Democratic Sentinel, Volume 14, Number 43, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 21 November 1890 — WIT AND WISDOM. [ARTICLE]

WIT AND WISDOM.

Ease may be nothing but the guinea stamp, but “stamps” count for considerable nowadayn, Sunday School teacher Now, Johnny, tell me who was Adam’s wife? Scholar—Mrs. Adam, miss. “Commuter tells me he has named all his hens Macduff.” “How asinine! Cut why ?” “In hopes that they’ll ’lay “I wonder if George Washington liked to go fishing?” “Guess he never went?” “Why do you think so?” “He never told a lie, you know.” Contributor—l have an article here concerning the benefits of advertising, which I Editor (eagerly)—Yes, air, we’ll examine it with pleasure. Edith (twelve years old)-—Ne lie. dear, how can a girl find out a young man’s real worth? Nelly (engaged) Oh, at any commercial agency. Carrie—Do you believe it is more blessed to give than to receive? Harry (quickly kissing her)—l don’t know. I should like to try both before I make up my mind. Sweet girl—ls it’s just the same, Mr. Mashuer, you needn’t trouble yourself to call any more. Mashuer (earnestly ) —Oh, thanks; it’s no trouble at all—l like to call. Excited citizen—Officer! officer! A man has just jumped off of that pier. Policeman (who can’t swim)—Well, there ain’t no law agin bathin’ with clothes on, is there? Old Million—My dear Miss Youngthing, if you’d only marry me I could die happy. Miss Youngthiog—Why, Mr. Million, if you were dying I’d marry you in a minute. .Bloodgood—Well, how did your bet with Miss Southmayd come out ? Travis —lt resulted in a tie. Bloodgood— Why, how could that be ? A silk tie for me, don’tcher know. .Judge—And you say the prisoner came up and assaulted you with malice aforethought? Witness—No, sah; he didn’t use no sech implement as dat. He jes’ hit me wider club, sah. Lady (to tramp)—Poor man; I suppose that in your hard life you meet with a great many stumbling blocks? Tramp—Yes, madam, but the chopping blocks are what I most dread. At the seashore: Maddox Look here, Simeral, don’t you know it is dangerous to go into the water after a hearty meal ? Simeral—l’m not going in after a meal. It’s a bath I’m after. The difference between the “beehive” in the city and the beehive in the farmer’s back orchard is that in the former they sell almost everything, while in the latter they cell nothing but honey. Deacon Smith—l trust that you believe in eternity? Bass (who is having some repairs done at his house)—Oh, certainly! There must be, else how could that plumber ever get his work finished ?” Young man—Do you buy duplicate wedding presents? Dealer—Yes. sir, that’s my business. Young man—Well, I’ve got a couple of sixty-day notes made by my wife’s father that i’d like to dispose of. “Do you realize, young man,” said the parson to an unconverted sinner, “when you retire to rest at night that you may be called before dawn ?” “Why, of course I do,” responded the sinner. “I’m the father of a three-weeks-old baby.” Blinks (tit the ferry)—Hello, Jinks, where you been? Jinks—Been spending a couple of weeks in the country. Got board on a farm for eight dollars a week. Blinks—You don’t say so. How do you feel ? Jinks—Hungry as a bear. The little rascal got spanked for hanging his cap up on the floor. “There,” said the mother, “now do you know where to put your cap?” “I know where I wish I had put it,” answered the hopeful, as he rubbed himself. She—l could have married either Whipper or Snapper if I’d wanted to, and both of those men have since got rich, while you are still as poor as a church mouse. He—Of cour.-e. I’ve been supporting you all these years. They haven’t.

Visitor—Didn’t that motto read “Never Say Die’when you got it?” Mrs. Barowski—Yes, but when Ivanovitch joined the Anarchists he insisted upon my substituting the word “work” for 1 “die.” I never liked the word “die.” It has a horrid sound. “It’s pretty'damp for a person with the rheumatism to be prowling around. Uncle Josh.”, “Mebbe, boss, but it’s der doctor’s advice.” “Do you mean to tell me the doctor advised you to be out nights?” “Not ’xactly dat way—but he said I must have chicken bros.” Mrs. Newbripe—My husband and I are going for a cruise in the Kokoyles’ yacht. Mrs. Tangle—How nice! Mrs. Newbride Yes. Henry is very fond of yachting, and he is getting into training already. He told me last night that he had been splicing the main brace.