Democratic Sentinel, Volume 13, Number 18, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 24 May 1889 — HUMOROUS AND BRIGHT. [ARTICLE]

HUMOROUS AND BRIGHT.

In modern parlance, when a man puts op his umbrella he doesn’t put it np. Charged with electricity — The subscribers to the Bell telephone. Dentists make more money or; “draw” games than anybody we know of. It is the experience of all conductor* that strange tilings come to pass op railroads. The original Jacobs. “Brown is collector, isn’t he?” “Yes. He is tho original dun Brown.” She hit the nail a fearful whack — I meant to say. she tried; She bathed her thumb with arnica, And then sat down and cried. Partial payments seem hard enough to the schoolboy, but he finds them •harder still when he grows up. Russian fashion note: “The Czar has returned to St. Petersburg and changed his winter suit of boiler iron for a light spring suit of cast steel. Teacher —You should take a lesson from your sisters, you naughty boy. Girls don’t fight. Little Johnnie—They does when they gets as old as ma. Judge —At first you stole S6O, and afterwards S4O. Are you never going to do better ? Criminal YVhv, your Honor, I <lid better that time by S2O. “I like Italian music.” “I don’t. Every Dago with a hand-organ grinds it on the streets.” “Well, don’t that make it fine music ?”—Ch icago Ledger. A scientist tells us that the world is gradually wearing out—that it is being used up by mankind. It is a fact that a great many writers and politicians are making the world tired. Ruskin says that in this world “the men who look for the straight will see the straight.” A poker-player would give anything to discover that Mr. Ruskin knew what he was talking about. Mrs. N. Peck —So you thought I was an angel once, did you? Mr. N. Peck —Yep. Mrs. N. Peek—And you don’t think so now, eli? Mr. N. Peck—Nope. I still live in hopes that you may be, though. “My dear madam, you are perfectly charming to-night.” “O, you are a flatterer; I don’t believe you.” “I assure you lam speaking the truth. Why, when I first saw you, positively I did not recognize you.” She —Do you love music? I am passionately fond of it, He (just introduced) —I knew you were. I watched you the other night at the opera, and the way your jaws kept time to the music was a She—Sir ? It will take three weeks to count the $200,000,000 iu the sub-Teasury at New York City. This is one of the disadvantages of having lots of money. We couldn’t afford to devote three weeks to counting our wealth. “We don’t have dinner in the middle of the day at our boarding-house any more.” “You have lunch, I suppose?” “No; luncheon.” “Well, that’s the same thing.” “Oh, no, it isn’t! Lunch is a light' difmer, and luncheon is a light lunch.” Chumley —l say Barker, thought you said this watch was waterproof. Here the works are ruined the first time I got wet. Barker—Mv dear boy, I had that watch in “soak” for six months before I sold it to you and it didn’t hurt it a bit. Salesman (in clothing store) —The gentleman wlio ordered the check suit this morning lias sent it back. Proprietor—What’s tlie matter? Salesman— Says he doesn’t know the house and prefers not to take so large a check unless it is certified. “What is so rare as a clay in June,” suddenly inquired young Mr. Jobbles at the dinner table. “It can’t be this steak,” muttered Wobbles, with lowtoned sarcasm. “Perhaps it is pay-day with some people,” said the landlady, returning the startled look of Wobbles with a stony glare. “Let me extend mv sympathy, Mrs. James, in the loss of your littie girl.” “Thank you Mrs. Williams, it was a severe blow to me, and then, to make my burden all tlie heavier, poor Fido contracted tlie same disease and died two days later. But we all have our griefs, you know.” Mary —George, I have heard you i spoken of frequently as a successful j business man. “I am (liat. Why?” I “Well, considering the fact that you j have been visiting me for three years, I think you should maintain your repu- ! tation and talk business.” He maini tained his reputation. j “O, look George, they are hanging ; out an ice-cream sign across the street!” Tlie Avoids were few and softly spoken, and yet they took all the brightness out of the spring sunshine, all the music from the song-birds’ notes, all the melody from tlie A'ernal 2ephvr, and all tlie change out of George’s pocket.

Numerous conger eels, killed by the frost, have been washed up on the southern coast of England. Some of them -weighed seventy pounds, being seven feet long and twenty-four inches in circumference, miniature sea-ser-pents, iu fact. No similar occurrence, has been known since the Crimean war.