Democratic Sentinel, Volume 15, Number 41, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 30 October 1891 — HUMOR OF THE WEEK. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR OF THE WEEK.

STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. SI any Odd, Carious, and Laughable Phases of Hamaa Nature Graphically Portrayed by Eminent Word Artists of Our Own Day. Safer Than Any Safe. WishletS—These summer resorts are so full of all kinds of crooks, that for fear of being robbed, I always leave my money in the hotel safe. Bishlets—l have a much better plan. “What is it?” “My wife carries the boodle in her dress pocket. ” —Brooklyn Eagle. “An Early Bird,” Etc. She (hew to rural life) —So that is an apple tree? He—Yes. “Why doesn’t it blossom?” “It’s a trifle late for it to blossom. ” “Well, let’s get up early to-morrow morning and see it blossom then. ” New York Herald. How to Treat Drowned Men. Little George Washington Oh, pappy, I’se done learned a powerful lot in ma school to-day. I’se learned what to do wiv a drowned man when you find him in de water. The Old Man—G’way, chile! “Yes, I did, pappy! Did you ever find a drowned man?” “Cou’se, yes; lots ob dem!” “Den what did you do de berry fust t’ing?7 “Me? Oh, I jes l go frough deir pockets to see if dey hab anyt’ing wuss takin’.” —Boston News. ,An Expensive Diet. Mrsy CanbyHph, Titus, tm* baby has swallowed a hairpin!” Mr. Canby—'fhat’s it; |ust as I expected. Now, yott’ll want money to buy some more. It’s nothing but money, money, money, in this house the whol.qjplessed time. I’ll bet that baby ftas more than SSO worth of hairpins ih the last three months. Now, madam, this thing has got tb* stop a right hars-4-either that baby will quit eating hairpins and come down to common grub like the rest of us, or I’ll know th'e reason why—you understand?—Epoch. k J i ,.} Kls Natural Stopping Places. “Where did you spend your vacation, Lakteel?” “I made a tour of the watering places, Bangle.” “O, yes, of course! I forgot for the moment that you were a milkman.” —Pittsburg Chronicle. A Solution at Any Cost. Giddings—Did they catch the fellow that tried to piejer Mrs. Waight’s pocket yesterday? Rawley No; but he gave himself up. “What did he do that for?” “To force her to testify whether she had a pocket or not.”—Puck. Goodness Its Own Reward. Mrs. Ponsonby—Why, my dear, what has become of all the jewelry you used to wear so much? Mrs. Popinjay—l have given them up to save the heathens. “How good of you?” “Yes, but I will get my reward. Harold will buy me a new set of the latest style. ” —The Jewelers’ Circular. A Groundless Complaint. Grieved Guest You advertised fresh fruit every day; and I’ve been here two weeks and I have not seen a single piece. Shrewd Host—You haven’t! Well, what’s the matter with them tomatoes right there in front of you? “Well, tomatoes and fruit are two very different things. ” “They be, be they? Well the next time you lay out to pass the summer in a family of culture, you’d better put a little botany into you.”—Boston Courier. Highly Accomplished. Miss Breeze, of Chicago—How did you like my gentleman friend from St. Louis? Miss Wabash, of ditto—Oh, wan’t he nice? I love to watch him eat. Miss Breeze—Yes, he carries his knife to his mouth so graceful.— Boston Courier. A Rose with the Thorn. Griffin —Then there is no hope for me, Miss Julia? Miss Julia—None, Mr. Griffin, I’m afraid, but I’ll be a sister to you. Griffin—That’ll do nicely. We’ll mention it to your father that I’m your brother now, and then, perhaps, he’ll treat me a little more civilly.— Drake’s Magazine.