Democratic Sentinel, Volume 11, Number 23, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 8 July 1887 — HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR.

What is better than a promising young man ? A paying one. Ax appropriate name for an engineer on a cable car would be Agrippa. Exglish sparrows make tough pies—sort of gutter-percher, as it were. Ax ape has a short tail—one example in nature of a hasty conclusion. David killed Goliath by means of a sling. Men are often knocked oat yet by a gin-sling. The latest style of hand-organ has only one stop, it begins in the morning and stops at night. It is said that the reason a girl loves a sewing machine so much is because there is a feller in it. Pretzel’s Weekly: Derear-marks of a yackass dond could deach der sendimends us his hind foots. Pomeroy’s Democrat: The best kind of parlor magic is that which converts gloom into sunshine. Someoxe says the major portion of the Confederate armies were officers. Of course they were. They are in every other army. “Johxxy,” said a fond mother to her boy, “which would you rather do, speak French or Spanish?” “I would rather,” said Johnny, rubbing his waistband and looking expressively at the table, “I would rather talk Turkey.”— Texas Siftings. “Now, Johxxy,” said the patient teacher, “put away that pocket-knife and pay attention to what I am saying. If you had an apple whirh you wished to divide with your little sister, how much would you give her ?” “I’d give her the core,” said Johnny.— Harper's Bazar.

Little Dot —“What does Mr. Nicefellow go to your house so often for?” Little Dick —“He wants to marry Nell.” “Is they engaged?” “No.” “Did he say he wanted to marry her?” “No.” “Then how do you know he does?” “O! He acts so like a fool.” —Omaha World. There was an unusually large attendance at the various .churches last Sunday. The ladies all had new bonnets and new dresses, you know, and the dear creatures couldn’t stay away. It is awfully hard to serve the Lord in an old hat. — C. V. Walls, in Newman Independent. “I am so pleased!” said Clara to her little friend. “Last Saturday they gave me such a beautiful doll for a birthday present.” “Ah! you still play with dolls. I don’t; i am too big now." “And what have you done with yours ?” “I have locked it in the cupboard. It will do for my children.” “But suppose you have no children?” “lhen it will go to my grandchildren.”

• A CONUNDRUM. “Conundrum! Guess it if you can, And tell me, John, the answer, Wherein a clumsy printer man Is like an honest dancer.” “I have it, Jane!” "You haven’t, though, I’d make a dozen bets.” “One of them.sets the forms, you know; The other forms the sets. ” “Sharp answer, dear, but not the one Wrought by my mental caper— One of them pays the piper, John; The other pies the paper.” — Printers' Circular.

“When tlie other train struck,” explained the fireman to the President of a Dakota railroad, “it disabled both the engineer’s arms, but he got hold of the whistle rope with his teeth before he died and hung on, and she howled till we cut our way to him, pried open his jaw, and removed his body. ” “Er —well—yes,” replied the President, “but I don’t exactly see what good that did.” “Why, we were inside the city limits, and it was early on Sunday morning. There’s an ordinance against locomotives whistling, you know.” “Certainly, I see the point. H’e was a brave and faithful man, and I’ll see that is taken care of, just for this one heroic act if for nothing else.”— Dakota Bell.

Elevator accidents are common, and are often traced directly to the victim himself. It frequently happens that four or five men get on a freight elevator and start up to their work. Skylarking and scuffling is going on as a matter of course, and when a man reaches the landing at the floor whereon he works, he is very apt to give his neighbor a punch in the ribs or knock his hat down over his eyes, and then make a jump for the landing without taking the trouble to stop the elevator. If a foot slips, or the man stumbles, there is every chance for an accident. Perhaps it is a broken ankle, or a dislocated shoulder, but sometimes it is death. There is great danger from such actions while the elevator is ascending, but there is still more danger while the elevator is going down. Then a misstep when leaping out of the car may cause a person to be caught between the landing and bottom of the car, when a horribly mangled body is almost surely the result. In the mill, how often a man runs the risk of getting caught in a belt, rather than put himself to a little extra trouble and be perfectly safe. Long familiarity with the dangerous belt had perhaps given a sense of security to the victim, and before he is aware he is torn or killed.