Democratic Sentinel, Volume 10, Number 32, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 10 September 1886 — HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR.

It’s not th® clock with the loudest tick that goes the best. When is a thief like a seamstress? When he cuts and runs. “Great men often rise from small beginnings.” says a writer. How true! Even George Washington was a little baby at one time.— Puck. Thirty-two hundred babies are born in the United States every day, •nd yet people wonder where all the squalls and cyclones come from. Duck eggs forty years old were eaten at a recent marriage celebration in North Carolina. The bride was probably preparing her husband for washday dinners. Parker—“ Why is friendship like a New York monument fund?” Eli — “Don’t see it. Give it up.” Parker—- “ Because it is a creature of slow growth.”— Free Press. Before a young man takes to himself a wife whose relations are numerous and near, he should pass a few hours in a boiler factory when the thought first strikes him. Much as Mark Twain loves financial success it gives him a twinge to read that he is “more notable as a very shrewd and clever business man than he is as a humorist.”— Texas Siftings. “Oh, Why Should They Bury Me Deep ?” is the title of some verses sent to this office by a Minnesota poetess. After reading the poem the reason seems clear enough to us. — Estelline Bell. “What is James doing now-a-days, Mrs. btephens?” “James is following the races this year. ” “But I thought I|saw him in town to-day?” “Yes, you see he follows them by telegraph. ” Tid-Bits. Young Featherly had been imparting some information to Mrs. de Towser which interested that lady very much. “I am quite surprised, Mr. Featherly,” she said, “to hear of this. It only shows that—that ” “One is never too old to learn?” prompted Featherly, gallantly.— Bazar. Mrs. de Hobson Clarke (who flatters herself upon her youthful appearance) —“You would scarcely think, Mr. Dumley, that the stalwart young fellow near the piano is my son, would you?” Dumley gallantly—“No, indeed, Mrs. Clarke; it seems absolutely impossible. Ah —er —is he your eldest son ?” — Bazar.

“Gus,” said a fast young man to a companion, “if you had to be dunned every day, where would you rather be dunned, down in the street, or up in your room?” “Up in my room, of course.” “Because you don’t want everybody to know it?” “No, it’s not that; but what I want is the satisfaction of kicking the fellow down stairs.”— Texas Siftings. Old Farmer —“Well, John, since you’ve got through with college and got home to us again, mother and me would lilqe you to give us a little exhibition of your learning. It will make mother feel proud, I know, to see how you have ad van. ed.” Son —“All right, father; if you’ve got a bat and ball and you’ll do the pitching, we’ll begin right away.”— Boston Courier. “So, Uncle Jack, you don’t much believe in the idea that men are called to preach.” “Wall, sah, de Lawd mout call some niggers ter preach, but it sorter ’peers ter me dat whar de Lawd calls one, ole man Laziness calls er dozen. Nine nigger preachers outen ten is de lazies’ pussens in de worl’.” “How do you know, Uncle Jack?” “’Casel’se er preacher merse’f, sah.” —Arkansaw Traveler. COUNSEL FOR DEFENDANT. He could bombard any jury with warm pathos and great fury, and convince them that his client wasn’t guilty ot the charge ; He could cabbage a retainer, making sure of the remainder when his client was acquitted. And 'twas usually large. He could manage a venire with a challenge that was fiery, or cross-question and witness in a manner that was cross ; He could show the Judge that hia ruling showed a lack of legal schooling, and refer him to the statute in the late amended laws. He could sass the opposition till they wished . him in perdition, and could sling them outing answers at a most illegal rate, For his case was always surest, and his client was the purest, and seemed always in his glory when he bucked against the State. He was handy with a capias, or a writ of corpus habeas, or could get a change of venue if stern justice looked too sure, He could quote from Coke and Chitty, with his own additions, witty, till the Judge would use his mallet, and the room be in a roar. But the Sheriff, Death, has called him, and in his last case installed him (rosewood), and himself is suppliant at the Bar of Last Resort; And unto the great evangel he will swear he was an angel; plead his own case with great fervor, there before a higher court. Those who knew him are quite sure he will confound the high-born jury till he causes a division o'er the question: “Is he washed ?’ And by force of all his pleadings, get a stay in the proceedings till the prosecution wearies and the old indictment’s quashed. —Detioit Free Press.

It is reported from Nevada that a farmer in that State has bored a well that “sucks in air, and makes a loud, whistling noise.” The report does not say whether the farmer was pleased at having bored a well of th s sort, merely intimating that he was considerably surprised. If he had been an ancient Chinese, he would have been pleased, for that people, it is said, believed that life was prolonged by “swallowing the breath,” or accumulating air in the system ; and if they had caught the earth swallowing its breath, they undoubtedly would have considered it a good omen. The “vital aura” was what the ancient Chinese used to call the air thus acquired. They would have been profoundly impressed by the circumstance of Mother Earth drinking in the vital aura with a loud, whistling noise. Eakly marriages are encouraged among the French Canadians, and it is the rule for girls to marry when they reach their fifteenth or sixteeeth year.