Democratic Sentinel, Volume 13, Number 8, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 15 March 1889 — SAYING HARD SINNERS. [ARTICLE]

SAYING HARD SINNERS.

BY JOHN STEPHEN.

Two commercial travelers sat in the office of the Brunswick Hotel. “Tom,” said the younger, “I have just obtained an inside position in the firm, and will leave the road, I imagine, for some time. I have had enough of hotel aud restaurant life, and am determined to try the portal of home, if not homo itself, a boarding house. Do you know’ of any good place?” “No, Jim; I’ve not been boarding for years. Tho best way is to put an advertisement in oue of the Sunday papers, find you will have plenty of replies, for Chicago is divided into two classes, those who board and those who keep house.” “I should like to get a nice, quiet place, where I could have some home comforts, a little music, a chat in the parlor, and that sort of thing, you know. “Oh, yes. I know all about it, Mr. James Barclay. You have got romantic notions of boarding houses aud expect to find in them all the comforts of home, hut you will learn that there is no place like home, and trying to find a substitute iu a hoarding house is like trying to gather figs from ■thistles and grapes fioiu thorns.” “Come now,” was ilie cheery rejoinder, “don’t try to discourage me. I think I •can get through an advertisement just the place I want.” “jNo doubt you may. It seams to me there is nothing under tho sun that may not be obtained througlfltho medium of au advertisement. ”

“Yos, I believe you. And I don’t think the;y is anything ioo ridiculous on earth intbew.tyof an advertisement that will not elicit a reply. ” " Jhon, suppose you illustrate the truth of you • own theory by advertising for bond in some quaint, out of tho way manner, that will ward off tho average race of professional boarding-house keepers, and bring to your relief one of these matronly souls, full of tho milk of human kindness, who only keep boarders for the sake of ■company, and are entirely above mercenary motives?” “Since you bavo l oon talking I have fran:Qd a a adv.utiSv'ino.t, which you, no doubt, may consider ridiculous, but I bet you a supper at Kinsley’s I shall got an answer to it. Here it is ” Mr. James Bac ay, taking a pencil and note book f:om his pocket, wrote tho followin';: Wanted—A young gentleman, wit.. the best of references, desires, board in a refined family of good social position, where bis edifying conduct will be considered as sufficient compensation for his bcqp.l. Address J. 11. 22, this office.” “Great Caesar!” exclaimed the other, in genuine astonishment, “you dou’t im giue :or a moment that even in this big city of -Chicago, which contains every shade and ■variety of characters, from the sweetest •saints to the sourest cranks, that you will find anyone so philanthTopically foolish as to answer that advertisement?” “Yes, Mr. Thomas Temple, sage and sober philosopher and man of the wot Id that you are, I will get genuine answers to this advertisement. M ill you accept the bet?” “I should say so! And being something of an epicure, will concoct the most expensive menu I can think of, and will do the supper given me by the Don Quixote of advertisers the most ample justice.” “Don't be too sure that the entertainment will bo at my exponse.” Both gentlemen, after lighting their cigars, strolled to the office of one of tho great dailies, where tho singular advertisement was duly paid for and ordered to be insetted.

After this operation the friends parted, the last remark of Mr. Barclay being: “Now, my doubting St. Thomas, you will see that I get an answer, and I shall enjoy your supper and prove the truth of my theory.” * * * * * iK In a number with four figures on Michigan avenue sat a mother and daughter in a cosy anteroom that had every appearance, if not of oppressive opulence, yet of elegance and refinement. “I think, my dear,” said the mother, “that Harry needs more cheerful associates than we are; although, poor boy, he bears well up under his affliction. But, ever since that dreadful accident which confined him to the house, his spirits, •once so buoyant, seem to be depressed. J should like to engage some agreeable person to come and re id to him every day for an hour or so. It would relieve" you, may dear, and giro H rry an opportunity to converse with some one who knows more of tbe outsido affairs of life, of •which, in our exclu ive retirement, we have been so long icnoiant.” “Yes, ma, I think Harry would be much improved by coming in contact -daily with an intelligent person from the active circles of life. One who could talk to him of his old business associates and haunts. I could never interest myself on those subjects, and I actually forget the price of wheat two minutes after being told the latest market rate of that exceedingly fluctuating staple. I always thought ■staples were more steady characters. ” “I hope Hairy will not interest himself too much in that speculative com-* modity,” replied the mother as a shade •crossed over her face. “He can make all the money it takes to gratify an ordinary ambition out of his 1 to father’s business. Butsupjio.se, my dear, write an advertisement that will secure the person we want. ” “Suppose, mamma,” replied the daughter, “I look over the newspaper and get an idea from it, about th- way to word it. Here are all kinds of want ; bo rd wanted, and so forth. But just listen! Did you ■ever hear such an advertisement as this?

“ ‘Board wanted—A young gentleman, with the best of references, desires board in a refined, social family of good social position, where his edifying conduct will be considered as sufficient compensation for his board.’ “Did you ever hear of such assurance? Does this person really expect to find people to board him for the benefit of his edifying conduct?” “It is rather a singular advertisement,” replied the mother. “I have heard many a subterfuge of taking boarders for companions, but not without compensation.” “Perhaps this edsfying person’s conduct might bo of some good to Harry; but the probabilities are thnt he is a goody-goody divinity student, and you know Harry is something of a Robert Elsmere and has peculiar views on religion.” “But, my dear, you are taking it for granted that the advertiser is a divinity student. In all probability he is a very different sort of person. Ho states he hus the best of references. Suppose you write him a note and request him to call?" In a few days after the insertion of the adverti ement Mr. James Barclay calle'd at the newspaper office and received but two replies. One of them read as follows: “If the good youug man will apply at the penitentiary, he may find a field for his edifying conduct, as the present Chaplain is off on a vacation. ” “Guess that won’t sink,” said Mr. James Barclay, with a grim smile. “It looks like a put-up job; there is a strong resemblance in some of those strokes to Tom Temple's handwriting; but let u« see what we’ve got here.” The other answer was a dainty missive in a feminine hand, requesting the advertiser to call at a certain residence on Michigan avenue. It was exceedingly brief, though courteous. Turning lo the clerk with some degree of anxiety, he demanded to kuow if thero weio no other replies, and left with an incredulous look that would make any .one but an advertising clerk feel uncomfortable.

On this little missive, therefore, hung the truth of a theory and au expensive supper. But Mr. Barclay was a mau of resolve, and after a careful toilet was soon at the lesidence on Michigan avenue. “Jingo, this is sumptuous!” he ejaculated, as his wandering eye tookiu tne elegant surroundings, “if I get accpmmodations hero, I’ll bo inclined to think the be?t home I’ve yet soen is a humbug to this place. ’’ His reveries wero cut short by the appearance of two ladies, who smiled when their unexpected visitor explu ned the object of his call. I he younger, Miss Susan Bedford, was a lady of convictions. She had conceived tho idea lhat the writer of such afi advertisement must surely be a divinity student, and thus she regarded him. “Mr. Barclay,” she said, reading his card, and then proceeding straightway to open the campaign. “My mother and I, the other eveniug, were discussing t'he ndvisabil ty of having some company in the house *jr the benolit of my brother, who met with a severe accident some time ago, and has been coufiaod to the house. SVe saw your advert.semeut, and wore prompted to answer ii, but I must forewarn you that my brother has led avery active commercial life, has peculiar views on religion, and dislikes to discuss theological subjects." “aha le of Homy Ward Biochcr! I w ouldn’t be surprised if she took me for a local preacher,” thought Mr. Barclay, “but if ilie interest ng -uvalid who is to be impio\edby my edifying conduct is a practical businoss man I’ll soon undeceive them.

“Madam,” he replied, while a dimpled smile ran over his rosy, jovial face, “saving hard sinners is not my line, though I'm in the hardwate trade. I’m a commercial traveler,'and, as they say in our circles, pretty well posted on current events.” Bo gave a hearty laugh—such a one as had not been heard in that house for many a day. Here a voice from over, the banisters, much to the surprise of the ladies, called out: “I’ll bet a cool thousand that’s Jim Barclay’s laugh. Come up, you durned old son of a gun; I’m glad to see you!” “Why, is that jou, Harry Bedford?” cried tho astonished Jim. “Well, I declare. Thought you had sold out of your father’s business and gone to Europe! Well, I am delighted to see you. I’ve got a whole budget of stories to tell you. You’ll die laughing to hear how Pete Welsh got mashed on a widow in Duluth—but excuse me, ladies, for being so rude. I must beg of you to pardon me if I join my old friend. ” “I don’t think, my dear, there is much of the divinity student about that gentleman, ” said the mother. “No, I don't think ho mortifies the flesh, but he will be just the person to put a little life and animation into Harry. And I hope,” she added, “that he may be our guest. ” Mr. James Barclay was duly assimilated into the bosom of the Bedford fam.ly, pioved Iris theory, won his supper, found a good home, cheered up the spirits of tho yo ing merchant, led the young lady in due course of time to the altar, and was eventually admitted as a partner into his 'brother-in-law’s flourishing business. Ho says that if there was any way by advertising to take a chance at making the hereafter secure, he would bo the first to try it.