Democratic Sentinel, Volume 11, Number 26, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 29 July 1887 — HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR.

Wondeb if dentists ever extract cube roots? •- Regular old timers— Dutch hall clocks. A valuable old sovereign—Emperor William. It is foolish to bandy words with a chemist; he always has a retort handy. An old fisherman insists that “sab mon in all his glory” is the correct reading. The woman with a disagreeable bang is she who hammers on a piano in the house next door. The preacher lives by the golden rule, the printer by the brass rule, and the teacher by the ferrule. However much actors may quarrel, they generally have to “make up” before they come upon the stage. A farmer once called his cow “Zephyr,” She seemed such an amiable hephyr. When the farmer drew near, She kicked off his ear, And now the old farmer’s much dephyr. —Dry Goods Chronicle. Litebaby man (laughingly)—Yes, I took to literature naturally. I was vaccinated from a quill, you know. Friend (grimly) —Ha! The world would have been the gainer if you had been vaccinnated from a pick or shovel. “Did you say, sah dat dis intment will kill bed-bugs in any stage ?” “Yes, sir, my mixture is sure death to roaches and bugs of every description, and will destroy them in any stage.” “I keeps a bo’ain’ house, sah; and will it answer in a bo’din’ house just de same as in a stage ?” Thebe was a feud between the 4-year-old young lady and her aunt, which came at last to declared hostilities. But the little lady knelt down at night and said her prayers: “Bless papa and bless mamma, aDd”—there came a long, ominous pause—“bless auntie; but if you can’t bless her it doesn’t matter.” “Mamie,” said a young man in an ice-cream saloon, toying with his check, “do you know r that a chemist has discovered tyrotoxicon in ice-cream ?” “Has he, though?” answered Mamie, manifesting pleasurable surprise. “I wondered what made it taste so good. I could eat another plate of it.” And the young man mentally cursed the lamentable failure of his scheme. “What is the difference,” asked the bronzed stork on the bracket, “between sauerkraut and mince pie ?” “J don’t know,” answered the little bisque Phyllis on the mantel, unless it’s because they are both Dutch to me.” “No,” replied the stork, because one is mixed with the feet and the other is fixed with the meat.” But Phyllis said that was hardly a fain-one, because she never knew before how they made sauerkraut.— Burdette.

“Yes,” said Mrs. de Hobson, “Clara had an excellent opportunity to visit Europe last year in company with some friends; but I could'n’t bear the idea of having the ocean between us.” “It seems a pity, Mrs. de Hobson,” responded the caller; “a European trip does give such tone to a society young lady.” “I know it does. To those moving in the high circfes that we do it is almost a necessity. I s’pose,” continued Mrs. de Hobson, half regretfully, “that I should have let her went.”— Puck. It is said that when you touch a man’s pocket you touch his soul, but how was it before pockets were invented ? The ancients knew nothing of pockets. The condition of a little 7-year-old ancient with no pocket in which to store away his marbles, jack-knife, top, fish-hooks, jews-harp, mouth organ, ink stopper, jumping jack, bean blower, gum, slate pencil, loose matches, etc., must have been pitiful. Before pockets came into fashion purses were suspended from the girdle. Thieves cut them away and then cut off with them, hence the term cut-purse is much older than that of pickpocket. —Texas Siftings.