Democratic Sentinel, Volume 10, Number 25, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 23 July 1886 — HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR.

A hotel should never advertise that “it stands without arrival. ” When does a man impose upon himself? When he taxes his memory. A man may be ashamed of the fashion of his nose,, although he follows it. There is a time for all things. The time to leave is when a young lady asks you how the walking is. Kisses are the right kind of smacks to sail down the stream of life with, although taking a buss is not bad. It is a bad idea to make one enemy in order to secure two friends, for, long after the friends have forgotten you, the enemy holds you in active recollection.—Arkansaw Traveler. A correspondent who signs herself “Nervous Girl” writes to ask us if we can tell her of any remedy to cure a tickling sensation about the face. Certainly; ask him to cut his mustache off. —Lynn Union. They were parting at the door; the rain was falling, and ehe was afraid that he would get wet and take cold. “1 think you should ride home, ” she said; “take a car or a ’bus.” “I’m just going to take a bus,” he sa d. and he did, as bold as brass.— Boston Courier. The most industrious letters are the Bees. The most extensive letters—the Seas. The most fond of comfort—the Ease. The most egotistical letters —the i’s. The noisiest letters —the J’s. The poorest letters—the G’s. The greatest bores—the Teas. The sensible letters—the Wise. A Montana paper speaks of the lightning striking a prominent citizen just as he was coming out of a saloon. That thunderbolt may have been waiting for years to get at him; the only way the electric fluid will ever get a smite at many Montana men will be to go right in and mow them down in front of the bar .—Estelline Bell. a warning. That Boston Bluebeard pinched his wife, And in a room did jam her, Because—O, -what an awful crime ! She sometimes used bad grammar. Now, maidens dear, before you wed A man who might begin whacks, Be sure that you are posted well On prosody and syntax. —New York Morning Journal. Three-year-old Maggie had never seen anyone who was quite bald except her grandfather, whom she had once or twice visited. A gentleman called one day to see her father, and, taking off’ his liat, showed a very bald head. Maggie regarded him wonderingly for a while, and, finally, venturing nearer, asked curiously: “Is that your head ?”— Harper's Bazar. “Lotta money!” remarked Schoeppenstedt, sententicusly, when Mrs. Sclioeppenstedt informed him that Miss Crabtree is worth a million. But he was sorrv afterward that he said it. for Mrs. Sclioeppenstedt went into hysterics and did not recover until after he had repentantly hung out the washing and cleaned out all the ashes in the kitchen stove.— Somerville Journal. “Did you say your husband was a poet, Mrs. Dolt?” “Yes’m, and a very eccentric one indeed.” “How so, Mrs. Dolt?” “Why, he had a passion for posthumous poetry, and he would ,’t write any thing else. ” “Indeed! Then his works have not been published yet?” “Bless you, yes! He was very prompt about such things, and always attended to them himself.” — Yonkers Gazette. SHE didn’t FEEL LIKE TALKING. Ho stood b. neath her window there, While gazed upon him from above The eyes ot her he deemed most fair In the bright brilliancy of love. “Oh speak to me !” the young man cried, “Oh, speak to me ! Why art thou still V" Sho only answered with a sigh, And leaned upon the window-sill. “By all the vows of fondest love, By all our plighted hopes and fears, Oh. Bpeak to me, my dear! My dove t” She only answered with her tears. Why stood she silent? What the cause To leave her lover in his doubt? She did not dare to move her jaws, Her new false teeth had fallen outt —Lynn Union. A fable : An estimable old groundhog, wishing to ascertain the opinions' of the neighbors about himself, had a bogus congestive chill, and falling on the ground, pretended to be dead. He was buried on the following day, but scratched his way out of the grave and went in disguise to hear his own funeral sermon preached. The d s ourse was so complimentary that the ground hog was puffed up with vanity, and having bought a cane and an eye-glass, he became a dude. Moral—This fable teaches the dangers of flattery.— Life.