Democratic Sentinel, Volume 14, Number 48, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 19 December 1890 — WIT AND HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

WIT AND HUMOR.

CittM of Action. “Yon ought to have that fellow io front of your store arrested." “Why?” “Why? Don't you see he’s painting your name in big black letters ?” “I’na paying him for that.” “Yes; but he’s blackening your name just the same." Her Notions of Grammar. Miss de Hub—And those dear little squirrels that sported under the hedge last summer, where are they now ? Miss Rustic—Oh, they’re holed up for the winter. Miss de Hub—Ugh! My dear, your notions of grammar make me shiver. I presume you mean held up. A Purchase for Mot-er. Mother—Are you going out, my dear? Daughter—Yes, ma; the Physical Improvement riociety meets this afternoon. Mother—Well, I wish you would stop in somewhere and' buy me a broom. ' Hou ted the Enemy. ; Maud—What a dear, good chaperon you are. But how did you manage to get my rival out of the' room jdst at that critical moment? Chaperon—l whispered to her in a kind, confidential tone, that there was a rip in the back of her black silk waist. . Excusable Profanity. Managing Editor—William, go into the next room and see who is swearing. Buch language cannot be used in this office. '' _ William—Please, sir, it’s Mr. Jones. He filled his fountain pen with mucilage by mistake,.sir. Injudicious Praise. “We gave you a good notice in our paper.” ’’Oh, did you? Well,, don’t do it again. I don’t mind your saying our vegetables are delicious and the milk pure, but when you add that our butter speaks Jan.- itself, we object.” A Consummation to Be Desire:L In the newspaper office: Competitor Damner—When I determine to settle down, I will seek out an armless woman. Circulation Swearer —That’ll be pleasant.. C. D.—Mightn’t be so pleasant, but it will save me the engagement ring. Be Fashionable or Dio. Huggle—Weddirg rings for men are corning into fashion again. Kissem—They are ? Then I’ll break off my engagement -with Alice Scott. Huggle—Wouldn’t you wear oue? Kisseni-rQh, yes; but I can’t afford to buy two wedding rings. The Terrors of Bankruptcy. First Merchant—Met Snodgrass last evening entering Delmonico’s. He was dressed in the height of fashion, and a large and juicy cigar was between his lips. Second Merchant —Snodgrass? Oh, yes; he failed two months ago, and is trying to settle at ten cents. Learning the Business. Dealer—Tat happen to dis hat? Small Son—l was snappin’ id wifmy viogers, like you do, to show a gustomer vat goot stuff it vas, and it proke. Dealer—Mine coodness! You haven’*t prains enough to zell beanuts. Ven you shnap a hat to show it can’t be proke, you must keep vun hand inside, so id uod break. The Wily Georgia Editor. “We are going to start a paper in this town,” writes a Georgia editor, “aid we hereby put in our application fo.' shurch metnbrship and ask the prayers of the brethren for our success. A collection will be taken up after the service.” 'three; Minutes to Spare. Old TAdy (in railway train) —Con-, ductor! How soon does this train start? Conductor—lt starts in three minutes, madam. Old Lady—Well, I don’t travel very much, and of course. I got a little confused with all the hurry and bustle, aud so many things to think of, and I don’t know how I’d got along at all today if it hadn’t been for my darter, who is married and livin’ here, but she thought of everything, she’s got a wonderful i, memory, Sarah has, her nf 4$ is' Sfaryh, tbiift knbfr, and she helpqd me' bring all my Bundles to the depot/aud She [put. them in my arms just before <L>came;through the gate; but she forgot my spectacles, which I put In'her pocket, and I want to know if there’ll be time for me to run back and hunt her >up and get them. How much time- would I have? « Cqodnctor-j-rThree seconds. All aboard! All.light.! Go,ahead! Old Lady—Did ydu say for me to go ojieftd! ', 1 •';- •»’ . Conductor—We’i© ofL'inadam. Take your seat. -' dL .ft « ; Old Lady (to herself) The idea of starting off a train three minutes ahead of time! I’ll report that conductor.