Democratic Sentinel, Volume 10, Number 18, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 4 June 1886 — HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR.

A good listener is always popular, and, besides, his tongue seldom leads him into trouble. Customer —“ Give me a dozen fried oysters.” Waiter—“ Sorry, sah, but we’s all out o’ shellfish, sah, ’ceptin’s eggs.” By actual count it has been discovered that a man can shoe a horse in seven minutes less than a woman can shoo a hen. A merchant is going to have his name stamped on 50,000,000 toothpicks. He seems desirous of having his name in everybody’s mouth. “There’s money in mines,” says a financial exchange. We don’t "doubt it; but it is very hard to get it out sometimes.— Boston Courier. The only thing that equals the spontaneousness with which this country proposes a monument is the unanimous cordiality with which it isn’t built. “Struck by a train!” exclaimed a man as he saw his friend intently gazing at the graceful manner in which a passing beauty switched her long train about. The South Americans put up sausages in bark. Concerning this no comment is necessary, only to say that the South Americans desire io preserve every phase of the dog. A Kansas man is sawing wood in the Navy Yard at Washington. Thus the unexpected happens. He went there for a postoffice commission, and, up to date, can only say, “I came, I saw. ”

The rules of the house have been revised. Guest: “Bring me some smelt.” Waiter; “We have no smelt, but we have codfish.” “I want smelt.” “Well, sir, the codfish will be smelt as soon as it is brought in.” “Have you any reason to offfer why sentence should not be passed upon you?” asked the Judge of the female pawnbroker who had been arrested for extortion. “Please, your Honor, I throw myself on the mercy of the court. I am a poor loan woman.”— li ambler. “Go back and tell your people to send an immediate invitation to the Angel Gabriel,” was the reply of a prominent divine to the committee from a Meriden church, after they had stated he qualifications which the pastor must possess to be eligible to a call from their fastidious congregation. New London Telegraph. “Jt is easy to see that this preacher is not a college graduate,” remarked the sportin g editor . “Wh at preacher ? ” asked the horse editor. “A man in New York. He preached a sermon from ‘Where are the nine?’ ” “How does that show he is not a college graduate?” “Why, a college graduate would have the position of every base-ball club in the country right at his fingerends. ” — Pittsburgh Chronicle. Tennessee’s distinguished historian, Judge Haywood, was once presiding in a case where a woman was being tried for some offense in which the evidence was clearly against her. At the close if the trial the Judge, in giving the case to the jury, said: “Gentlemen, you have heard the evidence and you know the law.” Then, after a pause: “There is no punishment a man can inflict upon a woman and still be a man.” The woman was acquitted by the jury without leaving the box.— Jackson {Penn.) Blade. DISTANCE LENDS ENCHANTMENT She declaimed with fervid vigor on tho misery of the Digger, cut a most dramatic figure while lamenting his condition. And she aaid the bare Nnmidian, and the muchtamed Abyssirtian, and tho Cannibal and . Guinean overflowed her with contrition. And her deep sighs weighed the breezes for those lands where bread nor cheese ia for the Turks and the Chineses she was filled with deep emotion. And her ardent love was greater all the more she strove to cater to those til lies beyond the equator, or across a distant ocean. And like Rachel, that sweet Jewess, she wept tears as thick as glue is at the action of fat. Louis and Chicago’s degradation; And that these towns where such sin is, such-a race for golden guineas, might be made as good as Lynn is, was her prayer and supplication. And the wild men of Alaska or of barbarous Madagascar 6he would say, if you should ask h«.r, that she loved them deep and tender, While her husband, luckless victim, looked as if the Fates had licked him. and', through back streets where tiny kicked him, walked about with one suspender. —Lynn Union.