Democratic Sentinel, Volume 13, Number 24, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 5 July 1889 — Page 7

HAPPINESS OF THE OLD.

They Are Beyond Selfishness and Hare Forgotten Envy. The old are notoriously strong in matters of judgment, even though their knees may be wtak. What so pleasurable as to sit in the seat of the censor? Is a man ever too old for the bench? The longevity and the haleness of our more considerable lawyers is a convincing testimony to the advantageousness of their position. But every old man stands toward the community at like a judge toward his criminals. Each year broadens his horizon, extends his pleasure and his pastime. Methnsela was a man immensely to be envied. What varied lore, what an endless series of graduated pictures he must have stored within him, as the centuries passed and left him high and dry among his pigmy fellow-men! Nothing is easier, it may be said, than to cast together the evils which commonly wait upon old age, and thereby to prove that it is absurd to suppose that happiness can exist in the midst of them. Of course, nothing is easier than to catalogue these possible afflictions; but, on the other hand, I contend with mv betters that happiness, contentment, or what you please to call the “summum bonum” we all strive for, is quite independent of most of these afflictions. The prudent person, when old, expects to be tried in this way. He is prepared, and that is half the battle. Nor must it be forgotten that even as his energies have waned with his increase of years, so also his body has changed into a condition well suited to bear physical trials, which, in his youth, would have been insufferable. As a stripling he grumbled without ceasing when, a toothache or a sprained ankle kept him within doors; as an octogenarian the chair to which he is confined for a good many hours of the day is to him by far the most comfortable place in all the world, nor would he exchange it for the Pope’s throne, if the throne were only to be won by a journey to Borne. But to recur to the moral aspect of the matter. Is it not a fact that a good man’s goodness increases as he grows older? There is nothing in the world more venerable and lovable than a good old man or woman. Surely that is much, for are not respect and affection just the two things for which we fight hardest during the fighting part of our career ? And they may .be acquired by the aged without effort. “It is only older people, after all, who are quite unselfish, and feel the greatest pleasure in witnessing the happiness of others.” Miss Thackeray was very right when she wrote this. It constitutes the keenest joy of reverend old age; a joy to which the wild intoxicants, which in youth we call pleasures, are as nothing at all. It is almost impossible, made as we are, for the young to be disinterestedly happy in the happiness of others. Envy and jealousy are ever on the alert to mar such a divine possibility. But' the old are doubly gladdened by the visible joy of others. They are generous enough to rejoice because others are profited. And —this is not cynicism—they often also find cause to congratulate themselves that their own snug tranquillity is not in peril of being disturbed by the like boisterous agents of felicity. It is for their peace and resignation that I most admire the old. They have attained Nirvana. The wor Id’s "game, confessedly not an unamazing one, is known to them. They- are on the heights of Pisgah, whereas we are warring in the plain or groaning in the valleys about the tedium of our days. —All the Year Round.

A Few Puns.

Puns are said to be the lowest order of wit. But a good pun is a stroke of genius. Below we give some of the most famous puns of the ages: John Hill Burton relates a legal joke which to the legal mind, has all the charms of a pun. One day a bailiff, serving a writ, had been compelled by the defendant to swallow the document. In a state of great agitation and anger, the officer rushed into the court, over which Lord Norbury was presiding, to complain of the indignity. He was met by the expression of liis lordship’s hope that the writ was “not returnable in his court.” Perhaps the non-professional wits—the natural and spontaneous punsters —often say the best things; but then there is not always somebody at hand with the readiness to note the good things and preserve them. In its way there is nothing better thkn the answer given by a Cambridge student who, walking with a visitor, was asked, as the master of St. John’s passed on horseback, “Who is that?” “That is St. John’s head on a charger.” Nothing better ? Well, yes, we must admit that Napier’s dispatch, when he had taken Sciude—“Peccavi” (I. have sinned) —cannot be beaten; although Gen. de Bourment’s message to the Frenoh Minister of War, when the Dey of Algiers escaped him, was nearly as good: “Perdidi Diem” (I have lost a' Day). Nero, the Roman Emperor, is said to have perpetrated a practical pun. He made Seneca’s name condemn him—“ Seneca” (kill thyself). The unhappy victim had to commit suicide in order to complete the perfection of the joke. There is a very problematic pun ascribed to Sir Francis Drake, who, when he saw the Spanish fleet spread their sails in flight, is said to have sent to Elizabeth the single word, “Cantharides,” which, as everybody knows is “the Spanish But Drake was not a likely ’ man ,ft> make a pun at any time, and still'less

likely to invent so elaborate and yet so simple a one at such a moment. _ Bret Harte, by the way, is not usually regarded as a professional wit, and yet among the good things which cling to one’s memory is the couplet in the “Heathen Chinee:” Concealed in his nails, which were taper, What is common in tapers—that’s wax. Somebody has written a parody, in which a candidate for examination even beats the record of the Mongolian: Concealed in his palms, which were spacious, What is common in palms—and that’s dates. Speaking of palms recalls the famous pun of the Bishop of Oxford, who, when asked by a lady why he was nicknamed “Soapy Sam,” replied: “Because, madam. I am always getting into hot water, and always coming out with clean hands.”

Why She Was Shocked.

The English language presents many pitfalls to the unsuspecting foreigner, but I never thought that “kiss” and “keys” were liable to be confounded. Such, however, was recently the case in this city, and a voting Secretary of Legation or attache was the victim. He prided himself upon his newly acquired knowledge of Anglo-Saxon, and especially upon his pronunciation. Becently he had occasion to change his boarding-house, and was gratified to find his new landlady young, pretty, and agreeable. U lion returning to the house after an early morning stroll, he found the chambermaid had locked the doors, and encountering the hostess alone in the hall, he surprised her with the unusual request: “Please give me kees.” Her incipient blushes were soon changed into frowns at such unwonted temerity, but when the request was repeated with great earnestness, and finally supplanted by the demand, “I must have two kees,” she fled to the dining-room and sought the protection of her husband, who was reading the morning paper. An international imbroglio -was happily averted, however, and peace restored to the distracted household by that now exasperated foreigner writing upon the margin of his host’s journal: “I ask for two keys to my rooms. What for you act like two fools ?”—Washington Capital.

Fooling a Spider.

A gentleman was watching some spiders, when it occurred to him to try what effect the sound of a tuning fork would have upon them. He suspected that they Avould take it for the buzzing of a fly. He selected a large, ugly spider that had been feasting on flies for two months. The spider was at one edge of its web. Hounding the fork, the man touched a thread at the other side and watched the result. Mr. Spider had the buzzing sound conveyed to him over his telephone wires, but how was he to know on which particular wire it was traveling? He ran to the center of the web very quickly and felt all around until he touched the thread against the other end of which the fork was sounding; then, taking another thread along, just as a man would take an extra piece of rope, he ran out to the fork and sprang upon it. Then he retreated a little way and looked at the fork. He was puzzled. He had expected to find a buzzing fly. He got on the fork again and danced with delight. Evidently the sound was music to him. —Toronto Gldbe.

He Saw the Proprietor.

Wife—John, I wish you’d go into Coffee & Co.’s when you’re down town and see why they haven’t sent up the groceries I ordered by postal card two days ago. It’s shameful to neglect my order so. Just give them u real hard scolding, will you, John? John—l shall go there and see Mr. Coffee liimelf about it. John (an hour later) —Mr. Coffee, here’s an order on this postal card that I’ve carried in my pocket two days. I wish you’d get the goods up to the house early this morning; will you, please ?— Epoch.

A Stake Through Her Body.

On the way from Brunswick to Harpswell is a point where, four roads meet. Nature smiles on the spot, but it marks a uniquely cruel episode in the history of the New England colonists. In 1752 Ann Conner committed suicide in the old town of Brunswick. Iu accordance with the old blue laws she was buried at this place of the meeting of the four roads, with a stake driven through her bod . This is said to have been the only instance in which this old law was put into execution in this country.— Leivixlon Journal.

Wibble— Wliat do you think of this idea of adopting the sunflower as the national flower ? Wabble Pretty good idea, I think. It is typical of quite a numerous class of Americans. It makes a big spread all summer and is seedy in the fall. Terre Haute Ex press. It is true that charity is not so popular a virtue as it might be, for, though it covers a multitude of sins, in summer it is too warm for a wrap of any kind, and in w inter you can get more solid comfort out of an overcoat.— Baltimore American. Before offering yourself to the plump-looking toboggan girl you met last winter, perhaps it would be as well to wait until you see her on the beach this summer.— Life. • An artist and a gourmand have something in common. Each thinks a great deal of his palate. A dog will bark up a tree. So will a horss, if hitched one too long.

Good Literature.

Did you ever stop to think of the vast amount of good literature given away in this country? This inquiry is suggested by a few facts relative to the books, circulars, etc., issued by the proprietors of the wellknown medicine. Hood’s Sarsaparilla. Over '12.000,000 copies of cook books have been circulated within a few years by this concern. Hood’s book of parlor games has also contributed to the enjoyment of perhaps millions of people, as four or five millions of the books h«v© been published, ’i he new book of home-made candies, also issued by the famous Lowell medicine house, has been in great demand the past winter. Thousands of Hood’s placques have decorated as many homes, and the popularity of Hood’s Culendur is something wonderful. In all, the anuual output by C. I. Hood & Co. reaches the enormous quantity of 65,00d.00J pieces, or one for every man, woman, and child in the United States. It may be said that they wouldn’t do this if It didn’t pay. That is jusj; the point. Tuo proprietors of this medicine cannot afford to be purely philanthropic, and they certainly cannot afford to advertise a poor article. There must be merit in the medicine . to secure the continued increasing sale which it has, and also to warrant expending such a vast amount of money for the purpose of spreading its fame in territory where Hood’s Sarsaparilla is unknown. No amount of advertising can long sustain an article devoid of merit The numerous testimonials show conclusively that thousands of people have been benefited by Hood’s Sarsaparilla, and no one can deny that a great deal of good has also been done bv this high class of advertising. —Buffalo (K. I'.) Express.

New Firm.

“Where did you buy your new dress, Bridget?” asked a lady in suburban Boxburv the other day of her newly imported Irish domestic. “At Push & Pull’s store on Washington street it was, ma’am,” replied the fjirl. “Push & Pull’s?” queried the mistress. “I really do not recall any such firm in Boston. Are you not mistaken as to the name?” “I think not, ma’am,” said Bridget, confidently. “At any rate, that’s phwat it said on the door.”

Over the Pathless Ocean,

Athwart vast continents traversed by mighty iron thoroughfares, many-armed like the fabled Briareus, myriads set forth dally to encounter the vicissitudes of travel, change of climate, unaccustomed food, and an atmosphere possibly miasmatic, yet with a calm confidence that their health will be preserved. When this confidence is based upon the possession of ths supreme medicinal defense, Host-ether's Stomach Bitters, it is indeed well founded, otherwise not. Brackish water, badfcod, the Vearying and other bad effects of railroad jolting, sea sickness and nervousness, aggravated by a journey and its attendant discomforts, are shorn of their pernicious influence by this sterling alterative, pacifier aud compensating medicine, invaluable lor dyspepsia, feebleness, nervousness, constipation, malarial disorders, rheumatism and kidney complaints. Durely —Wliat’s the matter; why do you make such frightful grimaces ? Dudely—These infernal shoes are too tight. Durely—Why don’t you get rid of them, then? Dudely (philosophically)—l don’t want to. They’re not exactly comfortable, you know, but then they help a fellow forget a whole lot of his other miseries.— Cincinnati Commercial.

Why They Lead.

Dr. Pierce’s medicines outsell all others, because of their possessing such superior curative properties as to warrant their manufacturers in supplying them to the people (as they are doing through all druggists) on such conditions as no other medicines are sold under, viz.: that they shall either benefit or cure the patient, or all money paid for them will be refunded. The “Golden Medical Discovery” is a speciilc for catarrh in the head and all bronchial, throat, and lung diseases, if taken in time and given a fair (rial. Money will be refunded if it does not benefit or cure. ' Dr. Pierce's Pellets—gently laxative or actively cathartic according to dose. ‘25 cents. First theater-goer—ls that new comedy farce at the Fashion Theater worth seeing ? Second theater-goer— It’s a grand success—absolutely idiotic. ‘ Stick to your business," is very good advice, but still there are agreat many people in the world who have no regular and profitable business to stick to; and there are others who are following a line of business which is manifestly unsuited to them. Now, when such is the case, you had better write to B. F. Johnson & Co., Richmond, Va.. and see if they cannot give you a pointer. They have helped a great many men and women along the way to fortune, and now stand ready to assist you, too. A street band—The Belt Line Railroad.—Puck. L L. Cragin & Co., of Philn,. the mfrs. of Dobbins' Electric Soap, say they would rather close up their immense works than to put one grain of adulteration iu their Dobbins’ Electric t>oajL Would that all were as honest. The king of Grease —Pete Roleurn.

Oregon, the Paradise of Farmers.

Mild, equable climate, certain and abundant crops. Best fruit, grain, grass, and stock country in the world. Full information free. Address the Oregon Inn .migration Board,Portland,Oregon.

©H Chronic IVeuralgia* Permanent Cu.es. June 11, im. Suffered a Jong time with neuralgia in the hesdwat yrestrsted at timei; gave St. Jacobi Oil a trial; have been entirely fared; no return JEREMIAH SHE Y, 1812 W. Lombard it., Balto., lid. Permanent Cares. October 17, 1888. My wife was paralyzed from neuralgia; (he could not walk a *tep; I bought St. Jacobi Oil; after one bottle -ra« u»ed she walked about; continued use completely cue i her. JAS. P. MURPHY, Springfield, lean. Permanent Cures. June 17, 1887. Years ago had neuralgia; not eubject to attacks now; tbs cure by use of Sc. Jacobs OU wss permanent; there has been no recurrence of the painful affliction. E. W. SPANGLER, York, Pinna. AS DRUOBIBTB AND nEAT.CTg THE CHARLES A. VOGELER CO.. Baltimore. Md. KIDDER’S PMntIE&SiISS: BMMVMnHHu 1 ' rlesto wn, Muss. MENTION THIS PAPER ni« wunw to urtnaw. 0* find that Piso’s Care I lor Consumption not E REJIIIIIn\ oal y prevents, but I BIT fVLWAMj also CERES HoarseRATON'S french vitalizers. Unl Ull U Muds Vigw. eed die »nly Ufilim.u SpwiHe f«? Baitul Debility md Lo« Viulitj knpwn. A Muollmii Io.i(or»lor, emir*. Wbermlwa St nil. ffl.lfeetb CireuiK#free. DE. CAtOH. !««■ MENTION THIS PAPER .wnss watnao so aprstnems. w '' i f-'

Hfliar CTIIHV Bookkeeplnit .Business Forms, a I UUI • Penmanship,Arithmeti''.Shorthand, etc- thoroughly taught by mail. Circulars free. BrTaKt’s Business College, Buffalo, N.Y. MENTION THIS PAPER wwm w»m»« to CHEAP BOIES IN T3IAS. Large and small farms and pastures Very rich land. Delightful climate. Send lor pamphlet. TEXAS INVESTMENT CO- Corsicana. Texas. DETECTIVES Wasted la erery easnlr. Shrewd nen to set aader Imtraerioa. la our Secret Service. Experience a.t ncreiurr. Sent He. at.nap. GrannanDetectiveßursauCo. 44 Arcade, Cincinnati,o- - and expenses f ' uun 1 v Mid any active man or woman to Mil our good* WANTED br live at homo. Salary paid w promptly and ezpctaaea in advanco. FullparQ H tacnlara and aararl t caae FRKE. We mean jaai oa | ant/ what we *«v. Standnrd Silverware bALAHT^o^^^c^B^^Soß^leateii^ia*». MENTION THIS PAl'Ert wmu wkitino to auviitiwu. nniir Tft lIP and PrePAre for tilling one I.IIMr 111 lIS of 'he thousands of posiUUillL I U Ulltions always open for good Bookkeepers, Correspondents. Clerks. Shorthand Writers, etc. Both sexes attend, and admitted at any time. Shorthand taught by mail, send for circular. Business axp PhonourashicCollehe. Sterling, lll. MENTION THIS PAPER wans warns, to .arnanasat. The mostcerBBMp Wtfk tain and safo painREMEDY K&ia\%vw in the world that instantly stopsthemost ■llllilU ■ EXCRUTIATINC pains. It is truly the great EillilUgW CONQUEROR Hißrall OF PAIN, and hasdonemore f than any known rem--1 edy. For SPRAINS, BRUISES, BACKACHE, PAIN intheCHESTorSIDES, HEADACHE, TOOTHACHE, or any other EXTERNAL PAIN, a few aoplications act like magic, causing the PAIN to INSTANTLY STOP. For CONGESTIONS, INFLAMMATIONS, SORE THROAT, BRONCHITIS, COLD In the CHEST, RHEUMATISM, NEURALCIA, LUMBAGO, SCIATICA, PAINS In the Small of the Back, etc., more extended applications are necessary to effect a cure. RADWAY’S READY RELIEF. CURES all INTERNAL PAINS, CRAMPS. SPASMS, SOUR STOMACH, NAUSEA,VOMITINC,HEARTBURN, DIARRHCEA, COLIC, FLATULENCY,FAINTING SPELLS,quickly by taking internally as directed. 4W*Sold byTJrugglsts. Price, 50 cents.

JOSEPH H. HUNTER f fk^UNwitbMi?DEui! FROM SAVAGE TO CIVILIZATION.

SWIFT’S SPECIFIC is a simple vegetable compound prepared from roots freshly gathered from the forests. The formula was obtained from the Creek Indians by the wliites who had witnessed the wonderful cures of blood diseases made by that tribe. It has been used since 1829, and has been the greatest blessing to mankind in curing diseases of the blood, in many instances after all other remedies had failed.

Baby Carriages r3SSs charge within TOO mile* of Chicago. Send for Catalogue. CHAN. It AINKM. Mir.., GZ-S4 < ljti.,nrn Are., t'hleige. j.t. l iION 'l‘iii.S PAPER WHIN WHITINO To . PVSSTI.KM.. iPpHNHS ' ****** 3 Oct A for mailing \ catelo S ues wira M MENTION THIS PAPER whin warn** to Aorsirmsita. sHjli FREE TRADE PRICES! l*|{OTE«Tl<>\! >0 MOXOPOUKS! BSIS BUI {■iuiiSife.Sf'.as.ra: W BBb CHllE—same a» cut—complete 'nth all attachments and warfir Ml ranted for 5 years tor onlv *t r >. if JH !■ end for circular and see full dea jBKM scription of this and other steles M. A. SCUIXKN A CO., West Lake Bt, Chicago, 111. Mk.NIION TriiS pjpgn want warns. r

a — _ and Piso’s Cure tor L fa f f~% Consumption THB | -fkH «t BEST remedy for ygi# J N \J hoarseness and to tk *■ # clear the throat. wtolSs day. Sample* worth *2.15. FREKt £“%lines not under the horse’* feet. V rite BrtwsSafety Rein-Holder Co.. Holly. Mich. MENTION THIS PAPfcK <riu warn** To tovßirwiM, NORTHERN PACIFIC IT LOW PRICE RAILROAD LANDS ® FREE Government LANDS. tVIILUONS OP ACUS of each In Xlnneaot*. Worth Dakota. Montana. Idaho, Washington and Oregon. CCHIt Cnn Publication* with Map. describingT!m wCall rUll BMT Agricultural, Grating and Tin* her Land* now open to Settler. Sent Free. Addra— CHAS. B. LAMBOM.^r. A NEW INVENTION ■’AIMER’S MAGNETiciNHALENNB^ Patented June 12, ISBBUBBBm Price, One Poller. Magnetism and Menthol as a Remedial and Curative Agent. From time to time many inventions and device* have been placed upon the market claiming to core catarrh, neuralgia, bronchitis, etc- many of which are said to contain electric or magnetic enrativa powers. Dr. Palmer is a gentleman who has devoted a life of study to the subject of catarrh and diseases of the head, throat, and lungs, and some time since he commenced a series ot experiments with a view to determining whether auy combination could be tormed which would kill tbe parasite and act as a healing power at the same time, and at length succeeded in determining that menthol, when combined with magnetism, would do so, but how to arrange these seemingly opposite agents so as to render their use convenient and effectual was a question of some difficulty. At length he succeeded in confining within a vulcanite tube three inches long and about three-quarters of an inch in diameter a perfect magnetic battery In the form of a coil of steel wire, in the interior of this battery is stored a line grade of Imported menthol. The ouds of the tube are closed by nickel caps, which, when removed, admit of the free inhalation of the electro-mentholized air. The munthol sets as a gertuuclde, while the magnetoelectric force stimulating the weakened uerves of the diseased parts into healthy action forms a wonderful healing power, thereby successfully stopping any further depredations. The fumes when inhaled are refreshing and oooling, aud for the Immediate relief and speedy cure of catarrh, cold in the head, hay fever, headache, neuralgia, catarrhal deafness, etc.., it is unequaled. •It cures headache in- live minutes., Bore throat is one of the diseases immediately affected by the Inhaler. Commencing cold* can be broken up in 'M hours by a few inspirations from this little benefactor. lo clear the throat and head, and produce sound and refreshing sleep at night, it has no equal. Tbs inspiration is pleasant and effect wonderful. Nothing like it has ever been placed on the market before. Its price is moderate. Its working is marvelous. aud no family can afford to be without one of these inventions. Beware of imitation, as there are unscrupulous persons engaged in the manulaelnra ot a spurious Inhaler that strongly resembles the genuine, Full directions, testimonials, etc- sent with each instrument. If you are afflicted with Catarrh, send #I.OO and set a Magnetic Inhaler, which is certain to afford nstant relief and a permanent cure. Address K. A. GAVISK, Western Agent, 371 Franklin 8t« Chicago, 111.

Swift’s Specific cured me of terrible Tetter, from which I had suffered for twenty long years. I have now been entirely well for five years, and no sign of any return of the disease. Rogers, Ark., May 1,1889. W.H. Wight. One bottle of 8.8.8. cured my son of boils and risings, which resulted from malarial poison, and affected him all the summon He had treatment., 'from live doctors, who failed to benefit him. Cavanal, Indian Ter. J. B. Wish. I have taken Swift's Rpecific for secondary blood poison, and derived great, benefit. It acts much better than potash, or any other remedy that I have evei used. B. F. Wingfield, M.D., Richmond, Va.

CHICHESTER’S ENGLISH. PENNYROYAL PILLS BSD CBOBS DIAMOND BRAND. A > Origins!, beet, only genuine end /aaV & reliable pill Tor sale. Never Fail. Aak for tTr lchtitir's bljlulOß ® ZTeEswZDiamond Brand, 1" red mej CA Ttj IT. tallio brute*. -euled with blue rib* \Witty At Druggists. Accept \y / no other, all pjll* in paste- V V beard base., pink wrapper., are a danger- , *p*- fjb ons counterfeit. Scud 4<s. (etampn) tor _A Ur) partieulare arid “Kellef for Ladies,” to V.— - letter, by return mail. 10,000 testimonials frem LADIES who ns re u«ed them. Name Psper. Chichester Chemical Co., Madison S<f..Phila.,Pa. «l prescribe and fully en» irs* Big G as the only tectflc for the certain cam ! this disease. . H. INGRAHAM, M. D., Amsterdam, N. Y. We have sold Big G for tany years, and it baa given tbe beat of Mttofaction. D.K. DYCHEACOm^ __ __ 1.00. Sold.by Druggiato,. c - N - u - - No. it7—B9 W H P WRITING TO ADVEKTISEIIS. I« th/ip“r r. UJ y “ U " aw the