Democratic Sentinel, Volume 13, Number 8, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 15 March 1889 — Page 6

JE T’ADORE. A LOVE SONG. Well listen to news « That is trite and diffuse And let bores take firm root to the floor, If they'll only have sense In the qnic»- present touse To let tales be indorsed by the door. We love to have health And we love to have wealth, And a smile from the one we adore; But when cold blizzards blow With a swirling of snow Give ns one who shuts closely the door. —American Commercial Traveller ANTICIPATION. Life’s soul of bliss ne’er sates itself. Nor credits us for what we re doin i ; Our highest hope, our groatest wealth Lies in the pleasure of pursuing. So measure wo our ends alway, In sunshine and in sorrow; It is not what we are to-day. But what we hope to be to-morrow

SAYING HARD SINNERS.

BY JOHN STEPHEN.

Two commercial travelers sat in the office of the Brunswick Hotel. “Tom,” said the younger, “I have just obtained an inside position in the firm, and will leave the road, I imagine, for some time. I have had enough of hotel aud restaurant life, and am determined to try the portal of home, if not homo itself, a boarding house. Do you know’ of any good place?” “No, Jim; I’ve not been boarding for years. Tho best way is to put an advertisement in oue of the Sunday papers, find you will have plenty of replies, for Chicago is divided into two classes, those who board and those who keep house.” “I should like to get a nice, quiet place, where I could have some home comforts, a little music, a chat in the parlor, and that sort of thing, you know. “Oh, yes. I know all about it, Mr. James Barclay. You have got romantic notions of boarding houses aud expect to find in them all the comforts of home, hut you will learn that there is no place like home, and trying to find a substitute iu a hoarding house is like trying to gather figs from ■thistles and grapes fioiu thorns.” “Come now,” was ilie cheery rejoinder, “don’t try to discourage me. I think I •can get through an advertisement just the place I want.” “jNo doubt you may. It seams to me there is nothing under tho sun that may not be obtained througlfltho medium of au advertisement. ”

“Yos, I believe you. And I don’t think the;y is anything ioo ridiculous on earth intbew.tyof an advertisement that will not elicit a reply. ” " Jhon, suppose you illustrate the truth of you • own theory by advertising for bond in some quaint, out of tho way manner, that will ward off tho average race of professional boarding-house keepers, and bring to your relief one of these matronly souls, full of tho milk of human kindness, who only keep boarders for the sake of ■company, and are entirely above mercenary motives?” “Since you bavo l oon talking I have fran:Qd a a adv.utiSv'ino.t, which you, no doubt, may consider ridiculous, but I bet you a supper at Kinsley’s I shall got an answer to it. Here it is ” Mr. James Bac ay, taking a pencil and note book f:om his pocket, wrote tho followin';: Wanted—A young gentleman, wit.. the best of references, desires, board in a refined family of good social position, where bis edifying conduct will be considered as sufficient compensation for his bcqp.l. Address J. 11. 22, this office.” “Great Caesar!” exclaimed the other, in genuine astonishment, “you dou’t im giue :or a moment that even in this big city of -Chicago, which contains every shade and ■variety of characters, from the sweetest •saints to the sourest cranks, that you will find anyone so philanthTopically foolish as to answer that advertisement?” “Yes, Mr. Thomas Temple, sage and sober philosopher and man of the wot Id that you are, I will get genuine answers to this advertisement. M ill you accept the bet?” “I should say so! And being something of an epicure, will concoct the most expensive menu I can think of, and will do the supper given me by the Don Quixote of advertisers the most ample justice.” “Don't be too sure that the entertainment will bo at my exponse.” Both gentlemen, after lighting their cigars, strolled to the office of one of tho great dailies, where tho singular advertisement was duly paid for and ordered to be insetted.

After this operation the friends parted, the last remark of Mr. Barclay being: “Now, my doubting St. Thomas, you will see that I get an answer, and I shall enjoy your supper and prove the truth of my theory.” * * * * * iK In a number with four figures on Michigan avenue sat a mother and daughter in a cosy anteroom that had every appearance, if not of oppressive opulence, yet of elegance and refinement. “I think, my dear,” said the mother, “that Harry needs more cheerful associates than we are; although, poor boy, he bears well up under his affliction. But, ever since that dreadful accident which confined him to the house, his spirits, •once so buoyant, seem to be depressed. J should like to engage some agreeable person to come and re id to him every day for an hour or so. It would relieve" you, may dear, and giro H rry an opportunity to converse with some one who knows more of tbe outsido affairs of life, of •which, in our exclu ive retirement, we have been so long icnoiant.” “Yes, ma, I think Harry would be much improved by coming in contact -daily with an intelligent person from the active circles of life. One who could talk to him of his old business associates and haunts. I could never interest myself on those subjects, and I actually forget the price of wheat two minutes after being told the latest market rate of that exceedingly fluctuating staple. I always thought ■staples were more steady characters. ” “I hope Hairy will not interest himself too much in that speculative com-* modity,” replied the mother as a shade •crossed over her face. “He can make all the money it takes to gratify an ordinary ambition out of his 1 to father’s business. Butsupjio.se, my dear, write an advertisement that will secure the person we want. ” “Suppose, mamma,” replied the daughter, “I look over the newspaper and get an idea from it, about th- way to word it. Here are all kinds of want ; bo rd wanted, and so forth. But just listen! Did you ■ever hear such an advertisement as this?

“ ‘Board wanted—A young gentleman, with the best of references, desires board in a refined, social family of good social position, where his edifying conduct will be considered as sufficient compensation for his board.’ “Did you ever hear of such assurance? Does this person really expect to find people to board him for the benefit of his edifying conduct?” “It is rather a singular advertisement,” replied the mother. “I have heard many a subterfuge of taking boarders for companions, but not without compensation.” “Perhaps this edsfying person’s conduct might bo of some good to Harry; but the probabilities are thnt he is a goody-goody divinity student, and you know Harry is something of a Robert Elsmere and has peculiar views on religion.” “But, my dear, you are taking it for granted that the advertiser is a divinity student. In all probability he is a very different sort of person. Ho states he hus the best of references. Suppose you write him a note and request him to call?" In a few days after the insertion of the adverti ement Mr. James Barclay calle'd at the newspaper office and received but two replies. One of them read as follows: “If the good youug man will apply at the penitentiary, he may find a field for his edifying conduct, as the present Chaplain is off on a vacation. ” “Guess that won’t sink,” said Mr. James Barclay, with a grim smile. “It looks like a put-up job; there is a strong resemblance in some of those strokes to Tom Temple's handwriting; but let u« see what we’ve got here.” The other answer was a dainty missive in a feminine hand, requesting the advertiser to call at a certain residence on Michigan avenue. It was exceedingly brief, though courteous. Turning lo the clerk with some degree of anxiety, he demanded to kuow if thero weio no other replies, and left with an incredulous look that would make any .one but an advertising clerk feel uncomfortable.

On this little missive, therefore, hung the truth of a theory and au expensive supper. But Mr. Barclay was a mau of resolve, and after a careful toilet was soon at the lesidence on Michigan avenue. “Jingo, this is sumptuous!” he ejaculated, as his wandering eye tookiu tne elegant surroundings, “if I get accpmmodations hero, I’ll bo inclined to think the be?t home I’ve yet soen is a humbug to this place. ’’ His reveries wero cut short by the appearance of two ladies, who smiled when their unexpected visitor explu ned the object of his call. I he younger, Miss Susan Bedford, was a lady of convictions. She had conceived tho idea lhat the writer of such afi advertisement must surely be a divinity student, and thus she regarded him. “Mr. Barclay,” she said, reading his card, and then proceeding straightway to open the campaign. “My mother and I, the other eveniug, were discussing t'he ndvisabil ty of having some company in the house *jr the benolit of my brother, who met with a severe accident some time ago, and has been coufiaod to the house. SVe saw your advert.semeut, and wore prompted to answer ii, but I must forewarn you that my brother has led avery active commercial life, has peculiar views on religion, and dislikes to discuss theological subjects." “aha le of Homy Ward Biochcr! I w ouldn’t be surprised if she took me for a local preacher,” thought Mr. Barclay, “but if ilie interest ng -uvalid who is to be impio\edby my edifying conduct is a practical businoss man I’ll soon undeceive them.

“Madam,” he replied, while a dimpled smile ran over his rosy, jovial face, “saving hard sinners is not my line, though I'm in the hardwate trade. I’m a commercial traveler,'and, as they say in our circles, pretty well posted on current events.” Bo gave a hearty laugh—such a one as had not been heard in that house for many a day. Here a voice from over, the banisters, much to the surprise of the ladies, called out: “I’ll bet a cool thousand that’s Jim Barclay’s laugh. Come up, you durned old son of a gun; I’m glad to see you!” “Why, is that jou, Harry Bedford?” cried tho astonished Jim. “Well, I declare. Thought you had sold out of your father’s business and gone to Europe! Well, I am delighted to see you. I’ve got a whole budget of stories to tell you. You’ll die laughing to hear how Pete Welsh got mashed on a widow in Duluth—but excuse me, ladies, for being so rude. I must beg of you to pardon me if I join my old friend. ” “I don’t think, my dear, there is much of the divinity student about that gentleman, ” said the mother. “No, I don't think ho mortifies the flesh, but he will be just the person to put a little life and animation into Harry. And I hope,” she added, “that he may be our guest. ” Mr. James Barclay was duly assimilated into the bosom of the Bedford fam.ly, pioved Iris theory, won his supper, found a good home, cheered up the spirits of tho yo ing merchant, led the young lady in due course of time to the altar, and was eventually admitted as a partner into his 'brother-in-law’s flourishing business. Ho says that if there was any way by advertising to take a chance at making the hereafter secure, he would bo the first to try it.

American and European Parks.

The following table shows the extent of public grounds in various American and European cities, with a comparison of acreage *to population. It is taken from the New York Herald: A ores Inhabi ants cities. Populfttirn. in parks, to one acre. New York.... 1,590,000 1,031 3,333 London ■ 4,500,000 22,000 2 5 Paris 2,230,000 172,000 13 Vienna 800,000; 8,010 100 Berlin 1,174,791 5,0.0 235 Dublin 30(5,030 2,000 181 Brussels ■ 35 >,OOO 1,030 350 Amsterdam.. 75 >,OOO 8 0 437 Tokio 1,00,000 6,000 167 Philadelphia. 9.0,000 3,003 300 Chicago .... 60),003 3,000 200 Washington.. 150,000 3,000 150 St. Louis 350,0. :0 2,100 167 Boston, 490,0‘)0| 2,100 190 Brooklyn.... 600,000, 940 659 Buffalo !• 0,030 620 258 Savannah.... 31,093 10 550 Bahimore.... 400,0) >| 776 515 SanFranclsco 250,009| 1,181 211 In digging among the ruins of Pompeii they have found a piece of brass to fit over the hupva icheek. The modem cheek needs uone.

BILL NYE IN ST. LOUIS.

It In Do'ng m Man n Service There to Lock Him Up—An Exciting Fpitiode Involving; the Fate of a Fa r of Trousers.

means of the scruff of jour neck, through a hooting and madding crowd, lint the policeman who has arrested you sends in a signal from the nearest box, and directly, as the English put it, or right away, as the American lias it, a beautiful silver-mounted droska, or Rise-up-William-Riley-and-come-along-with-me phaeton, drawn by gayly caparisoned and neighing steeds, dashes up to the curb, driven by an Olive street gondolier. You bound lightly into the. beautifully flecked chariot, a tiny silver gong about the size of a railroad time-table tinkles gavly, and away you go, arousing the envy and admiration of those who have never been under arrest. But how, asks the keen and pungent reader, can St. Louis atterd to do this, while in a city like New York the criminal must either walk to the sta-tion-house or forego the joys of arrest entirely. The answer is simple. Here the criminal pays $6.50 for an arrest which he used to get at SO. This pays his drosEa hire and makes liis arrest something to look back to with pleasure. People who yield to the police and become arrested from time to time do not care for the expense. Mostly they reter the expense to a place which should be alluded to sparingly in a Sunday paper. And so the sum of $3.50 doesn’t bother them at all. They pay it if they have it,and it' they do hot,an opportunity is given (hem to earn it later on at some skilled labor like pounding sand. This makes the arrest an ornament to the city, and the gentlemanly criminal or misdemeanor obligato pays lor it, thus contributing to his own comfort and making his arrest a delicate tribute to himself which tlie papers can use, and which will read well in a scrap-book when forked over to future generations. St. Louis points with pride to her police system and methods of arrest. A New York man who eomes to St. Louis and gets arrested is treated just as well as if lie had been born here; wherdas a St. Louis man who goes to New York, when arrested, is at once looked upon with suspicion. 'llie people of St. Louis love to compare their police and arrest system with those of other cities, and to speak of Chicago with quiet scorn. 'J liey love to point with pardonable pride to their five mayors, neither one of whom dared for some time to leave town for fear one of the others v r ould be sole mayor when he got back. They also speak with some acrimony of the oldtime Chicago justice of the peace, who used to have his shrine over a gilded hell. He had a deaf and dumb waiter built in back of the bench, also a speaking tube, by means of which he c mid refer difficult points of law to a low'-browed chemist in his shirt sleeves down stairs, and so, as we say in the Rife de Bowery, he would ever and anon “roll the rock.” And it fell out that in his court justice was not only blind, but she had a bad hiccough as the day wore on, while now and then the hoarse overruling power of the justice mingled its accents with the whistle of the speaking tube and the low moau of the lip loss dumb waiter. Thus it happened that in the records of the office the stenographer has erroneously embodied in the Justice's rul-

A ST. LOUIS ARREST.

ings such irrelevant remarks as “another hot whiskee for the coo-rt, ” and other holdings and findings of the court which have been used in Chicago and other cities as precedents in caßes of like character, to the great elevation of the bench and bar. lle*was a Justice who introduced into his administration a style of fine which has been frequently adopted by young and struggling Justices of the Peace elsewhere. For instance, two offenders are up before him for assault and battery, or something of that kind, and the court is try.ng to discover which is the off ending party. After hearing the testimony and overruling most of it, referring from time to time to his tin source of information, he looks up at the ventilator and says: “The court finds you guilty and assesses you tin dollars and trimmins, together with the remark that you will stand committed until the whole thing is fully paid.” J Then one of the men says timidly • “But, your Honor, I have no money." “S>t down! sit down, you red-eyed study in rum,” said the court, “and shut up your chaotic face. I’m talking to the other ma i.” On board a steamboat the other even-

LOUIS is only city I have ever vis ited where it seemed like paying a man a delicate tribute to arrest him. When you are arrested in St. Louis you do not go reluctantly to the nearest station by

ing a strange thing occurred. It has nothing to do with anything else, and I do not put it m here in order to teach a valuable lessop. It is just a simple unchronicled fact. A shy young man decided to abandon a venerable pair of trousers to its fate, having just secured a new pair as he went on the boat. So he said to himself, I will just drop them out of my cabin window into the remorseless tide, and all will be buried in the great, calm bosom of the old parent of waters. He lolled them up carefully and shied them far, far out over the gunwale of the boat near the bow. As they sped through the air they unfurled with a soul-piercing plunk. They filled with air and looked as they struck on the crest of the waves

A STEAMBOAT INCIDENT.

like a man stooping over to peer down mto the depths of the tide. A nervous woman about midships heard the impact of the abandoned pantaloons ana looking down with a shudder said: “Me Gawd, a human being has went to his accmnt.” She then became the author of a loud yelp and all hands rushed . to the guards with the cry of “Man overboard,” that awful cry which once heard can never be forgotten. A hundred hands with boat hooks and catfish openers ran to the lower decks, and amid 'he cries of women and the quick-drawn breath of pale men, a tall roustabout jabbed the drowning man in the vitals with a jabber, and, while fainting passengers look* d the other way, he pulled out the now collapsed trousers and found on the inside of the waistband the name of the owner, also the J.eg and waist measurement, together with the name of a St. Louis tailor. Then they began to .hunt over the boat and in the dregs of the river for the man who had occupied the trousers aforetime, and that shy young man's name was in everv mouth and he didn’t dare to come down for his breakfast, and his jet black mustache, which could be distinctly st en when he left St. Louis, from fright turned around and went back a'iain.

A Very Fertile Country.

A few years since there resided at Newton, Kan., a gen al German, by the name of Schmidt, who was general land agent fqr the Atchison Topeka and Saute Fe railroad. A large party of capitalists irom New York and the old country came to Kansas with a view of making heavy investments. Schmiit was called upon to show these men around, and right royally did he do it. Taking them out in the prairies far from the railroad, Schmidt would in a glowing manner, describe the natural advantages of the climate, soil, etc. As one after another would find some fault, and think this or that could not be raised there, he would walk a few miles further and show them just the soil needed for that kind of grain or fruit. At last one of the gentlemen spoke up: “Mr. Schmidt, I find after going around with ymu, there is nothing that you cannot raise in Kansas.” To this, Schmidt quietly replied: “I forgot to tell you, gentlemen, that you cannot raise pumpkins in Kansas,” “Why is that?” they all, with one voice, inquired. “Well, you see, this land is so very rich, and the vines grow so rapidly, that'they wear the pumpkins all out dragging them along the ground.” If any one doubts this, the land is still to be seen.

Paralyzed by Chewing Gum.

The most remarkable case that has come under llie observaion of the medical fraternity iu this city for a long time is that of Mary Y r ountz, aged 12 years, who is suffering from facial paralysis. This affliction is due to chewing gum, she having employed the use of her jaws so constantly during the last three months that the muscles of her face are powerless and her nerves are in a dilapidated condition. When she laughs her face presents an amusing sight, and yet there is much sympathy felt for the little girl, as her condition is regarded as a serious one by the physicians who have been called upon to treat her. In whatever position she is able to twist her mouth the muscles emain, and the face is thus ii» a contorted shape until one of the members of her family assists her with their hands to place it in proper < ondition. Her chin drops, and it frequently becomes necessary to tie a bandage over her head to keep the lower jaw in the proper phne. Mary is now under the care of Dr. Hites, who is applying plasters to h r face, and under this treatment she seems to be improving, though slowly. —Philadelphia Press.

Gas far Balloons.

In the new method for obtaining gas for balloons the hvorogen s gotten by heating slak d l m and powdered zinc, to be inclos d in the cart; id res for safe transportation; by heating this cartridge in an apparatus provided for the purpose, hydrogen gas is obtained in sufficient quantities to inflate an ordinary militaiy balloon in three hours.

BUDGET OF FUN.

Old time rocks—rocking the cradle. The last rose of summer—Ths cabbage rows. A cheap way to lay in coal—Sleep in the coal bin. A plum-pudding on the table is worth two in the stomach. ' Weak men are never over-bold, but they are often bowled over. We cannot all be as wise as Solomon, but we can all stop pretending that we are. A bobe is like the traditional hoopsnake—usually has a long tale of himself in his mouth. The philosophy of everyday life proves that many a tailor-made girl can take the conceit out of a self-made man. An exchange speaks of a woman as being the only one left of her family. But how can a woman be the only tirvivor. Judge— ls I got as intoxicated as you do I’d shoot myself. Prisoner—ls you was s tossicated as I am you could not hit a barn door. Snaggs —l see an Elmira minister preached last Sunday on “ What can I do to be saved?” Jaggs—Seems tome one of the first moves would be to get out of Elmira.

Woman is rarely able to sharpen a lead pencil or drive auail in the proper wav, but she generally knows how to manage a husband and that’s a good deal tougher job. Employer —You say that your habits are all oorrect. Applicant—l'es, sir. Employer (after a moment's pause)— Ho you drink? Applicant (absentminded)—Thanks. Don t care if I do. Fob the sake of long-suffering humanity it is earnestly hoped that Mr. Edison will never invent any sort of a machine which will enable people to hear what is said about them behind their backs. Wipe (reading morning paper)— Why, the Mormans actually still claim the right of having two, three, and sometimes four wives at once. Husband —Why, at that rate, how can a mau ever hope to be a widower. Father (who has given his consent) —I hope, young man, that you know the value of the prize you will get in my daughter ? Young man—Wtdl—er—no, sir; I don’t kuow the exfict value; but as near as I can find oat, it’s in the neighborhood of $25,000. Fogg (arguing with Brown) —I tell you prohibition will never prohibit. If they pass the constitutional amendment we shall have free rum. Mrs. F. (suddenly interested)—O, that’ll be a great saving to you, won't it, David? You'll bo able to buy me the tea skin tack next winter.

Binks’ Coachman (colored) I thought you saved yoali folk < was so doggone iich. Jinks’Coachman (Celtic) —So they are, ye black devil. Binks’ Coachman—Huh! I guess not. Hooked in de winder las’ night an’ seen two ob de young ladies playin’ on de same pianny. Guess you all has ter economize. “Ah,” she said, with a tremulous vibratory little sigh, “true happiness is something that is rarely experienced, isn’t it?” “Yes,” he replied, “rarely, and yet I have known it.” “When?” “This evening.” “With me?” “Yes; about five minutes ago, when you told me that your father was laid "up with rheumatism in his right leg.” a maiden’s prayer., A, maiden of uncertain age To catch a hus»>and die! engage ; And having passed th? prime of life In striving to becona ) a wife, Beneath an oak this ancient maid KneJt down, a id fervently she prayed : “Send, send a hnsb-md, Lori," ah > cried, “While jet I may become a bride. Else i'll die without an ear.y love A nd none to meet me in Heaven above.” •Tub , then an owl, perched up the tree, In deep, ba^B-tones cried, “Wlioo! abwhee?" “And dost Thou ask me, foo l Lord, who? “Why, any man, dear Lord, will dol’’ —'Wusiiiiujton Critic. First department official (at Washington)—l had a strange experience to-day—strange. Second department official —You look as if you'd seen a ghost. Come, tell me the story; anything to relieve the monotony. “It is not a ghost story. It’s all flesh and blood. ’ “Well, well! Out with it.” “A mau came to me to-day to ask about a matter which I couldn t refer to any other department, and I actually had to attend to it myself.” Bridget —The nurse says, mum, that yez wbrr in the kitchen while I worr out? Mistress (timidly)—'Yes, Bridget. Bridget—Yis— indade, mum; an’ what wud ye think if I wint into your hoodwar when ye worr out ? Mistress (more timidly)—l should think it strange. Bridget. Bridget (moliifyirg a little as she shatters a piece of Sevres on the floor)—Well, muin, but hereafter if yez will stick to sour own part of the house Oill stick to mine.

PAT'S PAT ANSWER.

Hodge—l say, Pat, where would 7011 be if those gallows had their due? Pat —Biding alone. I guess