Democratic Sentinel, Volume 15, Number 28, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 31 July 1891 — HUMOR. [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

HUMOR.

Hl* Time Wa« Money. The bill of fare was printed in • mixture of English and mongrel French. “Waiter,” he said, after glancing ever it, “want to make half a dollar ?* “Sutt’nly, sah,” answered the waiter. “Is there a good dinner on thia bill of fare without goiDg outside of the straight United States language ?” - “I reckon so, sah.” “Then bring it on. Here’s your hush-money. I’m no linguist, ana my time is worth $lO an hour. Oct a move on you!” A Difference. I saw a sign yesterday: “Weather Strips and Screens.” This shows that weather has more modesty than sbme of our society women. They don’t screen.— Free Press. Two Prison Dinner's. Prison warden—The dinner ordered from Delmonico’s has come.' Take it to the prisoner who killed a man. Assistant—All right. Who is this bread and water for? Warden—That’s for the man whd stole a ham.— New York Weekly. Won’t Go 'Flu She Has To. “After being at the Paris Exposition ,T don’t suppose you wiU care to go to the next World’s Fair, Miss Jurueigh ?” “Well, no. Even if I was sure there would be a fair in the next world I am in no special hurry to go there.” It Was True. “The same old jokes,” snarled the landlady as 6he overheard the new boarder discussing the spring lamb. “They’ve one thing in their favor,” answered tty* boarder. • “What’s fhSt?’-snapped the landlady,''- * ■ l * . * “They are not *as. old.as the lamb,” •was the cruel jUMswer. No* a Spendthrift. “My young friend, I am sorry to note that you are f&Uing into a habit of pro; sanity.” “H’mh! Yon use some pretty strong language yourself, occasionally.” “So I do,” replied the old man, “but I don’t waste it.”

The Law’s Majesty in Arizona. They are not very rigid as to court formalities down on the Rattlesnake Lode in Arizona. “I don’t see the prisoner,” said the County Judge, as he walked up preparatory to sentencing a culprit. “Where is he?” “I’m blessed if I know,* said the Sheriff, looking under the benches. “Just lent him my paper of fine-out, too.” “Was he a big red-headed man, with « scar on his cheek ?” asked the foreman, who was playing stud-horse poker • with the rest of the jury. “That’s the cuss,” said the clerk, who had been betting on a horse-race with the Prosecuting Attorney. “Why, then,” said the foreman, “he asked me to go out and take a drink about an hour ago, but I showed him I had three sixes, and he said, ‘ Well, next time, then,” and walked out. “The thunder you say!” roared his Honor. “However he’s sure to be in town next week to see the dog-fight, and some of you ' must remind the Sheriff to shoot Mm cm sight. The docket is just jammed full of horsestealing cases, and there’s no time to waste over a tmeasly homicider. Next case.” —San Francisco News Letter.

Live and Learn. City Child (in the country)—Oh, mamma, see thosl pretty spotted chickens. I shouldn’t think people would want to kill such pretty chickens. Mamma—Probably they are kept to lay eggs. City Child—Of tourse. They must be the kind that lay Easter eggs.— Street & Smith's Good News. Got Through Charging. South American General (to his soldiers) —Now, my brave men, charge once more! Victory will be ours, and your country will owe you an everlasting debt. Soldiers—That’s what it’s, owing us now. We won’t charge any more until we are paid what’s already due us. Wouldn't Sear Quotation. “What an original fellow your brother is. Miss Amy. You should have heard his remarks this morning when the big conductor stepped on his corn.* “What did he say, Mr?JJamj>le-?" “O, as I said, they wefre original; so I can't quote them.” Ttt* Amende Honorable. Aunty (to whom the game of baseball has beep explained)—l do not quite understand it, yet. Little Boy—Why, aunty, it’s as plain as the nose ou your face. ■ Aunty {who has rather a large nose) —You Should not use such expressions, my deari ' '” 1 ‘ • • Little Boy (hastily correcting himself; —I mean, aunty, ith as plain as a pikestaff. Street & .Smith's Good News. \ !

A short study in evolution.— Life.