulated by a gate and it can bo swung back and forth so as to iili the car eveDly. Between 100,000

and 200,000 bushels of grain go through the place every day. Some of it is cleaned in the building before it is weighed, and the arrangement of shafts and endless- buckets is most convenient for sending it from one end of the building to the other. “The kernel I was talking to told mo that on a man’s hat brim he rode into the scale-room office. “A man keeps track of every kernel of corn that passes through the building. He has aii office on the scale floor and Several assistants. Along one side of the room is a blackboard, having an outline of tho plan of the interior of the building painted on it. The receiving bins and shipping bins aro connected by chalk marks, showing which ones may be immediately connected for the shifting of grain. “Below this are squares numbered after each of the 250 storage bins in the elevator. Rod wheat in red chalk, corn in yellow chalk, green wheat in green chalk, wheat in white chalk, and oats in purple chalk were marked on each square to represent the number of the bin to which it refers. Only two of the bins were empty last week, and the man in charge could tell in a twinkling if an order for a certain number of bushels of any kind of grain should come in just what bins he could go to to And it. And below this was another table that looked like a schoolboy’s formula for finding the least common multiple. By this lie could tell just what legs and belts and machinery he would have to connect in order to get it ready for shipment in the big shipping bin where it is weighed. “While ho was talking the scale bin was emptied again by a man who pulled a gate, and I left tho heartbroken kernel and was whisked down through a dozen bins without stopping except to catch my breath. Early one morning, after I had rested half the night, we had to go again. “This time it was on to a eanalboat or lighter, which was to take us alongside an ocean steamer. Down a long leg—there are nineteen of them on the west side of the elevator—we went. You never saw such a fall, and the grain poured out of the leg just as water flows out of a pipe. The dust was suffocating. I struck the side of the boat and lay on the deck, for a moment partly stunned. One man held the end of the leg down which the corn was falling. He had a ropo about it and pulled ou the rope to guide it. First it filled up one side of the boat and then the other. Another man wallowed in the com on board with a shovel. He wore a muzzle on his face that made his head look like the head of old Farmer Brown’s hogs. The other kernels of corn were frightened. They did not object to being sent to distant Russia, where they could relieve the famine, or go to Ireland either, where they could do much good. But to fall into the trough of a hog after such a journey was beyond their endurtmee. Just then I saw that it was a muzzle the man had put on to keep out cortications from flying into his nostrils. Ho was covered with dust and his hair was gray with it. We were soon pulled out into the river alongside an ocean steamer. A tug came after us and a lot of boats were hitched together. Some of them left beside ‘tramp’ steamships. Others were dropped alongside the big passenger boats. The one I was on was left by

bucket belts running from the ground floor of the building to the top, and I learned upon inquiry that each one of these belts will raise 5,000 bushels of grain in an hour. On the west side of the elevator, toward the river, are nineteen legs by which canal boats are loaded, and a marine leg, which is kept in the north wing of the building, for unloading canal boats when it is necessary.

THE ELEVATOR MEN’S DUST MUZZLE.

this ship and it was not long before we were oil board. But we had to go aboard , another boat first—an elevator boat. And it was the seventh time I was transshipped sinca I left old Brown’s form. “At last a tugboat with an elevator built tight on it reaching way up higher than the sidQ of a ship came along and began to wedge its way in between us and the ocean vessel. It had an air of business and bustle and there was a corresponding bustle on the steamship when it arrived. Soon after I was swept

int* the hold of the eanalboat, the elevator boat ran a long leg down Into the eanalboat. Then the powerful machinery that is used to move the tug was applied to the machinery in the elevator and the buckets on the belt began to pick up the kernels of corn in the canalboat at a terrific rate. “On the elevator floor below the top cne there was a brief wait, while we were weighed again, and then we went spinning down into the bottom of the ship’s hold. Above the scales was a cleaner, but our lot did not have to go through that, as wo were cleaned at the elevator, and it is used chiefly for grain that comes ofi from Buffalo all the way by boat and is not cleaned in one of the great railroad elevators. “The elevator on board the boat has all the appliances of the railroad elevator, but the ship’s hold is the bin into which the corn is sent. When I got down here with another cortication partly gone I found the steamer’s hold divided into bins, some for wheat and some for corn. “Tho elevator leg was swung to and fro. First ,one bin was filled, then another, just as the freight cars had been at Buffalo, and men with shovels evened it off. In tramp steamships, where there are no bins, men have a harder time to trim tho hold with Hieir shovels. When the top is dressed as evevriy as it can be boards are laid on it and on them heavy flour barrels are placed so'that the grain will not' shift from side to Side and perhaps not Shift back again when tho vessel heaves. Tramp steamships aro in great peril sometimes when this happens iq rough weather. ”

“And are wo going to be haqled out,of here tho same way?" asked the wheat kernel, deeply interested in his fate. “Yes; I guess in about the same way when we reach the other side,” answered the corn. “You have no conception of the amount of grain shipped from tho United States in ono year,’’the kernel of corn went on. “Why, I heard two men giving figures as to the value of cereals exported as follows: From New Fork, during November, 1 891 ---- $10,833,2-23 From New York, during November, 1890........ 2,£37,189 From New York, eleven months to November 30, 1891 50,358,048 From New York, eleven months to November 39, 1890 14,595,703 From United States, eleven months to November 3), 1891 194,000,000 From-United States, eleven months to November 30, 1890 128,900,000 Each of the kernels wanted to go where he could do some good in alleviating the wants of humanity, and in this generous missionary spirit they both fell asleep. As “breadstuffs” is the largest single item in value in our exports the figures of total exports for November, 1891— $110,100,220 —are interesting, as they are the largest on record. For the year ending Dec, 1, 1891, our total exports reached the enormous sum of $949,022,185, and the United States sold to other nations $129,649,696 of product more than they took from all othor nations. For the current fiscal year the exports from the United States will exceed one billion dollars.

Variety of Voices.

It does not seem possible that we shall evor be able to comprehend, the language of animals, but it is interesting to note the variety of their voices. In the mammalia, the general construction of the larynx is like that of a man, the power and character of the sound depending on the different degrees of development of the vocal chords and the peculiarity of structure of the vocal organs. The timbre, or quality, of the voice is remarkably distinct in the different classes of animals, and also varies in those of the same class. Lions and tigers, with their magnitude of chest, make a roar that (ills the ear with a sense of horror, the depth of voice giving to the mind the idea of an enormous being. The horse neighs in a descent ou the chromatic scale, without even omitting a semi-tone, being one of the most .musically voiced of animals. The ass brays in a perfect octave, and one of its ejaculations hes been copied by Haydn, in his Seventy-sixth Quartette, with great success. The bark of a dog is an instance of a voice acquired by domestication, much as the trotting of a horse is an acquired movement. An ape produces an exact octave of musical sounds, ascending and descending the scale by half tones, so that, perhaps, it alone of the brute animals may be said to sing. The howling, or preaching, monkey of South America has a voice that can be heard for two miles. The giraffe and the armadillo are voiceless—with no vocal chords. The chirp of the long-eared bat is said to be the most acute sound produced by any animal, and only live out of six persons can hear it. In reptiles, the larynx is in a rudimentary condition. The crocodile and cayman make a feeble, roaring sound. One kind of a frog has a sound-bag, evidently acting as a resonance chamber, on each side of its mouth. The tortoise gives a mere snuffling sound. Snakes have no vocal chords, but produce a hissing by expulsion of air through the narrow openings in the glottis. Most fish are mtite. Insects, such as crickets, grasshoppers and bees, have been considered more musicians than singers, most of their sounds being caused by friction of their wings or legs together, or against their body, or by vibration of their wings. A grasshopper of Brazil may be heard half a mile, which is as if a man with a big voice could be heard over the world.— Great Divide.

A New Orange and Lemon Peeler.

A remarkably ingenious and simple orange- and lemon peeler is now being introduced by which it is claimed that 1,000 oranges may be peeled without soiling Anger or glove or losing a drop of juice. The peeler is a piece of wire, nickel-plated, and very much in the shape of a button-hook, but with a tiny blade let into the inner bend of the hook. When the point of the hook is drawn into the fruit it slides between the pulp and the peel without danger of entering either, while the blade divides the peel easily and rapidly, after which it way be removed without trouble.

The “Big Dipper.”

In astronomy the “Big Dipper,” so called, is in the constellation of Ursa Major or the Great Bear. The stars forming the tail of the bear also form the handle of the dipper. The first star in the handle is Benetnasch; the second Mizar; the third Alioth. The other four, which go to form the bowl of the dipper are Megres, Phad, Merak, and Dudhe. The two last are called “The Pointers,” because they point or .guide the eye to the pole star, which 3s. distant 29 degrees. The top stars are 10 degrees and the bottom ones 8 degrees apart.

RASH DRINK OF WATER.

*1 It Almost Cost a Hunter tn India Hli Life. A correspondent sends to the Youth’s Companion an account of his experience in killing a tiger. He was traveling through India on official business, and in one of the villages heard of tiger which committed nightly depredations. He bought a calf for bait, and the natives took it to a point outside the village and fastened it to a stake under a convenient tree, where,a branch, some twenty feet from 'the ground, hung over it. Just before night, armed with two rifles and two pistols, all the firearms I had with me, I established myself alone upon that branch. I did not even take my one servant with me. He would only have gone to sleep and fallen to the ground.

Quietly I prepared for business. I hung my ammunition belt over the limb, where I could reach it easily. My pistol belt I hung beside it, with one pistol on each side, so that I could lay my hand upon either instantly. One rifle I balanced against the tree, and as there was no place l’or the other, I hcldit in my hand. All was ready, and I patiently waited. An hour went by and the moon rose, making it almost as light as day. I could see everything. I had chosen this spot because there was a spring not far from the tree, and the first thing the tiger would look for after lying all day in the jungle would bo a drink of water. If he came there to drink he would be sure to see and hear the calf, and make for it at once.

Between the tree and the spring stood a cluster of low shrubs. Beyond the spring there was ‘ open country, and then the jungle whence I supposed the tiger must come. I had not taken my eyes from it, but though 1 could see even the jackals on the edge of the jungle, there was no tiger. Another hour went by. I was growing sleepy, and seeing no danger I took my gun and went to the spring for a drink. I was slowly walking back to the tree when the struggles of the calf attracted my attention. It was making a most peculiar noise, and a low growl came from the bushes between me and the tree. If blood can run cold, I am sure mine did at that moment. There I stood in an open plain, with just one shot at my command, and a tiger between me and my only refuge. He had evidently been there for some time. He had seen me in the tree, and had been waiting for me to go before he dared to touch the calf. If he was growling now at the calf, preparing for a meal, there was hope for me; but if he was growling at my coming back, it meant that he was ready to spring upon me, and there was not one atom of hope. I did not dare to move. The calf kept up its crying, and the low, ominous purring never ceased. Then each noise grew a little more emphatic, and it was evident that between us two the tiger had decided upon the calf. A little later I saw his huge form stealthily moving about the tree. He was evidently afraid of some trick, and was investigating. I did not move till he made the leap. Then I hurried up behind the bushes, and could see him crouching over the poor calf, drinking its blood. It was impossible for me to reach the tree. Now, if ever, was my chance. One shot must do the work. I aimed at his head and fired. I saw him loose his hold, heard him give one savage yelp, and then, to my horror, saw him turn, gnashing his teeth furiously, and come creeping toward the bushes.

I sank down on my knees to get as much shelter as possible, and waited for what seemed as sure a death as ever faced a man. But the growling subsided into a hoarse breathing. Was the tiger dying? I cautiously rose till 1 could see through the upper branches. Two bright, yellow eyes, like fire-balls, and a sharp growl sent me to my knees again. The tiger is a coward and slow to spring upon what he cannot see. He is naturally patient, also, and for the present I dared not be otherwise than patient. So we waited. The rough ground tortured my knees till I thought I would almost rather die than bear the pain longer. Then the breeze would stir the leaves, and a low growl would convince me that I had better bear it a little longer, after all. It was a long time before I dared risk another look. There was nothing there! I crept from my hidingplace. The calf lay dead beneath the tree. The next moment I saw the tiger, almost half way to the jungle, lying stone-dead upon the ground.

Vain Precautions.

Meringen, the Swiss village which has just been destroyed by fire, met a similar misfortune in 1879. Since that date, a native of the village tells a correspondent, the precautions against fire have been extraordinary. Whenever the wind blew from a dangerous quarter smoking was forbidden, and at dusk, with few exceptions, all fires were ordered out, the village smithy was stilled, the bakery ovens had to be damped down, and the shops would then be besieged with customers anxious to buy what bread they could. The reason for this was the extraordinary destitution to which the inhabitants were reduced after the last fire, and fears are entertained that the consequences may be equally disastrous now.

Good Cause for Divorce.

The divorce contagion has reached Kafflriand. Not long ago a chief involked the assistance of the law to enable him to dispense with a wife on the following grounds of complaints: “Wife talk too much with neighbors; too much paint face and eyebrows; too much snore in sleep; too much loss, and too much no good. ” And yet the Kaffir cannot acquire the success civilization.

Timber Sense.

In selecting strong timber weight has very little consideration. Only a man with experience can cull the good from the bad timber with almost an infallible judgment, and probably without the ability to tell why he makes his selection. Color has little to do with it, weight something, timber sense more.

JACK TAR’S WORK.

H* Has Anythin* but an Kasy Time on Uncle Sain’* Cruisers. If hard work is a preventive of mischief, Jack ought to be as harmless as a lamb, for every hour brings its especial duties. The day begins at five o’clock, when “teveille” is sounded, and the boatswain’s mate passes the word, “Up all hammocks.” The bedding is lashed up and stowed in the netting, and early coffee is served. At three bells—half-past five —the morning work begins. Water from the steam pumps is turned on, and, armed with hickory broom and holy-stone, Jack bends his back and scrubs the deck until it is as white as can be. With sand he removes from the ladders and gratings every particle of dirt. No matter whether they were clean before, they must be scrubbed again. It is part of the routine. Then the decks are flooded

with water from the pumps and every particle of sand washed off. Meanwhile, the quarter-gunners are cleaning up their guns and washing off the paint work of the shields. ' Those working below are cleaning their stations. When this is all finished to the satisfaction of the officers, the men have breakfast. This meal generally comes at half-past seven (seven bells) and is a light one. Jack then hurries to get a smoke before “turn to” is again called. At a quarter past eight “bright work” is sounded and all brass work or unpainted steel must be polished until it shines like a mirror. By nine o’clock everything is polished and in its place. The men are in uniform and ready for morning quarters. Each division is inspected by its senior officer on the quarter deck. The men are mustered to see whether all are present. After quarters comes drill, which continues for about an hour, then “retreat” is

sounded and the men are marched to their stations and dismissed for dinner. Smoking follows this, and until one o’clock beer is served out by the master-at-arms. Bumboat Women are also on board to sell their wares, which consist of pipes, tobacco, thread, writing paper and envelopes, combs and nearly everything else that a sailor needs. At one o’clock smoking is stopped and what work there is to be done begins. Afternoon duties are not usually very hard, there being little besides hauling up boats or overhauling the anchor chains or some such work. On Saturday and Sunday smoking is allowed from dinner time until quarters in the evening and again after that until bedtime, and nothing but absolutely necessary work is done. During Jack’s leisure moments he manages to mend all his clothes. Supper is served about half-past five, and after it, except during quarters, smoking is allowed. Quarters last but a few minutes, the men being mustered and dismissed. All boats which have been in use during the day are hauled up and secured to their davits, and until nine o’clock Jack’3 time is his own. Then tattoo is sounded and the anchor watch for the night mustered. The bugles sound “Goodnight,” the boatswain whistles “pipe down,’’and everything becomes quiet. Only those on duty for the night remain on deck The day is done.

QUEER PUNISHMENTS.

Adulteration by Merchants Was Severely Punished In Queen Mary’s Reign. An examination of the different entries contained in the Machyn diary sheds a strong light on crime and criminal punishment during the reign of Mary, who served the English people from 1553 to 1558. First he mentions a young fellow who was tied to a post “hard by the Standard in Chep” with a collar of iron about his neck and soundly whipped every two hours “tor five days together by two stout men” for the crime of pretending to see visions. Further on we read: “Checken, a parson of St. Nicholas, Cold Harbor, was this day driven about the streets of London in a cart, the parson himself dressed In a yellow gown;” all of this because he had sold his wife to the butcher. Was it only a coincidence that a butcher was one of the parties to this transaction or was it the intention of “the goodly man” to have his better half served up in roasts and troumedeps? As it is now nearly 350 years since “the parson” committed that uncanny crime, it is doubtful if we ever find out she “went to the skillet” cr not. According to other items in Mr c iyn one can readily see that purveyors of provisions were the same kind of mortals then as they are to-day. They were inclined to palm off their base goods as sound, to use their arts to take in the customer, only the punishment inflicted when the fraud was discovered was somewhat more personal and severe than it is now. Machyn says that a butcher of that time who had exposed diseased meat for sale “was forced to ride about the streets of London, his faeje toward the horse’s tail, with half la lamb before and another half behind and beef and veal borne before him on a long pole.” Men who sold spoiled fish were put in the pillory with decayed fish strung about their necks. The entry of March 3, 1557, says: “Seen Thomas, the shoemaker, soundly thrashed at Cheapside to-day for making a high-priced boot of a cheap quality of leather. ”

He Knew Too Much.

In an isolated hospital ward were two patients, one a very nerveous and timid fellow, the other a very sick man. The very sick man died, and the timid fellow lay, trembling with fear, in a bed near by him. To relieve the timid patient of his unattractive companion, a hospital orderly was told to remove the corpse i to the dead-house. The orderly proceeded to obey with alacrity, and, on entering the room, found the two men, one (the corpse) lying on his side, knees drawn up, apparently asleep; the other (the timid chap) stretched out stiffly, with the sheet pulled up over his face. Naturally supposing the one with the sheet spread over him to be the corpsei he proceeded to remove him. The patient, quaking all over with fear, groaned: “Oh, don’t take—don’t take me; I’m not dead.” Whereupon, jthe orderly, in disgust, blurted .out: “What in h—l’s the matter with you? Do you think that you know more than the doctors do?”

HUMOR OF THE WEEK.

STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. , Many 064. Carious, and Laughable Phases of Hniuau Nature Graphically Portrayed by Eminent Word Artists of Our Own Day. No Way Out of It. Briggs—“l hear that Mr. and .Mrs. Bramble missed the steamer to’ Florida because her gown wasn’t dppe. ” Griggs—*What did they do, take the next steamer?” > : Briggs—“ No. They had to pay the dressmaker. ” —Cloak Review. She Knew the Rest. He was getting $6 a week at the ribbon-counter and he had proposed to the girl. She knew his financial condition and rejected him. “There’s nothing in life to me now,” he wailed, “except wormwood and gall.” “Ah,” she replied with a sneer, “may I ask where you get the wormwood?”—Detroit Free Press. A Good Wily to Try Him. Mr. Wood ware—That young fellow you have in your office is the most conceited puppy I ever ran across, i Mr. Queensware—Yes, I know; but you must remember he is young yet and his character is not fully formed. He has never been tried by tire. Wocdware—Then you’d better >flre him.—Good News. I Unexpected Result. “There,” he said fondly, “just to show you how much I thought of you I took your picture with my new instantaneous camera. Here it is.” “DfY yah ihink’it'looks like ffie?” she inqfth'cel, almost tearfully, “Why— er—yes, qf course.” >• ■ “Then all is over. I' can not be yours. It must be my money and not inyVlf that yofi seek/’—New York Sun. ,'! > ~ v s t ; An Important Uem. f Alienist—l she nothing in the patient'to denote., insanity. a Inquirer—You’re stfre ’’of that, are you, Doctor? I’m particular about tfiis filing; ,jou know, because she is my wife. ‘ important, though even that may indicate only temporary aberration.—

A’sktuifc'Cvu Mtfiih. 1 Tj6kM£?Nf*sliKyou ftWffifcfcuy a ticket'tb the feoficert to-th(bi t row-&ight. it is;toJW.« benefit for MrUScrMober; k Witikljes—JusfiTosjgSfte wife? Well, bow many benefits; Jfoes ha' want. Boston Courier. r: ■3 —"T-t ./iv : i < , HU Reputa ion. A seedy-looking. citizen passed by an office window on Woodward avenue where a. pouple of men . were looking out. . [Y “Isn’t that. Bill Smith?” inquired one of them, evidently not a resident. 1 “Yes. He used to be quite a politician when you were here, but his reputation is completely lost now.” “Is that so? Well, if it was anything like it was when I knew him 1 I should think it would have made a j good deal better man of him to have ; 16st it.'*—Detroit Free'Pres®. '■ ■ ’ % r * WV? What Next? 1 “Adolph has proposed, papa, ” she told har fathej. ; “Hedias, ” commented thepldirran. “And fte’s now anxious to Wed)'ls he? Well, well. First he studied painting, then he tried to build airships; next they put him in an insane asylum and at present he wants to marry you. ” —Exchange. Her Selection. Mrs. De Fine—“ Here’s my new bonnet. Isn’t it a darling. Only $28.” Mr. De Fine—“ Great snakes! You said bonnets could he bought at from $3 up.” Mrs. De Fine—“ Yes, dear. This is one of the ‘ups.’” New York Weekly. A Frivolous Sot. “These firemen must be a frivolous set,” said Mrs. Spillikins, who was reading a paper. “Why so?” “I read in the paper that after the fire was under control th<’ firemen played all night on the ruins. Why didn’t they go home and go to bed like sensible men, instead of romping about like children?”—Scraps. * A New Boarder. Jinks—That fellow Sillipate is the most foolish, inexcusable fool I ever saw. Winks—What has he been doing to you? Jinks —A few days ago some one invited him to dinner at our board-ing-house. Well, sir, that idiot just praised every dish on the table, and complimented the landlady on her cooking until she raised ber : ,term3 $2 a week.—Scraps. o A Brother’s Part. Sweet Girl—George, although I refused to marry you, I promised to be a sisfM to you, you know. Geofge (gloomily)—Y-e-®. “Anfl you know you said 1 might, and you said you’d be a brother to me.” , “Did I?” “Yes, f’m sure you, said something like that/’ .“WelCril try.” * “That’s real good of you. Can you spare a little time for me now?” “A life time if you ask it. ” “No, only a few hours.” “Cerfelflly. What is it you want?" “That hooked-nosed old lady over there with green goggles, is my chaperon. I wish £du’d take her off and flirt with her this evening, so I can have a little chat with Mr. Hansom.” New York Weekly.

Expert Spanish Smokers.

The /Spaniards are the most expert smokers in the world. A Spaniard takes a heavy pull at his cigarette, inhales it, takes up a wine skin or wine bottle, pours a half pint down his throat, holding the vessel a foot from his mouth and not spilling a drop, and then with a sigh of satisfaction closes his eyes and exhales the smoke from his nose and mcvth in clouds. He will also inhale the smoke, converse for a few minutes in natural manner, and then blow out the smoke-