Democratic Sentinel, Volume 13, Number 35, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 20 September 1889 — STUFF AND NONSENSE. [ARTICLE]

STUFF AND NONSENSE.

A striking tale—the whale’s. A place for lawyers—the Sioux Reservation. Grave diggers are said to do work that is beneath them. The tailor hopes to succeed by clothes attention to business. To lovers : Never put off till tomorrow what you can w oo to-day. The coal dealer sometimes, bv mistake, gives the cart driver a weigh. A bootless attempt—To get upstairs without being heard by your wife. The man with a boil ou his neck never borrows trouble. He has enough of it. Dick —Going on any fishing trips this summer? Jack—No; I swore off. Dick—Fishing? Jack—Drinking. The well-bred woman says “please” to her servants, and sometimes to her husband if there’s anybody around. A Texas cow has died from eating corn with a full grown beard. Men with a full grown beard have died before now from drinking it. Mrs. Socrface —l hear Mrs. De Sweet’s husband is just devoted to her. Mrs. Sliarptongue—He is? Well, well! There ain’t many such men. “Father,” said Willie, who had just been corrected, “that strap is hereditary, isn’t it ?” “I don’t know that it is.” “But it descends from father to son, doesn’t it?” Tommy (who has been forgotten until nearly eleven o’clock) —Paw, what is a jiffy? Father—lt’s just about the length of time you’ve got to get to bed without a licking. It is seriously stated that it takes a fly a two-billionth part of a second to wink. If a man’s wink was as sudden as a fly’s he would never get anything but plain soda at the fountain in a drug-store. A pertinent question: “I would like to ask you a question,” said a gentleman to a fellow who was spreading himself over four seats in a crowded railway car. “What is it?” “What brand of nerve food do you use?” Tramp —Will your ladysliip help a poor man who is afflicted* with a terrible disease which prevents him from working? Lady—Poor man, here’s a quarter. What is your disease ? Tramp (pocketing the money)—Laziness,mum, laziness. Mrs. Newmarried —Which one of your friends has had triplets born to him? Mr. Newmarried —None of them, my dear. Why ? Mrs. Newmarried— Nothing, only I heard you say in your sleep, “Got three of a kind, have you? Well, that beats me.” D.— That’s a very funny old cane you have got there. I’d like to buy it from you. E. Can’t sell it. It is an old family heirloom. I wouldn’t sell it for anything in the world. My great-grandfather used to maul my great-grandmother with it. First New-Yorker—So you saw the Paris Exposition. I suppose you are glad you saw it ? Second. New-Yorker —Yes, indeed. I was bled very much and had to put up with many impositions. In fact I am so happy to get home that I am glad I went. Cousin Jane —And doesn’t Peter stay at home any night of the week ? Why, he followed you over half the continent before you gave your consent. Young wife—l know it, my dear. Haven’t you heard before of a woman marrying a man to get rid of him ? The average man: Wife You missed the baby greatly while we were away, didn’t you? Husband—Yes; couldn’t sleep at all for a while, till I put a sawhorse and wheelbarrow iu the bed and hired a man to play the accordion in the room nights. —Memphis Avalanche. NEW TITLE FOB THE COCKTAIL. The man who was “out pretty late with the boys,” The advice of Ills better-half scorning, Whom a turbulent stomache and headach annoys, Goeth forth for his horn in the morning. But it is not a cocktail he calls for to-day; Addressing the “live-saver” mixer He says: “I feel thirsty; so hurry, I pray, And give me my morning elixir.”