Democratic Sentinel, Volume 10, Number 46, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 17 December 1886 — HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR.

A fashion journal says “bows o* chairs have had their day.” Yes, but they still continue to make a night of it— Burlington Free Press. Young Wilkins intends to form a mutual defense and protective association composed of one member, as his father’s hands are too often on tb strike. A colored woman M-as heard this morning informing a neighbor that last night’s storm frightened her so that she “shook like an ashpan.”— Pi tsburgh Chronicle. “You’ve eaten next to nothing,” lisped Smithers, who was dining with his girl. “Oh, I always do that when i sit bv you,” responded the young lady pleasantly. “Look ’ere, al!” yelled a Texas woman to the oldest girl, “don’t bend over that well so fur. You’ll fall in some day, and then we’ll have to drink from the crick.” The private soldiers fought the bath ties .of tiie war, and they can afford to let the Generals have a little of the monthly magazine glory for the next fifty years.— New Orleans Picayune. Husband (handing his wife soaie money)—“There, dear, is SSO, and it has bothered me some to get it for you. I think I deserve a little praise.” Wise —“Prase? You deserve an encore, my dear.” Young Harley Quinn was complaining of his boarding-house fare. “Then you don’t fancy hash'?” asked his friend Tom. “It isn’t the hash I object to,” the other returned, mournfully, “it’s the rehash. Fond mother (to bachelor uncle) — “Why, John, don’t let the baby play with that gold toothpick. He’ll swallow it.” Bachelor uncle—“Oh, that won’t do any harm. I have a string tied to it so, so I can’t lose it. No man can realize what a low-lived, miserable, disgusting game base-ball is until he lias been a volunteer umpire, and has had his head split open for deciding right, when the hoodlum Side of the game happened to be wrong.— New Orleans Picayune. The evident agitation of the young man in the picture is not caused by his having experienced a change of heart; but by his having accidentally rung the new “chestnut gong” on his vest just as the minister made a strong point in his sermon. —Puck. Young wife—“ Dearest, isn’t this milk nice and rich?” Young husband —“Yes, much better than we have had. How did you manage?” Young wife, (enthusiastically)—“l engaged a new milkman who guarantees his milk, and I have bought enough to last a week.” A merchant called at the office of a Missouri weekly paper, with the copy of an advertisement, and asked the clerk to insert it. “Sorry, but I can’t do it; the paper’s full.” “Where’s the proprietor ? I think he would run it in.” “Impossible, sir; he’s full, too.” — St. Louis Whip. Mrs. Bullion to the principal of the school attended by her daughter—- “ Dear Madam: My daughter Clarice informs me that last year she was obliged to study vulgar fractions. Please do not let this happen again. If the dear child must study fractions let them be as refined as possible.”— Tlie Rambler. Captain Peckesec (to one of his sergeants)—“You were out drinking, yesterday, with a couple of privates.” fcergeant— “Captain, it was to prevent them getting drunk.” Captain —“What do you mean?” Sergeant—“ They had four 1 ters of wine between them. That was too much for two men. I restored the balance.”— Le Rappel. An old gentleman caller at the house of little Hattie’s father was possessed of one of those mortifying sort of noses on the end of which sometimes is a crvstal-like drop dangling and quivering. Hattie watched this obtrusive drop with absorbing interest. She saw it removed with the gentleman’s handkerch es two or three times, but \\ hen it appeared for the fourth time the gehtleman did not seem to notice it. After a few moments of anxiety Hattie gave utterance to this pleasing bit of information: “Say, man, it’s come again.”— Detroit Free Press. at the barber’s. The unsuspecting victim took the chair, And said, “Pray shave my chin and cut my hair ’’ The barber cough9d, his throat at once ho cleared. And, as the squirming victim’s locks he sheared, His throttle-valve of speech he opened wide, And from his lips poured forth a wordy tide. He talked on all the topics of the time : 1 eligion, pol tics, the woather, labor, crime. And praised—discussing topics such as those, His “hair restorer” in parentheses. Tho victim sighed at timos and then grew still. At length the barber asked if he was ill. He answered not. The barber in al jrm Passed round the chair and raised the victim’s arm, Then from the artist’s cheek the color fled; He saw at once his customer was dead. Yes, deal; tho man had yielded up his breath. The jury gavo the vovdict—“talkod to death.” —Boston Courier.