Democratic Sentinel, Volume 10, Number 15, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 14 May 1886 — HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR.

What this country needs now is fewer lays of the poet and more lays of the hen. No explorer has yet discovered the country where lived the man that wanted but little here below. No European country is complete at present and first-class in all respects unless it has a crisis on hand. A bullet travels a mile at the rate of three and one-fifth seconds, and a messenger boy travels a mile at the rate of—(?) — California Maverick. The Czar speaks three languages, but when it comes to dodging nihilistic dynamite bombs he could be just as agile in one.— San Francisco Maverick. “What is your full name?” asked the magistrate of an individual who had been absorbing more mountain dew than he could carry. “Same as when I’m sober (hie). Did yer think I changed it (hie) when I took a drink?” “Sixty days .’’—Pittsburgh Chronicle. When placed under a microscope the sting of a bee presents a polish of dazzling beauty; but when placed in the end of a man’s nose the polish is missing, and the apDearance more like that of a rat-tail file dipped in vitriol. This is official.- Chicago Ledger. “Fine sermon, wasn’t it ?” said a man to a sleepy-looking brother, as they came out of church on Sunday morning. “Yes, very fine,” gasped the.other. “Were you not struck with the brilliancy of that passage beginning, ‘Courage, ye saints ?’ ” “Oh, yes; but I was more struck with the passage beginning, ‘Finally, brethren.’” “All is over between George and myself,” said Clara, as she sank wearily into a chair; “I can not trust my future happiness to such a man. I shall write him at once that we must part.” “What is the trouble?” “I met him in the street to-day, and he wore ear-muffs.— New York Sim.

“How did you break off your front teeth?” asked a visitor of the same small boy. “I didn’t break ’em,” replied the youngster. “I was just fooling a teentv bit with a horse’s tail in the street up at C . The man that picked me up got his hands and vest awful bloody. It wasn’t my fault.”— Poston Pecord.

Lady (to tramp at the door) —“Certainly, my poor man; just go around to the kitchen door, and the cook will give you a nice piece of roast turkey and some mince pie.” Tramp (with disgust)—“There it goes again; turkey and mince pie! I ain’t had nuthin’ but turkey an’ mince pie for a week back. I’ll be glad when the holidays are over.” — New York Times.

Says the Pittsburgh Telegraph: “Wanted—A fresh mother-in-law joke that is not silly or far-fetched. Five dollars a word will be paid for it and no questions asked.” It will not be easy to supply such a joke, for there are no fresh mothers-in-law. The mother-in-law has been through the mill, she is experienced, there is no freshness about her, and that is why she is such a terror to sons-indaw.— Boston Courier.

“You are charged with playing a flute by an open window at m'dnight, to the annoyance of your neighbor,” said the magistrate; “guilty or not guilty?” “Guilty.” “Five dollars fine.” “But, your Honor,” protested the neighbor who had preferred the charge, “considering the circumstances, the fine seems insufficient. He played over and over again, ‘We Are Very Wide Awake, the Moon and I’.” “O! Fifty dollars fine.”— New York Sun.

BABY MINE. There is no joy in the world like you, No music sweet as your “goo ah-goo,” No skies so clear as your eyes of blue— Baby, O my babv. But when you ground on the secret pin And open your valve and howl like sin, No gong can equal your little din, Baby, O my baby. My heart is glad when your face I see, My joy is full when you come to me, I jaugh with you in romping glee, Baby, O my baby. And oftentimes my midnight snore Is broken short by your screaming roar, And till morning dawns we walk the floor. Baby, O my baby. —Burdette.

De Iyaggs —“Newspapers! I’m sick of them! Full of lies, every one.” Dusenbnry—“You are too severe.” “Ami? Listen to me. I had a private party at my house the other night, and just to make the neighbors feel tired I mentioned to a reporter that I had as guests a dozen prominent army and navy officers, two Judges, a Professor, and a famous traveler. Ga e the reporter their names, you understand.” “Well?” “Well, what did the paper do? Come out with an accurate account of the affair! O, I tell you the tyranny of the press is awful!”—Philadelphia Call. Courtship in Zululand has several advantages over the same sort of agreeable pastime in this country. When a Zulu girl takes a fancy to a young warrior, she leaves her father’s house, and, at dusk, stations herself before the hut of the favored one, remaining perfectly silent. If her attentions are favored, she will be asked into the hut, and remain a week or more. This obviates the necessity of the young man walking a couple of miles, perchance, along a dark and lonely road six or seven nights a week, after midnight; and the girl’s father doesn’t find his coal and gas bills augmented during the courtship. —Norristown Herald.

A spiny African caterpillar, seven inches long and of a steel-gray color, was exhibited at a recent meeting of the Linnsean Society of London. Theodore Roosevelt smashes another idol. He says the grizzly will fi«bt only when oornejed. ,