Democratic Sentinel, Volume 11, Number 4, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 25 February 1887 — HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR.

While “man never is, but always to be blessed,” he is continually cursed. Be it in time of war or peace, the cannon-maker’s business can be made to boom. Why is “X” the most unfortunate of letters? Because it is always in a fix, and never out of perplexity. A coal stove is a cast-iron paradox. It won’t burn unless you put it up; then it won’t burn unless you shake it down. As you can now get 200 quinine pills for a dollar, we should say that quinine is getting to be a drug in the market. —Puck. A fashionable young lady says she always enjoys the transatlantic voyage because she makes the acquaintance of so many swells. A lyre five feet high has been found by Dr. Schliemann. We have bigger lyres in this country, but they are not spelled that way. “Yes,” observed Mrs. Grap, “we kinder got tired of gas, and now we’re goin’ to have the house lit with clandestine electric lights.” “I see young Quinine has gone out of the apothecary business and become a letter-carrier.” “Yes, he was fairly driven by poverty from pillar to post. ” “Is this a trunk line?” asked the summer girl at the railway station. “No,” replied the ticket agent, “it is a branch.” “Oh, I’m so sorry; for I wanted to take four trunks along with me!” “O, Clara,” said Maud, “Charley took me sleigh-riding last night. I had such fun. I drove.” “What was the matter with Charley ?” “Stupid! He couldn’t drive with his teeth, could he?”

A Vermont paper says: “The ’popularity of husking-bees is very great this season.” That’s all right, but our experience has shown that there is not much enjoyment in attempting to husk a good healthy bee. An authority on the cuisine says that duck ought not to stand long after being roasted. Probably it would do no harm to let the duck sit up if it isn’t too tired, but it shouldn’t be allowed to swim in the gravy. At the minstrels: Bones—“Do you know what a Caucasian is, Mr. Jones?” Interlocutor—“ Certainly, sir; lam a Caucasian.” Bones—“Wid dad brack face of yours ? Sho!” Interlocutor — “Yes, sir. Burnt-corka-sian!”— Judge. She —“Why, Charles, how can you call Miss James plain? I wish I was half as good-looking as she is.” He—- “ You are, Hattie, and you know it.** At last advices Hattie was endeavoring to decide whether she ought to be pleased or offended at the compliment. Parson Squire—“l understand, Deacon, that the church carpet is being ruined by dripping umbrellas. ” Deacon Goode—“lt is so; Parson, and something has got to be done.” “Why not have a rack in the vestibule and leave the umbrellas there instead of carrying them to the seats ?” “I am afraid it would spoil the solemnity of the benediction.” “You think so?” “Yes; everybody would want to be first out to get the best ones. ” First Omaha dame—“ And so Miss Pretty is going to marry the Count de Luna?” Second Omaha dame—“ Yes, the Count thinks her father is well off, but he’ll be dreadfully taken in on that. You see, the Count stopped at the St. Blank Hotel, and as Miss Pretty’s father is the night clerk there the Count naturally supposed from his actions that he owned the whole establishment.” “Yes, I see—hadn’t been in this country long.” “No.” “Well, Miss Pretty is a strong, healthy girl, but I don’t believe she’ll like taking in washing.”— Omaha World.