Democratic Sentinel, Volume 10, Number 33, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 17 September 1886 — HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR.

The fall came early in Eden. Noose-paper—a death warrant. An apple pie is New England civilization with a crust on. No woman can lace herself as tight as a man can drink himself. It is quite a mistake to imagine that a “split in the camp” occurs, as a rule, with “crack regiments.” “This is something I have just dashed off,” said the farmer’s wife as she took the butter from the churn. The publisher of a weekly paper in a small town who thinks he discovers a “crying need” of a daily is apt to find a need of crying if he starts one.— Texas Siftings. At a recent meeting of the Montana bar association a paper was read by a leading attorney on “The Revolver as a Means of Making Difficult Collections.” —Estelline Bell. Undertaker—-And what kind of trimmings will you have on the casket ? Widow—None whatever: a plain casket. It was trimmin’s that killed him. U.— What? W.—Yes. Deliriumtrimmin’s. —Bos ton Courier. Habdacre was wearily watching a most villainously poor game of baseball. “What are they?” he asked. “They are picked nines,” replied the scorer. “Then,” said the suffering spectator, “they were picked before they werejripe.”— Burdette. A Texas teacher was calling the roll. Just as he called out “Robert Smith,” Robert himself lushed in out of breath, and answered: “Here, s r!” “Robert, next time you must not answer to your name unless you are here.” “Yes, sir, I’ll try not to.”— Texas Siftings.

“Charley,” said young Mrs. Tucker to her husband, “I don’t mind your drinking once in a while, as long as you eat plenty of cloves, but I do hope you will always drink nice, pure sweet whisky. I saw a sign in the street the other day which says, ‘Whisky Sours,’ and I know the stuff must be unhealthy after it sours.”— Traveler. Hight Toned Patient—“Well,Doctor, what kind of a glass eye are you going to give me ?” Doctor—“ Oh, one of the ordinary kind that will match your other optic.” High-toned Patient—- “ Well, if it is all the same to you, Doctor, I think I’d prefer a little better one than the ordinary kind. How would plate-glass go?”— Tid-Bits. “I see, ” he said, as he met an old soldier comrade, “that our generals are having a hot dispute as to which of them contributed the most to save the day at Gettysburg. You were there, I believe?” “Yes, but I have no right to talk.” “For why?” “Because I was simply a private soldier, and only had three bullets shot into me!”— Detroit Free Press. “Why can not we,” said a longheaded citizen, “have a subterranean hotel at Niagara, underneath the American Falls, with a piazza looking out upon the vast sheet of falling water ? All that is necessary is to sink a shaft on Goat Island, tunnel straight out under the channel, put in iron pillars if necessary, to support the ceiling, and construct any sort of an observation platform you p ease, facing the fall from the rear. What more delicious place can you imagine in which to pass a sultry afternoon ? A portion of the veranda might be shut off from the spray by means of plateglass doers, so no change of clothing would be necessary for those who dislike dampness.”— Buffalo Courier.