Democratic Sentinel, Volume 11, Number 30, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 26 August 1887 — HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR.

Ship bred—Sailors. A game leg—Hindquarter of venison. War fare—Corned beef and hardtack. A harder thing to keep than a secret —money. It is not admitted that the sea duck is the most seductive of its kind. A man always thinks he is on the wrong tack when he sits down on one. “Yes,” said Mrs. Seldomhit, “I keep off the evil spirits now by wearing an omelet around my neck.”— New Orleans Times-Dtmocrat. My daughter,” exclaimed a fashionable mother, “is innocence itself. You can’t say anything in her presence that will make her blush.” The unhappy Baltimorean already imagines he hears the brakeman cryiny: “Baltimore! twenty minutes for dinner!”— Courier Journal. A new story by Nathaniel Hawthorne is announced. Hugh Conway is not going to have the posthumous business all to himself.— Pittsburg Chronicle. “Alas !” said the heavy tragedian mournfully, as he stepped from one railroad tie to another. “These are the times that try men’s soles.”— Siflings. What are the last teeth that come?” asked a teacher of her class in physiology. “False teeth, mum,” replied a boy who had just wakened up on the back seat. Nothing suggests the arrival of the millennium more forcibly than the sight of an old tomcat sleeping peacefully by the fireplace with his head resting on a bootjack. New-Yorker (to Dakota man) —You have a good deal of snow in Dakota, I suppose? Dakotan—Oh, no; it never gets so deep that we can’t tell what kind of a day it is by looking out of the chimney’tops.— New York Sun. “In case of an accident, Doctor—a broken leg, for instance—what is the best to be done while waiting for the physician?” “Well,” said the Doctor, I think the best thing to be done is to get his money ready for him.”— Puck. A fireman who had rendered efficient service in fighting the fire fiend in a Western city recently died. His companions sent a floral pillow on which was inscribed: “He has gone to his last fire. ” The widow rejected tho tribute.”— Troy Budget. Our little Jack, when in possession of his high chair and his Noah’s ark, with which he was much interested, ceased his play one day and gave us the benefit of the following conclusion: “Horses and cows and dogs have legs to keep their stomachs up.” A preacher was wont to be rather wandering in his remarks. One day he asked a lady what his hearers thought of his sermons. “Well, if you must know,” said she, “they say that if the text had the small-pox the sermon was in no danger of catching it.” Visitor (to Flossie) —“And how is the baby to-day, Flossie?” Flossie—“Mamma thinks he is a little better.” Visitor—“ Then he is not much better?” Flossie—“No, ma’am. He couldn’t be very much better, you know, because he is such a little bit of a baby. ” Gontran (to his doctor) —“You attended my uncle; he died and I inherited his fortune. I owe you a great deal, indeed.” Doctor (thinking he saw a chance to increase his bill),— “And your wife ?” “Oh! I had forgotten. You cured her —so we’re quits.” —Paris Charivari. A true story is told of an old New Hampshire doctor, who was one day consulted by a man suffering from rheumatism. The physician gave him copious advise, and ended with directions so concisely put as to be easily memorized. “Avoid dampness,” he said. “Yes sir.” “Keep warm; keep your feet dry and remember what I’ve said about flannels.” “Yes, sir.” “Take the medicine with absolute regularity. Here is the prescription. The man expressed his thanks, paid his fee, and took his leave. As he reached the door the doctor called: “Oh, by the way, if any of these things help you, just give me a call and tell me. I’ve had rheumatism for over twenty years, and nothing has ever helped me yet. Good morning.”— Youth’s Companion.