Democratic Sentinel, Volume 15, Number 8, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 13 March 1891 — HUMOR. [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

HUMOR.

H« Told tbo Troth. President Board Of Police Cornmiseiouers.—Weare 6orry to say, Q’Hoo'ahan, that von aie discharged from the foroe. G'Hoolahan—An’ fer wphat cause, yer honor ? President—A jewelry store was burglarized in your district'last night. Hid you meet any one on your beat last night? O’Hool&han—Yis, your honor. I met a man an’ he said, said he, he vrus going to open a jewelry sture. President—He did open a jewelry store »nd stole *5,000 worth of goods. O’Hoolahan—The man may have been a thafe, but he wus no liar.—Jewelers’ Circular. Not a Mlsnouier. At a restaurant. Puffer—What do you think of this dessert ? Stuffer—What do you call it? Puffer—A Charlotte Russe. Staffer—Well, Charlotte knew her business when she named it; in my experience I never encountered a flimsier ruse for making a man believe he’d Had something to eat.

It Looked Like One. but Wag Not. Alice (in Henry Stanley’s library) Oh, Mr. Stanley, what a queer necklace that is over your mantel! How unique! Where did you find it ? Henry Stanley (quietly)—That’s a petticoat that a belle in Umji Jimji wore at Queen Oudu Hehe’s reception. Preparations for the Spring. First Boston niaiden—Oh, mamma and I have been awfully busy to day. Second Boston maiden—Ho say! And what has made you so busy? First Boston maiden—We have been getting out and cleaning our spring spectacles. 8« ience and Prices. Schoolboy— The teacher said that if there was only one potato left in the world, and that was planted, the total product in ten years would be over 10,000,000,000. Father (angrily)—Then how is it I’m paying 30 cents a peck for ’em this very day?— New York Weekly. The Barber's Elixir. A man who appeared to be at least 65 years old, and was lame and gray and almost toothless, entered a Michigan avenue barber shop she other day and said: “Guess I’ll kinder slick up a little or the spring campaign. Guess you may shave me.” “See here,” said the barber as he got seated in the chair, “let me go ahead and fix you up just as if you were going to get married to-night. ” “Say! Hid anybody tell ye?” whispered the old man. “No, not exactly.” “But you tumbled ?” “Yes. “Kinder give myself away by acting so colty, eh?” “That’s it.” “Well, it’s coming off to-night, and I suppose I orter fix up a leetle. How bid would you judge I am ?” “Well, you see, you have sort o’gone to seed by neglecting your appearance. I can fix you so you won’t look a day older than—than 50.” “You kin ! How much ?” “Well, shaviDg, hair cutting and dyeing will cost you a dollar and a half.” “Go in! Put on a little extra dye and call it $2! Guess Ido look purty old in the face, but you fix me up

there and I’ll throw away this cane, rub up my legs with liniment, and fur the next week I’ll jump on a street car without its stopping or break my back trying l”—Free Press. Very Expressive. Nabor—How are matters around to your church now, Parson Limberlip? Parson L.—Mighty active, sah! Mighty active! Nabor—Things are flourishing with yon, eh? Parson L.—Fl’urishin’? Yo’ struck onter der ve’y word! Es yo’d been yo’sel’ ter de ’sistovy meetin’ las’ night an' see de razors in de ’ar yo’ couldn' ’spress yo’sel’ mo’ plum’ wid de sittervation. It Didn't Take Much to Peel Good.

Widow Hardfare (landlady)—My husband used to say, poor man, that he always felt better for it if he got up from the table just a little bit hungry. Sarcastic Boarder (.only a week behind with his board and consequently independent)—l B’poae, Mrs. Hardfare, that your husband felt good pretty much all the time ' . ,