Democratic Sentinel, Volume 13, Number 8, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 15 March 1889 — BUDGET OF FUN. [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

BUDGET OF FUN.

Old time rocks—rocking the cradle. The last rose of summer—Ths cabbage rows. A cheap way to lay in coal—Sleep in the coal bin. A plum-pudding on the table is worth two in the stomach. ' Weak men are never over-bold, but they are often bowled over. We cannot all be as wise as Solomon, but we can all stop pretending that we are. A bobe is like the traditional hoopsnake—usually has a long tale of himself in his mouth. The philosophy of everyday life proves that many a tailor-made girl can take the conceit out of a self-made man. An exchange speaks of a woman as being the only one left of her family. But how can a woman be the only tirvivor. Judge— ls I got as intoxicated as you do I’d shoot myself. Prisoner—ls you was s tossicated as I am you could not hit a barn door. Snaggs —l see an Elmira minister preached last Sunday on “ What can I do to be saved?” Jaggs—Seems tome one of the first moves would be to get out of Elmira.

Woman is rarely able to sharpen a lead pencil or drive auail in the proper wav, but she generally knows how to manage a husband and that’s a good deal tougher job. Employer —You say that your habits are all oorrect. Applicant—l'es, sir. Employer (after a moment's pause)— Ho you drink? Applicant (absentminded)—Thanks. Don t care if I do. Fob the sake of long-suffering humanity it is earnestly hoped that Mr. Edison will never invent any sort of a machine which will enable people to hear what is said about them behind their backs. Wipe (reading morning paper)— Why, the Mormans actually still claim the right of having two, three, and sometimes four wives at once. Husband —Why, at that rate, how can a mau ever hope to be a widower. Father (who has given his consent) —I hope, young man, that you know the value of the prize you will get in my daughter ? Young man—Wtdl—er—no, sir; I don’t kuow the exfict value; but as near as I can find oat, it’s in the neighborhood of $25,000. Fogg (arguing with Brown) —I tell you prohibition will never prohibit. If they pass the constitutional amendment we shall have free rum. Mrs. F. (suddenly interested)—O, that’ll be a great saving to you, won't it, David? You'll bo able to buy me the tea skin tack next winter.

Binks’ Coachman (colored) I thought you saved yoali folk < was so doggone iich. Jinks’Coachman (Celtic) —So they are, ye black devil. Binks’ Coachman—Huh! I guess not. Hooked in de winder las’ night an’ seen two ob de young ladies playin’ on de same pianny. Guess you all has ter economize. “Ah,” she said, with a tremulous vibratory little sigh, “true happiness is something that is rarely experienced, isn’t it?” “Yes,” he replied, “rarely, and yet I have known it.” “When?” “This evening.” “With me?” “Yes; about five minutes ago, when you told me that your father was laid "up with rheumatism in his right leg.” a maiden’s prayer., A, maiden of uncertain age To catch a hus»>and die! engage ; And having passed th? prime of life In striving to becona ) a wife, Beneath an oak this ancient maid KneJt down, a id fervently she prayed : “Send, send a hnsb-md, Lori," ah > cried, “While jet I may become a bride. Else i'll die without an ear.y love A nd none to meet me in Heaven above.” •Tub , then an owl, perched up the tree, In deep, ba^B-tones cried, “Wlioo! abwhee?" “And dost Thou ask me, foo l Lord, who? “Why, any man, dear Lord, will dol’’ —'Wusiiiiujton Critic. First department official (at Washington)—l had a strange experience to-day—strange. Second department official —You look as if you'd seen a ghost. Come, tell me the story; anything to relieve the monotony. “It is not a ghost story. It’s all flesh and blood. ’ “Well, well! Out with it.” “A mau came to me to-day to ask about a matter which I couldn t refer to any other department, and I actually had to attend to it myself.” Bridget —The nurse says, mum, that yez wbrr in the kitchen while I worr out? Mistress (timidly)—'Yes, Bridget. Bridget—Yis— indade, mum; an’ what wud ye think if I wint into your hoodwar when ye worr out ? Mistress (more timidly)—l should think it strange. Bridget. Bridget (moliifyirg a little as she shatters a piece of Sevres on the floor)—Well, muin, but hereafter if yez will stick to sour own part of the house Oill stick to mine.

Hodge—l say, Pat, where would 7011 be if those gallows had their due? Pat —Biding alone. I guess

PAT'S PAT ANSWER.