Democratic Sentinel, Volume 14, Number 39, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 24 October 1890 — SMILES OF CONTENTMENT [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

SMILES OF CONTENTMENT

ISSUED FROM THE PENS OP • VARIOUS HUMORISTS. Pletunl Incident* Or-rurrtn* Ik* W*rM Over— Say loss that Are Cheecrni he the Old or Young—Joke* that Everybody Will Enjoy Reading. Aunt Mina was the colored nurse. She had brought in the baby, who could sit alone, intending it to be praised and admired, as alt babies are. Seating it on a cushion, she hang over it with solicitous care and pride, while the lambkin, not having the hinges of its unpracticed back in complete control, pitched north, south, east, and west, after a fashion of citizens of its age. “The baby has not lost its center of gravity,” said a gentleman at a dinner of unnsnal merit. “Wha’s dat?” said Aunt Mina, resentfully; and then quickly picking the baby up, she carried it from the room. Au hour after Aunt Miua came in. “Wha’ dot gemmen say dia baby lose, Miss Sallie ?” she inquired. “He said it lost its center of gravity,” was the reply. “Well, it di’n’t lose nuffin’ of de kine. I don’t want you b’lieve, Miss Sallie, I lose dem chiJlen close. I jes’ done took dat chile right out an’ zamined him, an’ dar was de center ob grav’ta right whar I pin it.”

Dressed Tor the Occasion.

Summer shore-dweller (as the buckboard goes through the bridge)—Hang on, Billy! It isn’t as bad as it might be. Billy—l know it, Sam. We’ve got our yachting caps on. — Puck.

Ability. Stranger (to citizen) —"Who is that man riding along yonder? Citizen—Col. Baggies, one of our most prominent citizens. “Mustbo rich.” “Extremely so.” “Made his money by speculating, I suppose.” “No, sir, he made it in the smartest possible way. His money is the product of a fertile brain.” “Make it by literary work ?* “Oh, no. I’ll tell you how he made it. Some time ago he stole two hundred thousand dollars. He was sent to the penitentiary for live years.” But where loes the fertility of brain come in V” “Why, my dear sir, he had the ability to hide that money where no oue could find it. Oh, he’s a great man.”—Arkansan: Traveler.

He Got Po»t“«l. “What on earth is that vehicle galloping in that fashion for?” he asked of a pedestrian on Clifford street. “That is the ambulance.” “Oh! something connected with the doctors ?” “Yes.” “Well, they are in an awful hurry to collect their bills to drive that way.” “Some one has been hurt and the ambulance will take him to the hospital for treatment.” "Oh, that’s it! Well, that’s more sensible. I thought it queer if they galloped around after a debtor in that fashion.” —Detroit Free Press. A Uhil Ulto. Mrp. Reel—You have been drinking, Mr. R. Look at your nose. Mr. Reel--I—l’ve been fishing, you know, my dear, and—and fishermen always have to take something along for snake bites, you know, my dear. Mrs. R—But you haven’t been following a mountaiu stream; you were out on the ocean, after bluefish. Mr. R.—Y—e—s, my dear. I—l was bitten by a sea-serpent, my dear —New York Weekly. He Was Only Rehearsing. Daughter—Papa, don’t you know it is bad manners to put your hands in your pockets? Papa—No, my dear; I was only practicing.” Daughter —Practicing what? Papa—To put my hands in my pockets, for I shall have to keep them there all the time after you have married that dude you are engaged to. Old and New Schools.

Small Boy—l’m too sick to go to school to-day. Mamma—Then lie down and I’ll send for a doctor. “Dr. Pellet?” “No. He’s a homeopath. I shall send for Dr. Castor, the allopath.” “Never mind, mamma; I feel better. "Where’s my books?”— Street & Smith's Good News.

Ihe Touchstone of Female Beauty. A company of ladies and gentlemen were playing at forfeits when a wag proposed that all the rest should do as he did. He thereupon took a handkerchief. dipped it in water, and began rubbing his face. “Now, all of you do the same,please!” At this the ladies, in a body, got up and fled from the room.— Fai'is Figaro. A Desperete Remedy. Tom—l hear your engagement with Miss lioseleaf is off. What was the trouble? Hnrrv—Ob, I got dead broke and had to break the contract so I could pawn the ling I gave her. No Doubt About It. “So Jack is married, eh? Do vou think he'll get along , well with 'bis wife?” “I’m quite sure he will. They sang in the same choir for two years without quarreling.”— Chatter,

WUh Calf (Uatflag. •I am going to writ* hn article on b*U*t girla," he said, “and I, wish to oooault some authorities and references." "All right," aaid the librarian. "Can you recommend any reference**" "Well," said the librarian, slowly, “I should recommend ‘Locke on the Understanding.’ "—Cape Cod Item.

After llw School Commcßccmcnt “So you have got two prizes?" “Yea, papa." “What are they for?" “Well, I got the prize for haring the West memory." “Well, what was the other?” “I can't think at the moment what that was for.”— Courrier dta EtatsUnis. A Hard Life. BeneTolent lady (to tramp)—Here, my poor man, is all we have left this morning. I suppose you have a hard time of it ? Tramp—Yes, mum. It's awful hard, mum, to leave a nice soft hav-mow so early in the mornin’, or else git around too late for breakfas’.”— Hew York Weekly, He Wasn’t Superstit our. Teacher (in grammar school)—Tour lesson to-day is on nouns. Nouns are names of things. Small Boy—ls ghost a noun? Teacher—Yes. Small Boy—How can it be? There ain’t no such a thing as a ghost.—Harper's Bazar. The Elements Against Th^tn. Assistant (looking out at the window) —General, it’s still raining, with no apparent idea of stopping. Gen. Greely (desperately)—That so? Well, we can’t do anything else but prophesy wet weather, then.”—Lawrence American.

.Satisfaction Guaranteed. Stage Manager—Mr. Heavy, you will take the part of Alonzo. Mr. Heavy—l have never seen this play. Do you think I can please tlie audience in that viart? “Immensely. You die in the first act.” —New York Weekly. Tile True Test. “W hat kind of a time did you have at the picnic?” “No picnic about it!” “That so? Why not?” “Why not? See here! They didn’t even sing ‘Home Again’ on the wav back !”—Lowell Citizen. Measuring; by tile Eye. Young Lady—l want a pair of shoes, large and comfortable. Two will do. New Boy (glancing at her foot)—Mr. Leather, the lady wants two shoes, large and comfortables. Where’s that box of sixes. —Street & Smith's Good News. A Long Good-Night. Travers—Did you know that Simkins stutters ? Jagway—Stutters! I should say so. He started to say good-night to me the other evening and before he got through I had to invite him to breakfast. Didn’t Need It. "WM Stage Manager (to proprietor of the theater) —Our scene shifter w’ants a vacation. He says he hasn’t been away for five years. Proprietor—Well, tell him he cannot have one. He gets chunge of scenery enough for anybody.

A Gemle Hint.

Editor—ls you didn’t drink so much Mr. Soqne, you could make a great deal of money. How in the world did you ever form the habit? So/^ue —Well, I began by taking a nip every time I had a poem rejected, and it’s kept me pretty full lately; but I'd really like a chance to reform. — Puck. The Wicked. Little Boy—Papa, when the preacher talked about wicked people he didn’t look at the congregation, he looked up in the air. Why was that? Papa—He was probably looking at the choir. —New l ork Weekly. He Could Change It. “Wliat a queer name yon have, Miss Booglespeele!” he said,* after he had asked her once or twice to pronounce it for him. “Well,” she responded, with just the sweetest smile, “you know what you can do with that name, Mr. Smith.” On His Knees Frequently. He—How would you like to spend the honeymoon in Lapland? She—l wouldn’t care to. That’s where we passed the most of our courtship, you know. Har«l On Itald-Headed Men. A scientist declares that “the soul is the oil of the hair.” This is pretty hard on the bald-headed men.—Somci'ville Journal. Kove Is Cnough. He —I love you so, my darling, can’t you love me a little bit? She —Yes—I—l do love you, but we are too poor to marry. He —I didn’t ask you to marry me.— Terre Haute Express. . Brown’s Pleasant Way. Brown—Helloa, Smith, have you change for a V? Smith —Yes; here you are. Brown—“-Thanks. I’ll 'bring the $5 bill next week.