Democratic Sentinel, Volume 11, Number 17, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 27 May 1887 — HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR.

The beer drinker would seem to be his own worst enemy in that he maltreats himself so persistently. Why is x the most unfortunate of letters ? Because it is always in a fix, and never out of perplexity. One of the most forcible stump orators that ever took the field is the farmer whose plow strikes a snag. Mebchants don’t always give themselves away in trade, but they frequently exhibit signs of gilt outside their stores. “That was a very long story that Colonel Sozzle told after dinner,” said one club man to another. “Yes,” was the reply, “and I am sorry to say it was as broad as it was long.” Boston landlord (to porter)—“See if the gentlemen in parlor F have finished discussing their dinner.” Porter (returned) —“Dey is frn eatin’, boss, hut dey ain’t done cussin’ it yet. ” “Madame,” said the tramp, “I’m hungry enough to eat raw dog." “Well,” she responded, kindly suiting the action to the word, “i’ll whistle some np for you.” The tramp left, taking his appetite with him. A man wanted a horse to ride in the park. “Do you want a spirited animal ?” asked the livery man. “No, not very.” “What do you want, then ?” “I want a horse that looks a great deal more spirited than he really is.” Some remarkable stories have been told under the head of “Antipathies,” hut the most remarkable we ever heard was that of the man who could not sleep in church because the nap was worn off his overcoat-collar. In Bavaria the Mayor of a little village was ordered by the higher authorities to make out a list of the dogs kept by the inhabitants. He did so, and the list read as follows: The schoolteacher—a dog; the pastor—a dog; the doctor—a dog; myself—a dog; all of us together—four dogs. Tom —“l don’t see why so many people make a fuss over that Miss Jones; she isn’t any better-looking or as nice as some of the other girls.” Harry—- “ That’s true, my dear boy, but her pa is a millionaire. That’s why she carries so high a head.” Tom-“O, that’s it, is it? She holds up her head by a cheque reign.”— Boston Budget. Mississippi general — “Sav, Mr. Secretary, not long ago we asked for a couple of the biggest cannon in the country for the State militia to practice with at our annual camp.” Secretary of War-“ That’s all right. I attended to it.” “But they have not arrived yet.” “That’s queer. Guess the Postmaster must have put them in the wrong box.”— Omaha World. Mrs'. was in trouble about something she had said, and a lady was talking to her about it. “I don’t think,” sobbed Mrs. 8., “that I ever made such a remark.” “I beg your pardon, my dear,” replied her friend, “but I bear'd you say it.” “Well, perhaps I did, but if I did, it was an ignis fatuus, and I don’t think I ought to be blamed for it.”—Washington Critic.

“Why do you want to run for Aiderman?” was asked of a young man afflicted with the mania last night. “To humble family pride, my dear boy, ” was the answe”. “I think I am a pretty good fellow, and so does my family. After the election is over I am going to compile all the bad things said about me, and with Poo-Bali exclaim: ‘Ah, family pride, take that!’ Every time I get too exalted opinions of myself I shall take that prescription. It will prevent my floating into the ether some time.”— Elmira Gazette.