Democratic Sentinel, Volume 10, Number 22, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 2 July 1886 — HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR.

An envelope is like a woman. * It can’t go anywhere without address. Down-East singing masters always look oat for the Maine chants. If yon are waiting for something to turn up just step on a barrel-hoop. Mr. Faintheart —Do you think it would be safe for me to approach your pa on the subject? Miss hair Lady — Oh, perfectly, he has the gout again. —Chicago News. Hippopotamuses are down as low as $5,000 apiece; but until they come down to $5.50 they will be classed among the luxuries in poor families, who will try to worry along with two or three dogs. “What has become of the bootjack?” said Towser, savagely, as he knocked things about. “I had it last night.” “It’s on the mantel-piece,” replied Mrs. Towser. “I covered it with plush today and painted some flowers on it. Isn’t it lovely ?”

IN MEMORIAM. A bicycle—a boy; Great pleasure, great joy; A stone in a street— Stone and wheel meet. A bicycle—no boy; No pleasure, no joy. A funeral—sad tale! A bicycle for sale. —Norristown Herald.

“Papa,” said little Johnny Upstart to his father as the two were gardening one very warm morning; “papa! didn’t you say that yesterday was a very raw day?” “I believe I did, my son.” “An’ don’t you think that if "it had stayed here till now it’d be pretty well cooked by this time?” —Yonkers Gazette.

First Boy—“My pa blows a horn in the band.” Second Boy—“ That ain’t nothin’.” F. B.—“ Mischief it ain’t; mo’an your ole pa can do. My pa goes to parties an’ picnics an’ your ole pa can’t go there.” S. B.—“ Yes, an’ my pa is in the penitentiary an’ your ote pa can’t go there either.” —Arkansaw Traveler.

“Aren’t executions a part of your duties that you’d rather dispense with?” asked an Eastern friend of a M ssouri sheriff. “I never perform any executions.” “Why, I thought nearly all sheriffs were occasionally obliged to hang some one?” “You forget that this is Missouri. All I have to do is to make a show of defending the jail keys and then handing them over to the boys at last. They attend to everything after that.” —histelline Bell.

Fair Applicant—“l desire, sir, an absolute separation from my husband.” Attorney—“ Upon what ground, madam, do you base your plea?” “We are not suited to each other. He does not appreciate the finer sensibilities of my more delicately organized natu e, and —but perhaps that is sufficient. ” “I fear, madam, in the absence of more substantial cause for complaint, an action would not lie.” “Not lie! It is you, sir, I engage for that purpose.”— Tid-Bits. Tea is said to be adulterated with old rubber shoes chopped into small pieces a d twisted and colored to resemble the Oriental leaf; there are other adulterations, such as nutgalls, iron filings, granulated wood and many other ingredients more or less harmi'ui, but the fact does not interfere a bit with the customs of society. The “Yum-Yum teas” are still held, and the ladies continue to drink the tongueloosening tipple to the accompaniment of the latest gossip without its apparently doing them any harm. —Boston Courier.

THE POET. The orthodox poet and slinger of meter Bhould be a sound sleeper and vigorous eater; join the learning of Paul to the fervor of Peter, know the balancing rhymes and the rhythmical teeter Cf lilacs and smilax, Of zephyrs and heifers, Of ballads and salads, Of over-arched bowers of greenery and flowers ; And work on on ■ rhyme for hours upon hours. Know the whole range of history from Cleveland to Priam, and the thought cf all lands from New Brunswick to Siam, and work like a drudge at a dollar per diem, love all lovely objects with no cash to buy ’em; Such as roses and posies, And mountains and fountains, And pictures and fixtures, And gorgeous pavilions foe Lauras and Lilians, And a large bank deposit far up in the millions. His lines should be full of nabobs and emirs, of giaours and khans and Oii nt dreamers, of cymbals and shawms and victorious Bteamers. and end in a climax of glory and screamers, With clashing and slashing I With roaring and pouring 1 With lunging and plunging! And burst in a chasm of blank protoplasm! In a gunpowder chaos and dynamite spasm! —Tid Bits.