Democratic Sentinel, Volume 14, Number 40, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 31 October 1890 — LAUGH AND GROW FAT. [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

LAUGH AND GROW FAT.

A HEALTHY TONIC FOR INVALIDS OF ALL KINDS. Humorous Anecdotes Gleaned from Various Sources —Something to Read Which Will Make Anybody Sleep Well—Better Than Medicine When Taken Before Retiring. “I something to tell you, Alfred,” she said, as they stood under the trellised portico previous to his departure. “Jack Ashton, to whom I was engaged seven years ago, has returned. "Of course, he can’t insist on the engagement,” replied Alfred Vargrave, with emotion, “now that you have promised to be my wife.” “No (rather hesitatingly); but he has become immensely rich. “You would have me release you, then, so that you might marry him ?” exclaimed Alfred, fiercely. “No (still hesitatingly); I am only thinking whether you wouldn’t amass a fortune sooner by going for seven years than by waiting here for my uncle to die.”—Pittsburgh Dispatch.

The Better Side. The other night a man sat in an open window in a house on Croghan street, and from the knob of the door fluttered the insigna of death —of a child’s death. Along came four or five roysterers.singing and shouting, and as they caught sight of the man in the window they came to a halt, and one of them began: “Say, old man, come ” “Hush!” interrupted one of his companions. “Don’t you see that his baby is dead.” “Beg pardon, ’scuse us,” said two or three in chorus, and the gang tip-toed away and disappeared around the corner. The presence of death had brought out the better side. — Detroit Free Press. Cattiftli, After the Comparison of Notes.

Miss Tablette—The wretch! and so he has been proposing to both of us? Miss Brenton —It seems so. Miss Tablette —I wish we could think of some horrible way to punish him. Miss Brenton—l have it. Miss Tablette —What is it? Miss Brenton —You marry him. dear. —Judge. What Sam Thought. One day 5-year-old Sam caught his 3-year-old sister, Katie, tearing the pictures off of his new kite, and snatching the kite away from her, proceeded to slap her too-busy little hands. Her loud cries brought their mother to the room. “Why, what are you doing, Sam” she asked. “Whipping Katie for tearing mv kite.” “You musu’t do that,” said she. “If Katie does anything naughty come and tell me and I’ll punish her.” “Oh! I think I’d better punish her myself,” was the cool reply, “’cause you’d be sure to forgive her.” A Mother’s Grief. “You know’, Fanny, I picked out old Squaretoes as a safe husband for my daughter and invited him to dinner almost daily for a month. Knowing that he was something of a gourmand I engaged an expensive cook —a real cordon bleu —and at the end of thirty days do you know what happened?” “No.” “Why, he married the cook.”— Judge. ' Revenge! Servant Girl (to census taker) —Mind yon put down in your book that I am the eleventh girl missus has had since the beginning of the year. Census Collector—That’s no business of mine! Servant Girl—Very likely! but I want everybody to know’ what sort of a hole this is to live in. PicS-llfe-Up. Before the Rise.

Bull—lt’s my drink first. Dog—No, ’taint, it’s mine. Bull—Let’s toss up for it.— Judge. Fatal Objection. Uncle Ned—l’ve brought you a nice little dog, Johnny, the best one you ever saw. Johnny—l—l don’t think I’ll like him. Uncle Ned (astonished) —What’s the matter ? Johnny—Thar ain’t enough tail to tie a can to.— Binghamton Republican. A Little Off. Belle —I shall never marry Mr. Loose. When Ido marry, 1 shall marry a sound man. Mother—What is the matter with Mr. Loose ? * Belle —He’s cracked. Mistaken. Landlady—Mr. Poorfellow, you haven’t made your last payment. Boarder—Yes, I have, madam. I never expect to be able to make another.

A Fair Warning. Mr. Tangle—Tommy, your mother tells me that you are falling into the evil habit of talking slang. Tommy Tangle—Yes, pa, but I’ll try not to. ” Mr. Tangle—Well, you’d better not let me catch you using slang. Fd teach you! I’d }>ound you for a home run, young fellow, and just everlastingly knock the ' stuffing out of yon! I’ll have no slang in this house.— Light. A Master Mariner. Esther—Do tell me, Jack, what is a schooner ? Jack—Why, you know, a schooner is a two-masted sailing vessel. I thought you were up in yachting. Esther—Not especially, and I thought you didn’t care for it, but I heard Mr. Sharp say the other day that you could manage more schooners than any fellow at the hotel.— Boston Beacon. In the Case.

Hoffman Howes —Why don’t you hang up your hat? Howell Gibbon—The beastly peg is too large. It won’t go on.— Puck. In the Sanctum. Theater Hat Joke—What is the editor packing away so carefully in that box marked, “Handle with care.” Plumber Joke—That’s the summer girl. She’s been used so much this season that she’s positively worn out, but with careful nursing it is expected she will be able to resume her place on the staff by next June.— New York Herald. Well Salted. Summer Girl—That Mr. DeSalti doesn’t talk about anything but the sea, and he uses so many sailor terms that I can’t understand half he says. Does he own a ship?. Landsman—No, but he has a friend who owns a cat-boat.— Street and Smith's Good News. Opportunity for a Hypnotist. “Hypnotism is a creat thing. I can hypnotize any one, and what I desire the subject to do he does.” “See here, professor,” said the little tailor, I’ll give you 10 per cent, on all the collections you can hypnotize out of my customers.— Harper's Bazar. Swinging Around the Circle. “You say this woman struck you with a flatiron,” asked the Magistrate. “Where were you standing at the time?” “Back of her. You see she threw it at her husband who was in front.”— Philadelphia Times. One Prevents Failure. “Buffalo Bill cannot fail as long as he has one Indian with him.” “Why not?” “A man isn't wholly busted till he has nary a red left. — Pittsburgh Dispatch. The Parting Guests.

Farmer Greene Thank Heaven, Jane, they hain’t missed the kyars! Now we’ll have something to eat ourselves.—Munsey’s Weekly. Why They Felt Cut Up. “If you please, Mr. Cashgoods,” said the young saleswoman, “we have been discussing the matter of salaries. And we find that the men are getting more money for the same work than us girls. And we think that- is hardly just, do you ?” “I never looked at it in that light before,” answered the merchant, after a little thought. “It shall be remedied at once. I’ll cut the men’s salaries down next Saturday.”— lndianapolis Journal. Diverse Opinion Duo to Profession. Young Lady (admiring a w’atch) — What pretty little hands it has! Art Connoisseur —Nonsense! One of them is larger than the other.—Jeweler’s Weekly. A Popular Way, “Yes, my husband pays his part of the pastor’s salary quarterly.” “So I thought. John says he never knew him to give more than 25 cents at a time.” A Practical Suggestion. She (daughter of a wealthy man) —I don’t want the people in this hotel to think we are newly married. He (a poor clerk) —Don’t you? Then you pay the bill. Out of Her Element. Wise —My friends used to tell me I sang like an angel. Hubby—As that’s the case, why don’t you wait until you get to Heaven ? Life. No Novelty. First Sweet Girl—Did you see the skeleton dude at the museum ? Second Sweet Girl—Yes, I saw him. “ What did he look like ?” “Oh, just like any other dude.”— Good Neics. The Decadence of the Little Toe. According to Pfitzner, the little toe of man is degenerating. In 33 per cent, of the cases he has observed it had only two instead of three phalanges.—Medical Record.