Democratic Sentinel, Volume 12, Number 47, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 14 December 1888 — Untitled [ARTICLE]

“I never opon my mouth but I pu my foot in it," was the curious complaint of an unlucky man, who might have received a consolation had he reflected on the number of offenders that daily keep him company. The guardsman’s remark to an English nobleman who was in the habit of affably conversing with soldiers. “I like you, my lord; there’s nothing of the gentleman about you.” offers a very good example of the kind. “How many deaths?” asked a hospital physician. “Nino. ” “Why, I ordered medicine for ton.” “Yes; but one would not take it,” was ibe startling reply “Hillo! where are you going to at thia ti ne of night?” said a gentleman to a servant. “You’re after no good, I’ll wairant. ” “Please, sir, mistress sent me for you,” was ( tbe response. A child may often expect to put hie or her heedless little foot in it, as the phrase goes For instance, a youngster begged an invitation to din <er at the house ol a friend with whom he had b r en playing. At the table tho host anxiouily inquired : “Charley, can you cut your own meat?”

“Humph!” said the youngster, who was sawing* away; “can’t 1 ? I’ve cut up quite as tou h meat as this at home.” People who are destitute of tact* might take warning from such juv - nile malapreps; but such does noi often appear to be the case, judging by the numerous examples to the contrary. A millionaire railway-hing has a brother who is bard of hearing, while he hlmsolf is remarkable as having a very prominent nose. Onoe this railway-king dined ata friend’s house where he sat between two young ladies, who talked te him very loudly, rather to his annoyance, but he said nothingFinally, one of them shouted a commonnlace remark, and then said in an ordinary tone to the other ? “Did you ever see such a nose |in all your life?” '‘Pardon me, ladies,"(said the millionaire, “it is wy brother who is deaf!* Alluding to newspapers, It way be remarked that advertisers and unpracticed writers therein through am** biguity of word* ant phrases often commit absurdities that may be touehed on as further illustrating our subject. A country paper once related hew “during a celebration a child was run over wearing a short red dress, which never spoke afterwards.” d In the description of the doings of a mad dog, it Is said that “he bit a horse on the l»g which has si >ee died.”

Ab account of a funeral says; “the remains were committed to that bourne from which no traveller ret rns attended by his friends.” It is not surprising that foreigners sometimes fal’ to catch all the shades of meaning belonging to jur words. A Frenchman trans ated Shakspeare’s line “Out brief candle,” by “Get out, vou short candle.” And the expression,“With my sw'jrd I will carve mv way to fortune, was rendered, “With my sword I will make my fortune cuHinr mea ." Advertisers often give us amusing specimens of composition, of which this is an example: “Lost by a poor boy tied up in brown paper with a whit* string a German flute with an overcoat on and several other f rticlos of wearing apparel.” A miller attempted to testify to the merits of a powder for destroying vermin by saying: “ A fortnight ago I was full of rats, and now I don’t think I have one.” Examples more of the ‘’bull” genus also come under the title es this paper as eases in point. For instance a newspaper was running a serial story called “The Truth. ” One weok. so much space being devoted to other matters, the editor was unable to continue the story, so he made the following an* noune* meat, containing perhaps more truth than any other item in the paper: “ ’TheTt uth’ was crowdedout in tqis week’s issue on account of the press of more important matter.” He Needed S. Record. -She was a self respecting Chicago girl. Ho had made his deelar tion of love, and it had been heard with a lowering of the fair h> ad and a blush on the s of cheeks. But he could not help say» ing something to fill in while he waited for her answer. “When I say I have never loved till now,” be said “it is not an emoty word. My lips have never tonchod the lips of any woman’s—except my mother’s, my hand has never pressed a woman's

hand; 1 do not dance, and my irm .” A look of strange woaderment came over the beautiful face and the deep eye? grew large as she listened most attenrively, “Is that true, George?"she asked with hushed breath- “It is,” he answered earn*, estly “it is absolute!-, literally true.” The laok of wonderment merged into a glance of icy teruuess «s she rose quickly to her full height and eonIjonted him. “Thea, for goodness* sake, George,” she said, ‘ go off seme where and practice till you get a re - ord I” Vibtdbs ox Glycbbime. —As a dressing for ladies' shoos nothing equals it, making the leather soft and pliable without soiling the garments in contact. Where the feet sweatburnt alum and glyoeiine—one of the former to two of the latter—rubbed on the feet at n|ght, and a light or open sock worn, tho foot washed in tho morning with tepid water, will keep them during tha day free Lorn odor, so disagreeable to those persons wh« are sufferers.

For bunionsand corns, cannibuslndieus and glycerine, equal parts, painted on the bunion or corn and bound around with canton flannel, adding a few drops of liquid to the flannel whore it comes in contact with the affected part, will soon restore to h alth. As a fats lotion, oatmeal made in a paste with the glycerine two parts, water one part, applied to the face at night, with a mask worn over, will give in a short time, If faithiully pursued, a youtfbul appearance to the skinAs a drossing in ike bath, two qts. ot water with two ounces of glycerine deeded with rose, will impart a lna\ tresbness and delicacy to the Skin*. In severe p-roxysms of coughing, either in coughs colds or consump tion, one or two table spoonfuls of jure glycerine in pure rye whisky or rot rich otoam, will afford almost immediate relief; and to the consumptive a panaeea is found by use of glycerine internally with the proportion of one part ot powdered willow char - coal and two parts of pure glycerno.

PITTING ONE’S FOOi IN IT*