Democratic Sentinel, Volume 15, Number 20, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 5 June 1891 — HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR.

Arranging for a Speedy Trip. Lecturer (to hackm&n) —Now you’re Bure your horses are in good condition? Hackman—Oh, yes, sir! Trust me for that. “It’s only proper for von to 4cnow that when I get through r my lecture I like to leave the hall in a hurry.” “What time shall I expect you, sir?” “Urn; ah—well—that will depend a good deal on the audience.”— Texas Siftings. Yankee Ingenuity. Spindle—Why do yon put such horribly perfumed stuff on your hair? It’s enough to knock any one over. Brindle—To keep from catching cold. “Huh! What good does that stuff do ?” “It has become the style now for gentlemen to remove their hats in all sorts of draughty places when there happen to be ladie3 present; but when I take off mine they always beg me to put it on again, so as not to take cold.” “Hum! How much is it a bottle? ” Street & Smith's Good News. Double Weight. Bullfinch—l asked for a pound of dried apples. Grocer—l know it. Bulfinch—-" Well, I don’t believe there’s a quarter of a pound here. Grocer—You don’t seem to understand about dried apples. When you come to put t hose in the water you will find I have given you double weight. Ketribution. Plumber—You’re one of those chaps that are always writing smart things about the size of plumbers’ bills, ain’t you? Squibbler—Why, I Plumber—l thought so. The bill for this job, sir, will be $324.65. Will Be Decided Eater. Mr. Maesnitor (to the fair one's sister)—“And how old are you, Flossie?” Flossie —“Oh, that hasn’t been decided yet.” “Not decided yet ?” “No; ma says itTI be time enough when Kate has landed you.”— Wave. Too Inquisitive. Wif®—“Such a dream as I had last night, dear!” Husband)—“May I hear about it ?" “Well—yes. I dreamed that I was in a great establishment where they sold husbands. There were beauties—some in glass cases and marked at fearful prices, and others were sold' at less figures. Girls were paying out fortunes and getting the handsomest men I ever saw. It was wonderful.” “Did you see anv like me there, dear?” “Yes. Just as I was leaving I saw a whole lot like you, lying on. the remnant counter.”— Pittsburg Bulletin.

That’s Different. Irene (taking a walk with her friend) —Laura, look! Who is that handsome gentleman on the other side of the street ? Miss Kajones (looking straight ahead)—l wouldn’t turn my head on the street to see the handsomest gentleman that ever drew breath. Aon ought to have more dignity. (A minute or two later, having met and passed an acquaintance)—Doesn’t Mollie Glizzard’s cloak fit horribly in the hack ? He Would Have Watered It. “That ain’t Jay Gould,” said a rawboned Kentuckian the other day as he saw the magnate through the car window at a small station siding. “’Tis, too,” contended his wife. “ ’Tain’t nuther, I tell von,” persisted the man, “caze I seen him take a drink of straight liquor.” “What’s that got to do with it?” argued the wornan. “Everything. Est ed been Jay Gould, he’d a put water in it, shore. I’ve read all about the kind of a man Jay Gould is.” And he strutted up and down the platform like a rooster iu a stable lot.— lndianapolis Journal. Shu Wasn't Particular. An old lady in Belleville was-dyiDg of a lingering illness, and her pastor called upon her to administer religious consolation. After some general conversation the minister brought forth his Bible, and, suggesting that she might feel consoled by hearing a chapter read, asked her what part she would prefer. “Well. I don’t much care,” was the reply, “but that story about Samson setting fire to the foxes” tails- is about as funny as any.”— Albany Argus. Unfaslilo able Canines Mrs, De- Style—Have you any fashionable dogs? Honest dealer—l ana sorry to sav I sold the last about an hour ago. Mrs. De Style—You appear to have hundreds of beautiful dogs of all sorts and kinds left. Are none of them fashionable? Deal®*'—No, madam. All of these are good' for something.— Street <£- Smith’s Good News. APi »l>lem i m Addition. Miss Apabrosia Passee (gigglingly) Do you. know I reached mv birthday to-day? Well, now, how old do you think I am ? Mr. Dillidallv (gallantly)— Seventeen and a bit. Mr. Sillibilly—About twenty-three. Miss A. Passee—And, Mr. Haysede, what do you think ? Mr. Haysede—Wal, takin* it- all t’gether I guess the gentlemen is right. Did Not Know It Revolved.. Mrs. Hayseed—Say, Joshua, what’s that light out there ? Farmer Hayseed (at Boston)—That’s the Boston light. Mrs. Hayseed—Wall, those sailors must be purty patient. I’ve seed it go out more’n twenty times, and they light up agin ev’ry time. Lanced the Dictor. Crump —Doctor, I thought you gentlemen of pills and powders had given up the practice of bleeding patients. Dr. Senna —So we have. Crump—l thought there must be some mistake u> your bill. Of course you will correct it.