Democratic Sentinel, Volume 10, Number 17, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 28 May 1886 — HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR.

A home ruler—the broom-stitk. Foot notes—shoe and leather “paper.” A see change—putting on green goggles. Drawing instruments—mustard plasters. The rumor that “the world moves’* because it is cheaper to move than to pay rent is denied. A rule that works both ways—when ‘ a fleet goes out on a cruise the crews go out on the fleet. The members of a debating society must arise when arguing a case because they stand to reason. If love is blind, as some folks say, how is it that spoony couples always persist in turning the parlor lamp so low? Johnnie’s teacher asked him to tell her what “he drinks” would be in the future tense. “He is drunk!” said the boy. The average life of a locomotive is thirty years. It must pain a locomotive to know that it will never be old enough to be a ballet-dancer, even if it had the necessary limbs. A physician in Missouri has his sleigh drawn by a team of elks. That isn't the only dear thing about his visits, either. He has a right to charge double for his medical cervuses. A Brownsville (Tex.) paper calls the Mexican raiders into Texas “brazen banditti. ” The press dispatches stated that the banditti were mounted, but not that they were brass-mounted. Says a scientific writer*. “On a clear night about three thousand stars are visible to the naked eyed. A 1 ke number in the opposite hemisphere makes a total of about six thousand that can be seen without a glass.” We’ll bet that that fellow never attended a skating rink or fell on a pavement.—California Maverick. Isn’t this train about two hours late ?” asked a passenger of the conductor on a branch Dakota road. “Yes, I reckon ’bout that much.” “Well, what’s the trouble?” “Oh, it’s Monday.” “What’s that got to do with it?” “Why, you see I can’t never get as good a start Monday morning—have to ’tend the baby while my wife gets out the washing, you know. Just you wait till tomorrow morning, and I’ll pull out before sunrise.” — Estelline Bell. TWO PICTURES. Pretty girl Ou the street. Cherry lips, Oh, so sweet. Dashing fellow, Looks so nice. Falls in love In a thrice. Tips his hat, Makes a mash, Eats ice cream, Spends his cash. Better man Cuts him out. Dashing fellow Up the spout. Girl marr’es Better man. Gets ioe cream— If she can. Daslflng fellow Has his cash. Better man Gone to smash. THE FEMALE ORGAN-GRINDER. She was but an organ-grinder, with a little dog behind her, and a monkey on the organ which collected all the dimes, And her face had all the sorrow that a human face can borrow as she twisted on the handle, playing tunes to ancient rhymes. There was not a grain of pity for the woman in the city, and the boys and men about her hooted as she played away; Then I cried: “On, vagrant woman, exile from a castle Boman, battered relic of an era where your race was of the best— Tell me, now, that I have sought you, tell me, woman, what has brought you from Italian skies of azure to the deserts of the West? Has some cruel word, idly spoken, turned you, homeless and heart-broken, from those flowery vales and hollows where the Boman castles stand? Or were you some gentle maiden dwelling in an earthly Aiden, when some social revolution drove you from your lovely land? Tell me, old and battered woman, are your sorrows more than human ? Is the music that you furnish grating on a weary heart?” And the weman dropped her erg m, orying, “Is it Biddy Morgan that ye’re callin’ ould and battered? Now, begorrah, you depart 1" Note—l departed. —Walt Mason, in St. Louis Whip.