Democratic Sentinel, Volume 15, Number 50, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 1 January 1892 — HUMOR OF THE WEEK. [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

HUMOR OF THE WEEK.

STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Many Odd, Curious, and Laughable Phases of Human Nature Graphically Portrayed by Eminent Word Artists ol Our Own Day. Where Dullness Is Profitable. “How are things in your business?” “Dull, I’m glad to report.” “Glad to report?” “Yes, I’m a saw-sharpener.”—Kate Field’s Washington. A New Way to Pay Old Debts. Judge—ls you wish to establish your innocence you will have to prove an alibi. Prisoner— Sure, that’s aisy. I can prove a He by Mike Murphy, who owes me $lO, although it’s afther swearing to tell the truth I am, but if it’s a lie your honor wants, ye shall have it.—Brooklyn Eagle. The Moan Tiling. , Miss Clamwhopper, who wears false tresses, but imagines nobody knows it, calls on her friend, Miss Snobberly. Miss S.—Has Dobinsky finished your portrait? Miss C.—l’ll have to give him another sitting, so he can get the right color of my hair. Miss S.—ls that’s all,’ why don’t you send it to him by a servant?— Texas Siftings. Must Watch the Weather. In a New York restaurant. Customer (to waiter) —Here, this check’s wrong. Waiter—What’s the matter with it? “Why, I have had bacon and eggs and you charge me 75 cents, when the bill of fare says 25 cents.” “You are quite right, sir, but you had two glasses of water at 25 cents each. If you want water at a lower rate come around immediately after a rain-storm. ” —4rkan Jaw Traveler. Look Out for Number One. “So you gave your sister a beautiful birthday present, did you, Tommy?” “Yes’m, I always give Susie a present on her birthday ’cause mine comes a week after hers.”—Yankee Blade. ,v <• r.r. A First Class Kicker.

—Life. “Two Souls,” Etc. “How did you ever come to marry, old man? Thought you’d determined to stay single?” “I had; but I was introduced one day to a girl who had determined never to marry, and our thoughts seemed to harmonize so completely that—well, we married each other.” —Puck. A Potent Medicine. The Doctor —Are you aware that balsam of fir possesses rare properties as a medicine? The Head of the Family—l do. I can recall instances where a sealskin sacque soothed a tremendous irritation in my family. There’s nothing like a balsam of fur.—Pittsburg Bulletin. The Term AVas Misleading. Grandma Gowkitt—Robert, what’s a sweep smelter? Robert (just home from college)— A man who buys the sweeping from jewelers’ shops for the gold in them. “Laws-a-me! Can he smell the gold?” —Jeweler’s Weekly. Fitting Advice. Bard—l have a poem here on “power,” and I don’t know just where to place it. What would you advise me to do with it? -* ' Pard—Get it in one of the magazines, of course.—Yonkers Gazette. Knew His Man. Genius The world is in league against me. Friend —Look here, old man, if a quarter will do you any good you can have it; but that’s all I’ve got.—St. Joseph News. Well, He Could Cure it Cheap* Newspaper Manager—Why, what’s the matter with our advertising rates? Patent Medicine Man—They give me that tired feeling.—Somerville Journal. i WiU Telegraph. A telegram, something after the following form, may soon be sent from Chicago: “J. H. So-and-so. Your son has just fallen, from the top story of the Masonic Temple. Will telegraph result as soon as he gets down.”—Arkansaw Traveler.