Democratic Sentinel, Volume 10, Number 13, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 30 April 1886 — HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR.

A lame excuse —the apology of a one-legged man. “It is more blessed to give than to receive” remarked the pugilist. “The game is up," as the boy hunter said when, after discharging both barrels, the duck flew of.— Maverick. In some respects the gentler sex surpasses us. No man, for instance, can deliver a lecture with a mouth full of pins. Newark, New Jersey, has an antitobacco society composed of young ladies. That is a good thing. We hope all the young ladies in that town will give up smoking.— Boston Post. The average life of a locomotive is thirty years. It must pain a locomotive to know that it will never be old enough to be a ballet dancer, even if it had the necessary limbs.— Puck. The ablest minds claim that there is no such thing as absolute originality possible. Nothing, they argue, has ever been produced by man that did not resemble something in the earth or visible in the heavens. The new spring hat is the nearest approach to an exception yet discovered.— Chicago Ledger. “A Georgia negro recently butted a steer to death, on being told that he could have the steer if he killed it in that way,” says a news item. This story may be true, but we will give him our commission in the Salvation Army to see him undertake to butt a spring chicken to death.— San Francisco Maverick. “There is a good deal of religion in nature,” solemnly remarked a young Aberdeen clergyman calling upon a lady of his congregation recently. “There is,” was the quiet reply. “We should never forget that there is a sermon in every blade of grass.” “Quite true. We should also remember that grass is cut very short sometimes. ” A citizen stepped into an up-town drug store and called for a couple of pills, which he swalloped. “How much?” he asked. “Fifty cents, sir.” “Fifty cents! Why, the druggist on the block below never charged me more than five.” “Then I’ll make ’em four. I’ll drive that man out of the business if I have to sell goods at cost.”—Harper’s Bazar. TWO MEN. There goes a man whose clothes are plain, Homely his face and fare. Yet everybody honors him, Because they know he’s' —Danville Breese. There goes a man. In all the land No nobler could be found ; Whoever needs a helping hand Is sure to find him o —Boston Courier.

Distinguished Englishman (to host who has given a dinner to him) —“Who is'that line appearing man over near the door?” Host —“ Prof. De Legge.” Distinguished Englishman—“ I haven’t met him, have 1?” Host —“ Um—ah—let me see. I think not. I beg your pardon, my dear sir, for not presenting him before. The Professor is from Boston.” Distinguished Englishman —“O, I don’t mind that. You know I am over here to study humanity- in all its conditions.” — New York TidBits. A codfish is the only Annymal that ain’t got no neck. There ain’t but one kind of a fish in tl;e World that lives on the land and Flys round in the air, and that is a fish-hawk. A Codfish has a large mouth and my Sunday school Teechers got a large mouth too. Two kids got fiteing in the vestry one day and one of em pulled quite a lot of Hare out of the other kids Hed and the Superingtending pounded one of his Eeers with a book and so they quit. A fish would look funny if they had legs and could run. — Boston Boy in Boston Record. Minister—“ Well, my little one, and so you went to church yesterday, did you?” Little One—“Yeth, thir.” Minister—“ And do you remember, my dear, what it was you heard when you went to church yesterday?” Little One—“Yeth, thir. You thaid one of my little prayers, but you didn’t thay the other one.” Minister—“Ah, indeed! And how was that?” Little One —“Why, you thaid ‘ Our Father who art,’ but you didn’t thay ‘ Now I lay me.’” Minister —“O, well, my dear, but people don’t go to church to sleep, you know. ” Little One—“Yeth they do, too. My mother went to sleep in church latht Thunday.”— Somerville Journal. Country editor (to farmer) —“ Well, how do you like my paper?” Farmer —“ First rate. The one I got last week was a big improvement over the other ones you sent me.” Editor (warmly)—“ lam pleased, my dear sir. to hear you so express yourself. Would you care if I were to print your statement?” Farmer—" Not at all.” Editor —“All right. I’ll publish your statement. It might be the means of increasing my circulation in your neighborhood. Was there any special article that commended itself to you ?” Farmer—“No, I b’lieve not.” Editor —“ Then why did you think so much of the last issue ?” Farmer —“ ’Cause the copy I got wan’t printed on but one side.”— Arkansaw Traveler.

Where a European takes his dog out for a walk, according to the North China Mail, a Chinaman carries a cage, imprisoned in which is a bird, and when he sits down to rest he hangs the cage upon a tree in order that he may enjoy the flood of melody which is poured forth from the bird’s throat. The average American eats eight times as much sugaE as the average Russian, who prefers lemon juice to milk and sugar in his tea.

Three members of my family, says Mr. James A. Sample, Cash Room, office of the Treasurer, U. S., who were suffering from aggravating coughs, have been much benefited by taking Red Star Cough Cure. None of the ill effects so noticeable in other cough remedies, have followed the use of this.