Democratic Sentinel, Volume 14, Number 36, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 3 October 1890 — SMILES OF CONTENTMENT [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

SMILES OF CONTENTMENT

ISSUED FROM THE PENS OF VARIOUS HUMORISTS. Pleasant Incidents Occurring the World Over—Sayings that Are Cheerlnl to the Old or Young—Jokes that Everybody Will Ei:Joy Reading. “These are hard times, Jerry,” observed the dejected policeman, as he leaned tip against the fruit stand and his fingers mechanically closed in on the finest specimen in the orange pile. “Ye’re right, Mr. Murphy,” said the fruit man. “It’s all we kin do to make/ • livin’.” “An’ some of us,” pursued the man in the uniform, “ain’t makin’ even that. It’s hard luck when a man that’s always done hi» duty an’ never given no cause for complaint gets turned out of a job, ’thont a minute's warnin’, on account of some favorite of the Mayor’s that want’s hi« place.” “Wot da ye mean, Mr. Murphy? Ain’t yon on the force now? Have you, been gettin’ turned out”” “Tnut’s what I have, Jerry. They gave me the bounce about an hour ago, and I’m‘lookin’around now for* a job that'll ” “Then take yer dirty hands ofFn that bunch of bananas and drop that orange quicker’n lightuin’!” roared the fruit man. “or I’ll have ye arrested for stealin’. Yon ain’t on the free list of this establishment any longer. Git!”— Pittsburgh Dispatch.

Re Looked Just Like It. It was toid some years ago of a Southern j’outh, that one morning after completing a somewhat protracted toilet, he turned to his servant and inquired, “ How do I look, Ciesar ?” “ Tlendid, rnassa, ’piendid,” was the ready answer. “Do you think I’ll do, Caesar?” he asked, surveying himself and giving Gsesar a quarter. “Guv! massa, neber see you look so fierce in all mv lile. You look jis as bold as a lion!” “A lion! What do you know about a lion ? You never saw one, Caesar.” “Neber see alion, massa! Guy! I see Massa Peyton’s Jim ride one ober de mill ebery day.” “Why, you fool, that’s a donkey!” “Can’t help dat, massa,” said Caesar, “you look jis like him.” A Gooil Witness to Have on Hand. A tall, lank country judge was walking from tbe village tavern in/a Virginia county seat. “Say, Jedge, hole on darer minit.” “Well, Hob. what do you want?” •shed the Judge as he turned his quid over. “Judge, vou’s got my brother Jim dar in jail for stealin’ sheep. Is you gwine try him ter-day?” “Yes; why?” “Hit’s jes’ like dis. De angel Gabr’l come ter me las’ night an’ he sez ez how my brother didn’t stole no sheep. He say he jes’ ez innercent as new born baby. Now, w’at you gwine do ’bout dat?” “Humph! I reckon you’d letter tell the Sheriff to summon Gabriel at once.” Pittsburgh Dispatch.

Guest—l’m glad there’s a rope here In ease of fire; but what is the idea of putting a Bible in the room in such a prominent position? Bell Bov —Dat am intended foh use, sah, in cas9 the fire am too far advanced foh you to make yoh escape, sah. — Fuck. Kxposed! Captain Cuff is setting out on a long voyage. Mrs. Cuff (kissing him) —Oh, darling! it breaks my heart to part with you. Why—oh, why—cannot you be always with me? Rosie (from the hearth-rug)—What a one you are, ma! You can never think of anything fresh to say. Mrs. Cuff—What do vou mean, child? Rosie —Why, them’s the very words you said to Mr. Jones the day before pa came home. I was on the stairs and heard them!— Pick-Me-Up.

Marriage in High JLife. ‘" You know Miss Highroller?” “Oh, yes.” “Well, she has been engaged to do the balloon redding act at the county fair for the season. She appears twice a day and is married to any aspiring young man of lofty ideas, who will unteer Jio go up in the balloon.” “But isn’t that bigamy?” “Oh, no! She has a special wire to the great divorce center, and ten No. 1 red wheat divorces are telephoned to her every day between acts.” “Well, these affairs come high, and no mistake 1” Journalistic Heights. Dignified Stranger (at newstand) — "Which of these papers is the most highly respectable? Newsman—This one, I guess. Nofcddy buys it.— We to York Weekly. More Bad Luck. Mr. Winks (looking over the paper) Cheap Drug & Co., are selling all sorts of patent medicines at half price. Mrs. Winks—Just our luck. There isn’t auything the matter with any of ns.”— Good Newß Nothing- to Fear from Comparison. Somebody wants to know why pretty women generally marry homelv men. We have a clinging belief that it is done to give their own beauty the benefit of contrast— Ram’s Horn. \

Bf’d YPal* “New peaches?” be asked, as his eyes rested on five or six bushels of th« luscious fruit “Yes.” “How much?” “Four dollars a bushel.” “That’s for canning?” “Yes!” “Will they be any higher?” “Most certainly. Probably go to $7 inside of two weeks.” “Then I’ll wait and get a bushel to start a museum on. Try atid boost ’em to $lO if you can. —Detroit Free Press. An Experienced Worker. Quickpen (a book-keeper)—Hello, Thumper, where to? Thumper (a typewritist)—l’m going to the country for a month’s vacation. I’ve just been discharged by Closefist, .to make room for a young woman at a smaller salary. I’ll have my old place back in about a month. Quickpen—Think so? Thumper—Oh, yes. She’ll marry him by that time and after that she’ll make him employ a man. —Good News.

Mr. Paddock Field—Remember that you took me for better or for worse. Mrs. Field—O Paddy! I know that I took you for a good deal better than you are!— Puck. She Wasn’t Surprised. Friend—Madam, you have not heard from your husband since be went out' in the wild West, have you? Wife—No; John has not written for a long time. It is-my painful duty to foil you that be has beeu hanged for horse stealing. Some ranchmen caught him in the act and strung him up. lam not surprised. John was always high strung.— America.

An Optical Paradox. Bobby—Mr. Popinjay, your eyesight is all right, isn’t it? Mr. Pipinjay—l have excellent sight. Bobby—l thought so. Mr. Popinjay—Why do you ask that question ? Bobby—Popper was telling mamma this morning that when you are away from home, you are constantly looking through glasses.— Jewelers' Circular. Would Sot Wait. Book Agent—l should like to meet vour husband, madam, and show him this valuable book on—Heavens and earth! Listen to that! There is a mad bull loose in the street! I Lady of the House—Oh, no! That is my husband roaring about having to pay his dog tax. He will see you in a few moments, and Book Agent—Good day!— Munsey’s Weekly.

Tlie Retort Inferential. Clara—What do you think? That young naval cadet. Sibmore, sent me a “true lovor-’s knot” in gold cord yesterday. Maud (all sympathy)—What did you do? Clara (scornfully)—Rent him back a scarfpin representing a pair of sister hooks.— Philadelphia Press. Too Costly. Poet-—Did you accept my contribution ? Editor—No, the fact is, we hardly thought ic worth what you asked for it. Poet—Why, I didn’t put any price on it. Editor- No, but you asked us to give it careful consideration. Tile Difference. Small Boy (looking up from his his--1 torv) —Papa, the Union soldiers were ' paid only sl3 a month. Seems to, me that’s awful small when a Congressman is paid sl3 a day. Why ain’t soldiers paid as much as Congressmen? Papa-r-Soldiers, my son, do not fix their own salaries. —New York Weekly. An Average Store. Modish Lady—l wish to look at some —some underclothing. Floor Walker —Yes, Madam. Mr. Counter! attend to this lady, please. Bashful Gentleman—Have you men’s undergarments? Floor Walker—Yes, sir. Miss Psyche 1 this way, please.— Puck.. Spoiling a Child. Caller—How perfectly devoted you are to your husband 1 Young Wise —Yes, I am trying to pet and spoil him, so that if I die, and he marries again, no other woman can live with him.— New York Weekly. Horrors! Quiggs—l tell you what Boggs, I had an experience down town to-day that made my hair stand on end. Boggs—What was it? Quiggs—Shampoo. Detroit Free Press. A Question of Evidence. Granger—What’s good for hay fever? Parson—Why do you ask me ? I’m no doctor. Granger—You’ve had it for twenty years. I’thought may be, you’d know. Parson—Humph! Thatfs an evidence I don’t know.— The Racket. All the Rage. “What a stylish looking girl Miss Amy is!” exclaimed Goslio. “Yes,” replied Jinks, “even her cheeks AM h*Ad-oai ll t 4M L»._jr- fihore.

Everything Provided For.

When the Honeymoon Waned.