Democratic Sentinel, Volume 11, Number 50, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 6 January 1888 — HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR.

Sound money—the organist’s salary. A coming man—The man for his rent Coal dealers have not only a soft snap but a hard snap. Hard and soft are equally scarce.—New? Haven News. Too much of Burton’s ale at night sometimes introduces you to his Anatomy of Melancholy the next morning. — tuck. Thebe was a man much given to flings and sneers, whom his wife called a fellow of infinite twit— Texas Siftings. An exchange gives a receipt for making a cheap horse cart You can make a cheap horse do it, we suppose, but you mustn’t load the cart too heavily. — Siftings. Said Mr. McFerguson, shaking his head “I am not to my wife s stronger qualities blind; And while she can’t make up a dress or a bed. You just ought to see how she makes up her mind.” — Puck. First Florida Man —I thought I would present my little bill this morning.” Second Florida Man—“No need of doing that The mosquitoes attended to that last night”— Areola Record. ’The gayest man is sometimes the saddest. The best-humored man is .sometimes the maddest; But the heaviest man is never the lightest, And tbe soberest man is never the "tightest. ” —Arkansaw Traveler. Old lady—“l am sorry to hear a little boy use such shocking langnage. Do you know what becomes of little boys who swear?” Urchin—“Yes’m. Dey gits to be hoss-car drivers.”— TidBits. Mamma (to Walter, who has just returned from his first experience*with a fishing-rod) What, back so soon ? Walter—Yes’m; I thought I’d come home. The worms were so nervous I couldn’t get ’em on the hook. Brown —“l saw you going home very late last night with a turkey under your arm, Robinson. Robinson—Yes, I Was down at Rumangum’s with the boys until nearly 2 o’clock raffling. I won it. Brown—W T as it a nice turkey? Robinson—l don’t know; I was too sick today to eat any of it.— New York Sun. At a gathering of a few ministers and others the other day, in New York City, to utter some woifas of grateful mention and good cheer to Dr. Deems, some one declared that “an ounce of taffy” was wojth more than a ton of epitaphy! A word in season, how good it is; but words, however kindly spoken over a grave,* come too late. Stranger —“l notice you drove the President over the same street twice. ” Omaha man—“ Yes, we arranged the route that way. You see, we drove him through that street on his arrival, and then drove him through it* when we went back an hour later.” “Exactly. I thought it was an oversight.” “Oh, no. We wanted to give him a chance to see how Western cities grow. ”

HIS CAPABILITIES. “I’ve given you your dinner now," The woman to the poor tramp said, “So take this ax and split some wood. And pile it neatly in the ehed.” "Ah! no, indeed!” the man replied, “I promised to do all I could. But really, ma'am, I never had The least idea of splitting wood. ” “What are you good for, then?” she aaid, “You thief,you vagaliond, you Turk;" He answered, backing down the steps, “I can do anything but work.” —Texas Siftings. The members of a church at Hartwell, Ga., were discussing what they had done to help the cause of religiou ‘ilong during the year, when one good brother, whose cotton crop had turned out better than he had expected, said: “I came very near promising the Lord at planting time that I would $1 for every bale of cotton I should make this year, but, brethren, if I had done so the Lord would have got me sure.”

An Ohio preacher tried to quote the verse in Matthew about “not one jot or title,” and said: “Not one tot or jrttle.” Then he saw that he had erred and tried again. “Not one jilt or tottle,” said he, and again stopped. But he would not give up, and began. "Not one tit or jottle,” and then with a red face he gave it up and went >on with his sermon, and there were not a halfdozen of his hearers who could really tell just what the two words were.

“That’s ‘Boulanger’s March,’ ’’ said a rustic proudly to the' man at his elbow as the country band struck up. “Great Ceasar!” replied the other in a stage whisper, “do the people know it?”*^ 4 ! s’pose so—some of them. Why?” “Why? Man alive, can you ask that? Is there no danger of a riot ?” “Why, certainly not.” “Thank heaven}” he breathed fervently. “Then in this community I shall even dare whistle ‘Feek-a-Boo.’ ” —Binghamton Republican. “Gentlemen,” said the Judge of an Arkansas court to the attorneys during a trial, “I don’t mind your shooting at each other occasionally if the ekcomstances seem to justify it; but .1 see that one of your bullets has hit an overcoat belonging to the court and broken a quart flask in the inside pocket. I wish it to he understood that if there is any more such careless shooting in this court I’Hjlift tHe scalp of the galoot that deceit. Now go ahead with the case.”

AN OLD MAN’S SOKBOW. “Alas!" the old man sighed, with bended head, “What brilliant dreams ol life ifafe come and tied: How have I yearned for fame, and o’er-and o’er * Spent sleepless nights in searching burning And now in’weary age I simply find < oiks say : ‘He is a man of t rilliant mind, He's deeply read in philosophic bookJP£ And mathematics, with its turns and cßfoks To him is like a volume all unsealed. Its pages opened and its truths revealbd’ The books he writes are read by learned*jny>n Who wait impatient while he wields ■ * But this, alas, no music has for me When great men on every hand I see. Oh! why on knowledge did 1 waste nrejaU, Instead of learning how to play base-DalM* —Merchant Traveler. .