Democratic Sentinel, Volume 15, Number 44, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 20 November 1891 — HUMOR OF THE WEEK. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR OF THE WEEK.

STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Minjr Odd, Curious, and Langhabl. Phases of Homan Nature Graphically Portrayed by Eminent Word Artists ol Our Own Day. Bound to Got It Somehow. Famished Fogarty Please, sir, jimme a dime ter get somet’ing to eat? I ain’t had nothin’ fer two lays. Phil Anthropist—What do you want to eat for? Why don’t you tie i strap around your waist and tighten it up every once in a while? It’s just is good as eating. Famished Fogarty—All right, den. ,Gimme-a dime ter git a strap wid, will yer?—Boston News. Too Much GUp. Sidewalk Caterer—How do you like these oysters? Country Station Agent—Mighty slick! But say, haven’t you got any “way” oyster? “Way oysters?” “Yes. These are too much “express” for me. I think I’d prefer the kind that’d slow up at the palate a minute, so I could kinder get acquainted with ’em ’fore they glip down the flue.”—Boston Courier. She Was Not a “Supe.” Wishlets—l met a young lady yesterday who said our acting was positively indecorous. Miss Burr Lesque—ln the chorus? What a rank falsehood 1 Why, it’s six months since I’ve sung in the horus. Why, oh, why, do people tell such lies?—Brooklyn Eagle. He Knew Him. Stranger—l’d like a room on the second floor. Hotel Clerk—l can give you one oh the third. “But that’s another story. ” “Front! Take Mr. Kipling’s valise up to 86.” —Harvard Lampoon. How It Happened. Mrs. Childers—Jimmy, I’m astonished! To think of your using profanity before your little brother! And right in the room, too, where the parrot vtfas! Don’t you know if he hears you say such things he will learn them too? Jimmy—Pleasb, ma, I—l learned them from him!—Boston News. He Knew HU Sister. Little Dick—“ls this the house you and sis is to live in when you is married?” Mr. Nicefello—“Yes, my boy. What doijrou think of it?” H’Taint half big enough.” “Ypur sister, myself, and a servant, the family, as a rule. I am sure there is plenty of room for us: and spare rooms for relatives.” ryes, plenty for the family, bat the family don’t count. What you want is strangers, all the tijqe, too.” “Ha, ha! Why should I want to entertain strangers, my boy? I am not going to keep a hotel. ” “’Cause sis will always be real kind and. polite to you when strangers is about.”—Street & Smith’s Good News.

Cause Sufficient. The Officer—Your honor, I found this man wandering the streets- at three (/clock this morning. He was raving crazy, and I ran him in. His Honor—Young man, what have you to say for yourself? The Prisoner (feebly)—l had spent twelve hours reading the manuscripts of Christmas stories and poems for the paper with which I am connected. —Pittsburg Bulletin. Practice Makes Perfect. Beacon Prymme—l don’t like our new minister. He confines r him6elf too- closely to bis notes. Elder Slymme—That’s a bad sign, for it shows that he does not practice what he preaches.—Brooklyn Eagle. A Kjiowin g Bog;. Clara—Towser knew when you were coming. He recognized your name when we called it. Tommy (breaking in) —Yes, we said, “Here comes that Mler that’s goin’ to’ get left on Clara, and he wagged’ §is-tail.” —Yankee Blade. Undeceived. Farmer Gloseflst—l see you advert tise nickel watehes. Are they worth much? Jeweler—l can sell you one of the best for SIOO. Farmer Closeflst (restoring a 5-cenb piece lib hfis pocket)—Great Scott!— Jeweler’s Weekly. a Failure. Jessie —“Harry, do you regard marriage as a failure?” Harry—“No* I’m told it is more like a mutual l benefit association.” “That must be nice.”' “Yes, it iet you put in every dollar you earn, and never get back a blamed cent l”:—Smith, Gray & Co.’s Monthly. Two Opinions. Tarlor—One of your shoulders iahigher than the other. Customer—Ybu are mistaken, sir; one of them is Ibwer than the other. —Yankee Blade. Pot and Kettle. Two old friends meet after a separation of many years. “Time flies,” says one, “but after all, you are not so bald as I expected to find you.” v , . “Bald! I should say not. Look in the glass yourself. I’ve more hair than you havp. ” “More hair than I have! yipt’s absurd, perfectly absurd! Let’s'count ’em!” —Epoph.