Democratic Sentinel, Volume 15, Number 10, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 27 March 1891 — HUMOR. [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

HUMOR.

Mis Highest Ambition. Visitor—Are you going to be a great man when.you grow up, Willie? Willie—You bet! I’m going to be an Artio explorer. “An Artie explorer’s life is full of hardships,’Willie.” “Yes’m. But I can stand’em, I reckon.” “I like your spirit, my boy. There is a great deal of glory to be gained in a career of that kind.”* “Yes’ut. And you don’t never have to wash your face.”

B* Protests. “Prisoner,” said the Judge, “it is my duty to say that I approve of the verdict the jury has rendered. The crime you committed was one of unusual atrocity. With murder in your cowardly, treacherous heart, you stole up behind your victim and stabbed him in the back. You gave him no chance to defend himself. It was the act of an assassin. You have shown that you have an abandoned, malignant heart, destitute of any. redeeming qualities whatever. You are capable of • any crime.” “That isn’t fair, Judge,” protested the Arizona cowboy, an indignant flush dyeing his bronzed cheek. “I never stole a horse, ” Meddlesome Ho el Attaches. Great actress (to hotel clerk) —I left my diamond necklace on the bureau in my room, and now it’s gone. Send word to the police immediately, and—ind the newspapers. Hotel clerk—One of the servants saw your necklace there and brought it to me. It is in the safe. Great actress (hotly)—l—l wish people would attend to their own business. So there! —Brooklyn Life.

Conclusive Proof. Office boy—There was a man in to see you to-day. Neverpay—Who was he? Office boy—l don’t know, sir. Neverpay—Well, say, Johnny, do you think he was anybody I owe ? Office boy—Oh, no, sir; he’s never been here before. It Made Her Unhappy. • Astonished mother What means this? You say you have accepted Mr. Slimpurse, and yet you have assured me over and over again that every time he called you were unhappy. Smart daughter—l was unhappy because he didn’t propose.— Good News. Astonishing Progress. Aunt Miranda (to little city nephew) —l’m glad you go to school regularly in the city. What d’ye study ? Little Nephew—Oh, every grade has a s different set of text-books. Aunt Miranda—Land sakes! The way things is goin’! Can’t folks find texts enough in the Bible now’days?— Street & Smith’s Good News. How He Could Be Cheered Up.

Inebriated Friend— l shay, ol’ ( hie) boy, don’t leave me. I’m (hie) meloncholly—cheer me up—ash me to (hie) take sh’n’ drink.

They Were Icy. Tongs—Better make a contract for your ice now. Open season, you know. Prices may go higher. Sour—No contract for me. Don’t want any ice. Tongs—What will you do when the hot weather sets in ? Sour—Hang your last year’s rates in my refrigerator. Innocence and Law. Warden—A dying burglar has confessed that he committed the murder for which you were sentenced, and as it was a clear case of mistaken identity, the Governor has granted you a pardon. Innocent Man—A pardon 1 What am t pardoned for ? Warden—For committing the murder. of court*. Go; but don’t do it again.— New York Weekly; 7 A Slight Mistake. i ( A fond father, blessed with eleven children and a very domestic man, tells tjbiis story: One business being very dull, he took the early train back to his happy home, and after a time slipped upstairs to help put the children to bed. Being missed soon, his wife went up to see what was going on. Upon opening the nursery door she exclaimed: “Whv, dear, what in the world are veu doing?” = “Why. wiffey,” said he, “I am putting the children to bed and hearing them sav their little prayers.” “Yes,” said wifey, “but this is one of our neighbor’s children, all undressed !* And he had to redress it and send it home.— London Moonshine.

A new application of the phonograph; or, a sure mode of awakening Bridget. —Judge.